My heart is broken

Amrice-52

Here I am again unable to sleep because my mom has said I hate you, get out of here, you won’t give me my meds. I’ve devoted my life to her. Given up my own. It’s hard to wrap my head around this and I’m so burned out and depressed. I can’t find my footing or my hope. I really need someone to talk to who is going through it.

Phelser

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this . My mother hasnt said that exact thing but she does things and says things that are not her usual behavior at all! Unfortunately this is the disease and knowing that doesnt make it any easier to accept ! Hugs !

MissOldMom

I am so sorry to hear this. I live it as well. Mom lives with us (just over 2 years now) and, although she has not said “I hate you,” her behavior has definitely changed and from time to time she will shock us with losing her filter about things. For example she lets prejudiced remarks come out. She will call people stupid behind their back. It’s like it’s all saved up for us because her head tells her “these are the people that I don’t have to have a filter around,” while I know how bizarre that sounds. Because how can she keep that kind of thing hidden from everyone else? But she does.

I tell myself often “that’s not Mom, it’s the disease,” and that can help. Someone on here once said you almost need to picture your loved one as a patient and you’re a nurse (caregiver, social worker, whatever title you want) and it’s due to the relationship change that came but you never asked for.

I didn’t ask to be the parent to my parent…who acts like a toddler at times. The role change sucks. I hate it. But I know Mom didn’t ask for this disease.

One thing I try to think about is…when or if this happens to me…what do I want to happen? I already know and have told all of my kids…I will NOT live with you. I WILL be put into assisted living or whatever other place is pertinent at that time. I won’t take their lives and freedom away because that’s what happened to me. I have handled all of the paperwork, sale of her house, drs appts, medication list (it’s LONG), all her bill payments, all of her investment stuff, making her meals, pretty much all but bathing her and feeding her myself. And I work full time. My husband works from home which is the only reason we can even do this.

It’s the person that she is now (who is no longer my mom) that is the biggest tax on my mental well-being.

After 2 years of this, we are finally getting out of the house more and doing more for us. I saw on another post…YOU are just as important as your mom.
Amen to that! If we can’t be good for ourselves how are we going to have anything left to give to them?

Take it easy on yourself. Get away when you can, remember it’s the disease and the person who was is not ALL there anymore. She is “in” there. But not ALL there. That part that comes out that isn’t who you knew is the dementia part. And it’s mean sometimes. But it’s not her.

Best to you and yours.

H1235

Welcome. My dad struggled with cancer for several years. It was rough, but through it all I knew without any question that he loved me and that he knew that I loved him and would do anything for him. Mom with dementia is a whole different story. She thinks I have put her in a home just to get rid of her, because she doesn’t belong there. She believes I am treating her unfairly. She has gone weeks refusing to talk with me. Medication has helped some, but she still blames me for everything and has absolutely no idea the lengths I have gone to for her. Dementia is a whole other kind of awful that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I put it off for a long time, but finally decided I would not be able to get through this without anxiety medication to help me. I consider myself a strong person. I absolutely hate that I have to resort to medication. If you are caring for her 24/7 at a certain point I think you need to consider if it might be better to find a facility for her. A facility with people that can brush off unkind remarks and do what needs to be done to care for her. This would leave you to be her daughter again and resume your life.

pjasso

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It is heartbreaking. My mother has also not said, "I hate you", but she has been rude to me, and her volatile behavior always a shock. I always knew it intelligently it was the disease, but I just recently "crossed" the line of where I can now, emotionally, know it is her disease and not take it personally. It took me awhile to get here. I now accept her as someone who has a disability, or as is true, has a disease that causes this. What was hard for me to deal with is that my mom has always had a temper and has been irrationally emotinally most my life, which always upset me. So although it is "familiar" behavior, I now accept it as disease and not so much personality. In fact, personality-wise, she has just become more childlike and simple in her thoughts and behavior.

Good luck.

Jewel-HTBL

I am so deeply sorry you are dealing with the weight of those words. Even when we logically know it is the disease talking and not our parents, hearing 'I hate you' from the person you have literally given up your life to care for is a knife to the heart. It is completely natural that you feel burned out, depressed, and hopeless. You are running on empty.

Please know that you aren't a failure for feeling this way, and you aren't alone. So many people here know exactly how dark and lonely those late hours feel. Since you mentioned needing someone to talk to, please feel free to message me directly. Sometimes just having a safe space to vent to a friendly ear without any judgment can help you catch your breath. Sending you so much love and a quiet reminder to please breathe and be gentle with yourself tonight.

Quilting brings calm

Do you remember being a child and telling your parents something similar because you couldn’t do or have whatever you wanted that minute- a toy, being driven to a friend’s house, etc? Your mom has regressed to that stage. She wants what she wants, can’t understand why it’s it not a good idea, and you are between her and her wants. At a certain point, you just have to stop thinking of her as mom and start thinking of her as a person with dementia who you are responsible for. My mom didn’t say she hated me, but she acted like an emotionalchild a lot. My step-dad ( 59 years married to my mom) did act like he hated me, and I just had to ignore it because it was my responsibility to make sure they were both safe. I knew he wasn’t capable of doing so.

jimnlynn

Thank you all. My mom is living with us and has Alz. Very difficult because she gets upset with me when I try my best to explain something but she just is incapable of understanding. seems like every conversation is an hour of the first 5 minutes of the conversation over and over, never ending. the other day she got so upset violently flung her arms around screaming F___k you all. To day she doesn't remember that. I'm afraid to talk to her because because I fear her reaction. The most helpful thing I read tonight is " At a certain point, you just have to stop thinking of her as mom and start thinking of her as a person with dementia who you are responsible for." I think it's time to start looking at that way.

sandwichone123

Hi @jimnlynn ,

Welcome! There comes a point where explaining things just doesn't work any more. We feel bad lying to our parents, but they cannot comprehend the truth, so "therapeutic fibs" become a way of life, allowing us to get done what we need to without distressing them with the complex world.

terei

”I try my best to explain something’ is your issue. Your mother’s reality is not going to change no matter what outside influences occur. YOU have the ability to change your behavior, she does not. You will have to change your approach to managing her. Number 1 is quit trying to explain, she cannot follow your logic, no matter how much you try.

emmee

Something I find very helpful to remember is "it's not her fault and she can't control it" - referring to the fact that it's not her fault that she has dementia and she can't control the dementia, so when she says/does things she wouldn't have done before dementia I remember that and it makes me feel better.

My mom was very sweet and loving but dementia has caused changes, including that she often doesn't know I'm her daughter, so when I'm helping her with anything intimate because she can't do it herself anymore—helping her in the bathroom, changing her clothes etc. she would say nasty things and hit me. I know it's because she felt that a stranger was assaulting her, although I kept repeating that I was her daughter and I loved her and I was helping her.

When she started hitting my youngest child (which she would have never ever done before dementia), we put her on (a generic version of) Zoloft, and it has been amazing! It immediately solved about 70% of our issues so the doctor recommended we increase the dosage and then 99% of our issues were solved. I'm generally not a fan of medications/big pharma/etc. but Zoloft has been a life saver and as she is at the end of her life we don't even have to worry about long-term side effects. You may want to try it.

sshoja

Hi there, I have been in your shoe many time. My mother was the most sweet and caring but having vascular dementia changed her personality and lack of filter when she get upset for anything that is not in her liking. To ease your pain, my mother has wished me dead because she feels I changed her life, in reality my life has been changed by 24/7 care. I cried that day a lot but realized it can't be her. When she is in good mood, I feel she is as sweet as used to be but her eyes do not talk to me like used to so not sure if she sees me as me or someone else. I have been called her deceased sister, her deceased husband and once a while my own name which I try to cherish those moments. Be strong my friend and make sure you give yourself break whenever is possible