Brand new and Mom doesn't want to admit dementia.

Sissue

I moved in with my Mom a year ago and have been taking care of the finances and keeping things going. Mom is 82 and her Dr. diagnosed her with Alzheimer's. She won't talk about it and is now refusing to see the Dr. because he won't listen to her. I think she is fine 90% of the time but is now forgetting the names of family members, had a couple delusions, and asking the same questions 100 times. It's gotten much worse in the last month and I think I may have to retire early. The goal is to keep her at home for the rest of her life.

How do I convince her to stop driving and sign a POA? My siblings are either too far away or too needy to be of help. The out of area siblings are supportive but I don't want a confrontation; I'd have to call my brother in and that would cause lots of hard feelings.

What about testing and treatment? What needs to be done to get those started? I'm a little overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

harshedbuzz

@Sissue

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Many people with dementia have a condition called anosognosia which makes it impossible for them to recognize that they are having a cognitive shift. Even if they do admit to memory issues, they're unlikely to notice changes in mood, executive function and reasoning skills. You aren't going to get her buy-in and insisting she admit to it will only upset her and destroy her trust in you.

Given your description of her symptoms and you considering early retirement (are you emotionally and ready to do this?), she's likely well into the middle stages of the disease and wouldn't be a candidate for the infusion medications. There are some oral meds that do seem to help a small percentage of PWD function better but do nothing to slow the disease.

A good elder law attorney can finesse getting a POA signed. But if this isn't possible, you'll need to go through the costly and time-consuming process of guardianship instead.

You do whatever it takes to stop her driving. With the diagnosis in her medical record, her insurance is likely not valid. That's a call to make today. Disappear the keys. Disappear the car and tell her it's in the shop because of a recall. Once you're POA/guardian you can sell it. A POA has a fiduciary responsibility to manage assets responsibly— maintaining an unused depreciating asset is not prudent. Don't gift it as it could have a consequence of preventing her from qualifying for Medicaid should she ever need it.

Good luck.
HB

psg712

Agree that it's not possible to get her to recognize her limitations. She is not going to say, " yes, I know I have a progressive brain disease and that it's not safe for me to drive, handle my finances, use the stove" ... etc. It's one of the most frustrating things that the brain disease itself prevents her from having the ability to understand it. It isn't denial, it's a direct result of the damage to her brain.

I respect the goal of keeping her home. If you plan to do this, you will need a team of caregivers and a power of money to pay them. As the disease progresses, she will need 24/7 supervision. You cannot do this alone and keep your physical and mental health. Start making a plan A (home care) and a plan B (in case you are ill, disabled, have to leave town to handle another family emergency). Are you financially able to retire early? You will need to discuss these issues with siblings. Even if they aren't available to help with hands on care, they should know what you are up against. This is a marathon.

I know this is a lot. Read all you can on this forum, it has helped me so much. Many, many of us resisted using outside help or a facility for our loved ones, only to discover that it was the loving thing to do to keep them safe. Your mom is not going to agree with any of that. You are now the parent acting on behalf of a "child" who can't understand her own needs.

H1235

Welcome. You might try telling her that getting legal things taken care of is just something that should be done because she is getting older. I would never bring up dementia. If you are considering retiring early, I think you need to consider your life and future here as well. I would caution you against this unless you have the financial means to support yourself through retirement and old age. What happens to you if you get a dementia diagnosis? I would suggest the doctor needs to see her for her blood pressure, or a regular checkup. If she doesn’t think she needs pills for her memory, tell her they are vitamins the doctor wants her to take. She should not be driving! There will never come a time when she willingly hands over the keys. You need to keep her safe and protect her from herself. There is a saying we have here. Never try to reason with a person with dementia. No matter how much evidence and logic you present they will not accept or understand it and to be honest they will probably turn it into an argument. So don’t even try to convince her to stop driving. Just don’t allow it to happen. There always seems to be this assumption that keeping a lo with dementia at home is always what is best for them. When we moved my mom to assisted living she made friends her age and participated in activities. Her apartment was safe and gave her independence from her kids (me) that just wanted to control everything. It was so much better for her than living with my brother. I will attach a few resources.

DBAT.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

SDianeL

tell her Medicare requires she see a doctor. Speak to the doctor ahead of time and explain her behaviors so you don’t have to with your Mom there. Go in with her. Sit where you can nod your head yes or shake your head no if he asks her questions. A firm diagnosis won’t really matter or change things. I would ask for a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist in case she needs medications for anxiety or agitation. They are the best type of doctor to manage those meds for dementia.

caregiving daughter

Such great information shared above. Your area on aging may host Alz or other type representatives who provide training on the illness and contact information for attorneys, respite care, physicians, memory care clinics, and other. A live support group may also be key. My mother read, "dementia" on her neuro-psych diagnosis and did not comprehend. She once said she didn't think she had the "A-word". I think that was just a confirmation of how scared she was about her lack of cognition.