Wanting to leave assisted living

vpaxton

I live far from my sister. I was requested by her friend to check in on her and was surprised at her decline. We immediately put her into assisted living. She was living in an apartment by herself. When we arrived, she was open to visiting assisted living facilities, but I believe she thought it would be a year away or that her same friend who called would go to the same assisted living as her (she is 90 my sister is 77). We moved her and she hates me for moving her from her friend and she thinks she is going back to her apartment when she is better. We still are paying on her apartment because we need to spend more time sorting through her things. What do we do, should we be brutally honest with her that she is not going back? Do we wait a few more weeks before we do this so she has more time to adapt to where she is. She is in an excellent community with her friend visiting almost daily. She know her apartment is still there but we avoid having her go there.

easy23

You don't have to tell her she is never going back. Just make up a fiblet saying something along the lines that the apartment has flooded or is under renovation, or she can go back when the doctor says so. Just keep kicking the can down the road. I tell my DH every day that he can come home next week. It breaks my heart, but it is the kindest thing I can do for him. Good luck!

H1235

Welcome. I agree with easy23. Another idea might be to blame her stay on the doctor. Maybe claim she needs rehab to get her strength back or something along those lines. It’s possible she will just continue to bring up her apartment. My mom has not lived in her house in three years, but still talks about needing to go to her house to get something. She still doesn’t understand why she can’t live alone and thinks she has no business being in a nursing home. I think she is with it enough to understand the move was permanent, but I’ve never told her that outright. It’s hard for her and for me. I think being upfront with her about the move being permanent probably wouldn’t go well. I find is best to avoid any topic that is going to be the source of upset. I doubt trying to reason with her and get her to understand will work. My mom is not real happy with me over all of this. I’m not real sure there is any way around it. It’s hard. Hopefully she settles in, meets new friends and stops bringing it up.

terei

Your doctor says you are going to be here until he ok’s you ‘are better’. “ I know it’s a pain, but I cant go against the doctor.” Or use any other excuse that works…plumbing or furnace issues at the old place…..whatever. Being ‘honest’ with her is gong to get you exactly nowhere except cause conflict with her

caregiving daughter

Please evaluate whether assisted living is appropriate. If her cognition is affected, and she is unable to understand that she requires help, she may need a more watchful eye. As far as visiting, my experience is that it brings far more distress and confusion. Distracting may be the best approach. Try not to take it personal. It's not your loved one's fault that they are angry. They are likely very scared and unable to understand what is all involved here. They are so fortunate that you are so caring.