Handling transition to memory care

TAbbyB

Hello. New here and writing on behalf of my father. He and I moved our mother to memory care last week. She is able to understand that she no longer lives in the same place as her husband. She is generally pleasant with me, her daughter, but when my father visits, she spends the whole time angry at him for "dumping" her. Any advice on what he can say or do that might help with this difficult transition?

harshedbuzz

@Tracyab

We had the same with my dad after we placed him. Unlike your situation, the vitriol was aimed at us both for a couple of weeks.

What worked for us:

We created a fiblet that dad's PCP wanted him to go to rehab for PT until he got stronger. This allowed mom to be his ally while placing "blame" on his doctor. It also meant mom wasn't the one who would decide "when he could come home".

I also visited with mom the first few weeks. This allowed me to keep the visit in the public spaces in the MCF; he had just enough social filter left to behave better if there was an audience. I could also whisk her out of the situation when things got ugly. She felt guilty for placing him and seemed to act as if she was required to endure his abuse.

I also found it useful to bring something for dad at each visit. A soft pretzel, hot coffee, something from the bakery or a fast-food lunch.

HB

BPS

I also blamed it on the doctor. I told my wife that they needed to monitor her and she needed to stay in the rehab center until she got stronger. Time is different in their world. She was been in MC two years but thinks it has been a couple of weeks. Sometimes when I get ready to leave she says she will get her stuff so we can go and I tell her that she needs to stay there that night so they can continue to monitor her and that I will be back tomorrow and she is OK with that.

TAbbyB

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272709#Comment_272709

Thank you for this insight. Today, I tried blaming it on her doctor (who she remembers and respects) and while it didn't make her any happier, she seemed satisfied with that as a reason. I will pass that tip onto my father for when she starts blaming him.

TAbbyB

The doctor thing is a good tip! And thank you for the reminder that it's not something I can only offer up now, but as often as I need to in the future.

Michele P

What worked well with a family member was telling her that she was there for rehab and that once she got stronger, she would go home. At that time, she was in a wheelchair and could not stand or walk.