Love Hurts

howhale

In the months since the loss of my DW I find many times when I am sad and feel pain in my body or a catch in my breathing. I see my docs regularly and am confident there are no hiding mysterious medical cause. However, when the discomfort occurs it is a real pain that I feel or at times my breathing changes to gasps for a second or two. I know others have commented on the pain of grief ad I feel it often. In the early morning hours recently I found myself awake, again, and lay in our bed alone thinking. I looked to my side seeing her empty place and the grief pain came on me. I started to gasp as if I was crying deeply and could not catch my breath. In that moment a though came to me which I have found helpful. I'll share the outcome of those thoughts. First, a statement formed. It is Grief: Love with no place to go. Many say we suffer great grief because we gave great love to our lost one. The love I have for her is trapped inside me wanting to go to her, but unable, so it builds and then it hurts. I prefer to believe the pain is love looking for a home it had but has lost. Sometimes relief comes from crying but often it slowly fades away again. Maybe the discomfort I have is that love fighting to be shared again with her, trying to get out, seeking the chance to tell her, touch her, hold her, kiss her again to give her that love. I write to help survive this nightmare life I now have and this is the outcome:

LOVE HURTS

It hurts so bad every day, every minute I miss her

My heart aches, my breath pauses, my eyes blur

Why, why does it hurt and pain me so

Because I do not want to let you go

LOVE hurts, why, no one ever told me it could be this way

I thought I knew LOVE until I had to let you leave that day

Grief, that is what they call it in the aftermath

A long, lonely, painful, miserable endless path

But today I see it as something different, but not new

It is not grief, it is just my LOVE that I have to hold waiting for you

What happens when profound love has no place to reside

Behind the word grief then there LOVE does hide

For if you have never lived LOVE with an angel before

You might in error mistake the feeling and open another door

She is gone now so where do I put this LOVE I still have

I cannot tell her, show her, hold her, is there no soothing salve

The pain I feel, the sadness that controls, the misery I live

It is not grief, it is LOVE for you I still need to give

Yes, it is the LOVE I have and hold, yet no angel to tell

She is gone now, no longer is she with me, life now a hell

It sits within me, never leaving, seeking a place to be

Fighting to find you again, it needs to go to you from me

But without you here to accept this LOVE I have to share

It boils inside, never asleep, waiting until I am again with you there

If you have never been lucky enough to LOVE an angel like her

The loss you have felt will pass in time and be but a blur

I was chosen to stand beside her, walk with her, LOVE her with all that I possess

And now that she has moved on, my profound LOVE has no place to rest

Grief, easier to grasp afterwards than LOVE without a home

But it is that LOVE which I must hold alone, now that you are gone

I will protect it, care for it, hold it in my heart forever for you

Grief, LOVE that remains, yet without a home to go to

Like something inside, trying to escape, it should not be there

It belongs to you, it always will, it is a pain that I now must bear

LOVE is to be shared, given to one so special, deep and from the heart

But it hurts when it cannot be told, touched, kissed, smiled because we are apart

Yes, LOVE unable to be given freely, openly, completely any more

It sits inside, burning, hurting, making a life alone just a chore

Until I can once again see you, touch you, hold you again

I will have to keep this LOVE called grief within and endure the pain