Lost my DH 3 months ago

Maggie M

My DH passed away 2 days before Christmas. I wasn't there when he passed. I visited him the day before. He was sleeping, I talked to him, played Elvis and held his hand. He held my hand so tight it hurt but I didn't let go. He was very peaceful.

He had been on Hospice about 6 months for failure to thrive. His hospice nurse was with him and I asked her how long she thought it would be? He had been sleeping for the few days before that. She said he would stop eating, then drinking and it wouldn't be long after that. I got a call the next morning at 10:00 that he had passed. Needless to say I was shocked. His journey of 8 years from mild cognitive impairment then Alzheimers and Parkinson's had ended. He had been at a nursing facility for 11 months due to many falls. I did the best I could to keep him home.

I miss him so much. Even though some days he didn't know me, I could still see him. It was my routine that I visited mostly every day. I was his advocate, making sure all his needs were met. Now my new journey has started without him and it's very hard to go forward. We were married 53 years and I feel truly blessed.

Some days I am soo sad, I stay in all day and I cry. Always thinking could I have done more. I am truly struggling as all of us are. Watching our loved ones leave us a little bit each day. It truly is the long goodbye.

CindyBum

Hi Maggie,

I'm so sorry to that you've lost your DH. I'm also only a few months out from losing my DW and understand the sadness and also gratitude of having loved and been loved as I was.

Please don't have regrets about caregiving. You did a wonderful job, including placing him where he could be safer. There is nothing more we can do for our poor LOs with dementia but love them and do our best for them.

Big hug.

howhale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75990/lost-my-dh-3-months-ago

So sorry that you lost your DH so unexpectedly. Hospice nurses are amazing but their best estimate of our loved one's passage is never absolute. That he held your hand tightly on your last visit, even though he did not seem to know you in previous visits, just reinforces my belief that our loved one knows when others cannot. Maybe that was his way, in his different communication world, to let you know that he did know you. I believe my DW, lost nine months ago, gave me signs and signals from her heart, even as her brain had slipped away. It will be a hard path now, maybe harder than before, as you learn to build a life after but it can be done. Do it at YOUR pace, not anyone else's. Take your time. Cry when needed, stay in bed when needed, be alone when needed, it is your path through this and yours alone, so allow yourself to heal. I tell people that I lost my DW every day, bit by bit, over almost 10 years but could not allow myself to grieve as needed in order to care for her. It will take time to take the nest step. Hopefully not ten years but much more then people think so be strong, do it at your pace and find others who have lost a spouse with which to heal. I found an online Zoom group for weekly sessions, facilitated by a therapist at no cost. It is through the Hilarity For Charity foundation. It is real people, sharing together real time, live. Only others who have lived our path will truly know our experience during and after.

Maggie M

Dear CindyBum ,

I thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so glad there is this forum to be able to chat with people who are going through the same thing. You all totally understand what I am going through. It has been a tough 5 months. I have good days and bad days.

No one prepares you for this. The calls, the forms, trust etc. while you are struggling to get through each day. It was totally overwhelming.

A week after my DH passed a member of my family had a serious health condition. They have since had surgery and things are finally looking better. I became a caregiver once again. I wasn't able to grieve and now, I am falling apart. Crying at pictures, anything that reminds me of him. I have been in the house 3 days, sitting on the couch. All I want to do is to sleep. I know this isn't healthy but this is what I have to do now. We all grieve differently. I have many appointments next week so I have to get my act together.

I thank you again for reaching out.

Sending a hug back at ya!!

Maggie

Maggie M

Dear howhale,

Thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry for the loss of your DW.

I am having a tough few days and as you said it's ok to cry, stay in and not be with anyone. They just don't get it. And may they never have to be on the journey that we had and on are on now. My DH's journey has ended. I now start a new one.

I am so use to being a caregiver, I have been one for soo many years. A week after my husband passed I became a caregiver for a family member who was having health issues. Things seem to be going in the right direction, so now I have a chance to grieve. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am giving myself time. And it's ok. I am not telling anyone because I know they would say I need to get out. I shouldn't be alone. Well you know what, that is what I want and need to do.

I have heard of Hilarity for charity. I will look into the zoom group.

Thanks again for reaching out.

howhale

Another resource I recently learned about and checked out is CareYaYa. You may see Facebook posts from Neal K. Shah. He is the founder and the group has affiliations with recognized health organizations, like NIH and others. https://www.careyaya.org/

I have tried to encourage my family and others to become involved on this site and others to learn more about our experience and help them see why we are the way we are for now.