Possible Job Relocation and Moving Parent

CharlieGirl

Hello,

I am new to this forum and after reading likely 100 posts or more, I am in tears knowing that I am not alone. The words and encouragement from this group is incredible. This is such a lonely process for the caregiver. I am envious of those who have siblings/family who step in and help. I am an only child and my father has passed away. And you find out who your real friends are, some just seem to disappear.

My mom has been diagnosed with dementia. Based on everything I have read here, she is mid-stage. She still knows who she is, still takes care of her personal needs and such. We do live in the same house. She doesn't drive but that was her choice.

Here is my issue...I may be looking at a new job in the next few months and moving from where we live now to a new state. At first my mom was totally onboard and excited about the new place. But now, she says she won't go and will find someplace else to move. She told me she will pack what she can in her car and go.

I am honestly not sure how to handle this because I am her caregiver and if she does head out on her own, this very likely won't end well. I am already obsessing this and don't even have the new job, still interviewing. I am thinking I should give up looking for a new job and just stay where I am.

On that note, she doesn't like my current employer and hates the state we live in. She has begged me to not let her die here. I have asked her where she wants to go and she doesn't know, just not here. I wait for days where she is clearer, and ask where she wants to go, and she doesn't know.

I have a friend at work who told me that I need to keep moving forward with my job search, that she is expressing a form of fear of the move. He went through this with his mother when they moved her into MC.

Advice/input would be so very much appreciated. Do I stop my job search? What do you all think and what experiences have you had?

Thank you in advance!

CG

CharlieGirl

I forgot to include why she changed her mind about moving. I had done a Teams interview and it hit me a little odd. Because my mind is not yet fully comprehending what is happening, I talked with my mom about it like I always have. She took my comments and has processed them as "these people are rude, they don't want you there, they will mistreat you."

H1235

Welcome. Are you working from home now? Will the new job be work from home? If you are going into work, then I assume your mom is home alone during the day. This won’t be safe for very long. You may even find the move causes enough confusion to make her staying alone unsafe. Everything in the house will be different. Change is hard for a person with dementia. It’s possible this could be temporary and she will adjust. I’m not saying you shouldn’t relocate because of this. She is going to progress regardless. She is probably right on the cusp of being safe alone even now. Her talk of loading the car and moving on her own is concerning. I would make sure she doesn’t have access to car keys. Even if you are working from home, this is only going to work for so long. Caregiving can be a full time job.

April23

I agree with your friend. PWD get anxious. Home is a feeling to them, not a place. What they are expressing is the need is to feel secure in their environment, to be able to make sense of the world again, that is what “home” becomes. I wouldn’t let her not liking what state you live in be a factor in your decision because she most likely won’t like the new one either.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your mom. Any move will be difficult initially but PWD do usually adapt once they get settled. One thing I will say is that if you move to another state, that you research what LTC options exist and if Medicaid would be needed to pay for LTC, that you understand the rules there as well. It is likely that LTC for your mom might be needed at some point as the disease progresses and her needs increase.

sandwichone123

One of the sayings here is that we can keep our loved one safe, but we can't keep them happy. Moods change rapidly and unpredictably, and we're responsible for making wise decisions—we can't keep up with the moods. As a young person, your first responsibility is to build your own life. Your mom's approval will be fleeting and whatever you do will meet with her disapproval.

Whatever you plan for her care, make sure there's always a plan B, because things change. Even if you plan to have her living with you in the new town, a priority action would be to visit different memory care places and have her on one or more waiting lists, not because you're planning to place her, but because things change, often quite suddenly. For instance, besides Alz progression, you could be injured and need a quick plan for her care, or she could have a change in physical health and need a new plan.

Emily 123

Hi CharlieGirl,

You did a good job identifying that discussion about the job interview made her feel some strong emotions and she's able to hang on to those.

My practical advice for you is this:

Don't include your mom in any discussions about plans for change—new job, moving anywhere, logistics, how much she hates the state where you are now, etc. As far as you're concerned, you just talk with her like none of that is occurring. She's not going to be able to handle the information, it will distress her, and then you'll have to try to manage that distress. You can see that already when she talks about going somewhere else on her own. A goal should be keeping her as unruffled as possible— that means letting her stay in her usual routines while you work apart from her to assess the new job opportunity and plan any move. I think the majority of us here would agree that by mid-stage it's going to be easier to plan all the move without her involvement, even up to the packing, and basically pop her in the car and on the way the day of the move. The order you do things (move her first, move her at the same time, move her later) would be up to you.

No matter what, you should set up things now so that you're legally her caretaker and have a good idea of the finances whether you move or not.

Does she have a power of attorney (POA) set up that names you?

Has she done any estate planning in the past?

Does she own the home you now live in?

If you don't have POA, and don't have a plan about her financial resources, then meeting with an elder law attorney will be a good step at this time. This would be a part of estate planning, and should come from your mom's funds.

CharlieGirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273079#Comment_273079

Hi H1235,

Thank you for responding, I truly appreciate you doing that.

My job is one where we were told to come back to the site four days a week and could work remotely 1. However, the way my job is structured, I can go in those four days and only stay a half day and then come home and work from here. My boss is aware of what I am doing and is in support of me being with my mom. I know, if my boss is supportive, why move on? There is a lot of other stuff going on behind the scenes and while him be supportive on that, he isn't supportive in other aspects.

You mentioned the car keys, I keep them in my purse these days and hide them in my room. The last time she drove, which was about two years ago now, she almost hit someone. She blamed them that they were changing lanes (in fairness, they were changing lanes in an intersection) but they were the green light and she was the red. My mom drove sports cars all her life and taught me how to drive, so that was my first significant indication something was wrong.

I am starting to see that my time for home items is taking more and more of my daily hours. Small things like laundry and handling the bill payments, but they are starting to increase. So yes, I am worried and can see what you are saying is going to become the reality.

Thank you again for the reply!

CG

CharlieGirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273091#Comment_273091

Hi April23,

Thank you for responding, your response set off an AH HA moment for me. That is the need for feeling secure where they are located, not necessarily a physical place. The reason this set off an ah ha is that my mom has become insistent that we sell our current house and move somewhere else. Why??? Our neighbors on the one side scare her. The wife screams at the top of her lungs and is just not a nice person. The husband doesn't scream, he seems ok, but it is the wife part of the equation. While I pretty much just ignore them, my mom can't because the wife makes her feel unsafe.

I will absolutely look into the LTC options where we might head and where we are right now. You mention Medicaid, I am assuming Medicare doesn't help with this? I have been putting some money in savings the last few years to try and get care at home but am realistic enough to know that won't be a long term situation.

Thank you for your comments and input!

CG

CharlieGirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273092#Comment_273092

Hi Sandwichone123,

Thank you for replying! Your statement of "we can keep our loved one safe, but we can't keep them happy," really hit a note with me. I have admittedly been in denial for a while and not wanting to accept what is happening, which I feel certain almost all of us do when facing this disease.

I am not that young, I am 55 years old, but thank you for calling me a young person (I needed that). My mom is 87, my parents had me later in their marriage. I was really the "oops baby" or maybe they finally figured out how to have a child, haha. I have been used to the disapproval throughout life in the choice of men I have dated (and she was right there) and even, to be honest, some of the jobs I have taken (also right there). However, prior to the dementia moving in, even if she disagreed, she supported. This new reality just plain stinks.

I am one of those personalities that is very type a and has to have every i dotted and t crossed. Mom's illness has thrown me into a tailspin so the have a plan b was the reality check I need. I do need to start visiting these places locally. And if the new job does materialize, where we would be moving. She keeps asking me if I am going to put her someplace because she knows I want her gone. So I will do the visits on my own because I don't want her to be upset.

Thank you again for the response, very much appreciated.

CG

CharlieGirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273093#Comment_273093

Hi Emily123,

Thank you for the response and all of the information.

I have to share…I had an interview at my current employer for a different position. My mom sat out in the loft, outside of my office, while I had the call. After I hung up, she was all over how awful the person was and quoted some of the comments. Not sure if this is funny or not, I think it is, but the horrible person and the comments she was quoting were mine responding to the interviewer. I did laugh but in private. Later in the evening she told me she was glad she listened in, I did great. All I did was say thank you and then changed the subject to the Hallmark movie we were watching.

I am having to learn to stop sharing so much because some of it does upset her. I find her anger or irritation or whatever emotion, is getting to me as well. I struggle with how much to share when she asks me what happened at work that day. My working situation hasn't been easy the last few months due to the infamous RIFs (reduction in force) hitting companies and wondering when my number is up. For the most recent one, I did have to tell her that I might get RIF'd and if I did that we would be ok. That didn't seem to bother her, which is actually a good thing.

Right now, I am part of what keeps her in her normal routines and she does well when we do that. If I get the other job, they do the relocation so they get the movers in to pack. I think my mom would be ok with that because she was talking the other day, after watching a show where movers packed up people, that rich people get moved. We are most certainly not rich, not even close, but she would view it that way. If I get that level of relo, I feel fortunate.

Years ago we did Will's and gave each other regular and medical POAs. However, I need to get mine updated, and we need to update her will as well, in whichever state we are in. When my father died, she had to step in and get all of the finances taken care of, so yes, she has done financial planning. And she taught me a lot so that is now coming into play.

I actually own the home we live in but had her name put on the title so if something happened to me, she would fully own the home and be able to sell it (there were no signs of the dementia when I bought the house). At this point, when I do sell this house and buy a new one, I don't plan on putting her on that one. I may tie my stuff up into a trust so if something happens to me, my estate can look after her.

Ultimately, once we get settled (if we move), I do need to get with an Elder Care attorney to take care of her documents and such. I will also need to do my will. I did find an attorney where we live now and if by the end of June there is no movement from the out of state situation, will get an appointment with that attorney.

Thank you again for the questions and the information, this is so helpful and keeps me focused.

CG

Emily 123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273234#Comment_273234

That is a funny story! Sweet that she wants to protect her chick, lol!

H1235

I would talk with an attorney about whose name should be on the title of a new house. If she needs Medicaid and the current house has her and your name on it, when it’s sold the government will expect half the money from the sale to go to her. This could be an issue when applying for Medicaid. It’s complicated! Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

CharlieGirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273250#Comment_273250

Thank you for the link!! I will get an appointment set up sooner than later! Thanks.

April23

Medicare does not pay for LTC. Private caregivers where I live are $32/hr. So just some info. so you understand what you will be looking at.

I agree with the others that you should limit the talk on future changes, job situation, etc.

Safety has to take priority over happiness always and that will become more apparent as her dementia worsens. I hang on to that every day, it is probably one of the most helpful things I learned on this forum.