Mom going to lunch

H1235

Mom is in a nursing home. Her former roommate called the facility and would like to take her out to lunch. The facility told her I need to approve this and they called me and gave me the woman’s phone number (they can’t legally give out mine). I haven’t called her yet. I met her, but have only talked with her briefly while she was mom’s roommate. She seems nice. I believe she was originally in the facility because of a knee problem not dementia. Mom is unsteady on her feet and will only use her cane when I remind her. I stay close by her side when we are out. The woman was heavy and had an extremely hard time getting around while in the facility. I assume she is getting around better now, but enough to help someone else? I’m nervous about her being taken out by someone other than family. If mom were to find out I needed to approve this she would be furious. If I said no and mom found out it would be even worse. I’m not sure what to do. I’m thinking I might see if mom and I can meet her for lunch. I don’t know that I really want to do this, but I guess I do a lot of things I don’t want to these days. I would do it to make mom happy, but will it? Mom probably won’t like that I’m worming my way into their lunch. This woman has moms phone number and I know they talk occasionally. I’m not sure what she might say to mom about this(not that I think she would intentionally cause problems). She may have already talked with mom and asked her to lunch. I am the DPOA, but I have a brother that expects to be involved in decisions and he is pretty oblivious to concerns regarding mom. If he finds out I said no to this without consulting him he will be mad and probably make things worse with mom. I can picture him saying I have no right to decide who she can go to lunch with, that’s moms choice. I guess there is nothing I can do about that. I’m looking for advice please.

Emily 123

I think your idea’s a good one. Could you get your mom there and then go run an errand? Or go grab a bite out of sight?

H1235

I talked with the roommate. She was going to be near mom for a doctors appointment and then had other things she was going to do, so she couldn’t commit to a time for lunch. She didn’t seem interested in me bringing mom. She said she could always just bring some food in for mom. I said that would be nice and thanked her. So I think it went well. I’m still concerned about how mom (and my brother) will react if she finds out about all of this. Even if she finds out I talked with the roommate she is going to ask why. I have a feeling this is not over yet and I’m afraid it’s going to get ugly.

caregiving daughter

I would have had exactly the same concerns as you and would have said no. Given the situation may have worked itself out, move on. If, by chance, it hasn't, and mom and/or brother have a problem, act as if you thought mom would prefer the invite in the home. Say you are sorry that she is disappointed. If brother causes an issue, there are likely deeper issues that need to be addressed. Do not be afraid to bring in a facilitator to work through this illness between you and your brother. Take yourself out of the hot spot and let a professional explain best practices on keeping someone safe. It may end up being super helpful in the long run.