Resentment
I’m finding it difficult to “do all things with great love”. My DH is really unable to follow through on any request, “put the screwdrivers away” “take out the trash” “put in a new trash bag” “feed the dogs”because he can’t hold onto the thought long enough to complete it. He used to be able to follow a one step direction but no longer. I find my patience waning. It’s easier to just do everything myself but I find myself feeling resentful at times. I know this is unfair as he can’t help it. He also asks me the most basic questions ALL THE TIME. And follows me around… I think sometimes my “resentment” is really just deep sadness at this horrible disease.
Comments
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I feel your pain. I can't even remind my DW to take her medication without her becoming extremely aggressive and feeling like I'm trying to control her. I'm so stressed out.
9 -
I got to the point where I no longer ask my DW to do anything because her brain can’t comprehend anything like a question or directions. She will still ask me if I need any help but I just tell her that I got it. We used to do everything 50/50 but now 100/0. I just try to remember that it is not her but the disease.
11 -
Is it resentment or a very human response to the situation.
Your life is very different now do to an illness. Do what you can to make the change to living on a different page. Simplify everything you can and settle in to not doing much…not getting done the things which once seemed automatic and easy.
6 -
This made me tear up. I suppose it is a “very human response” to a difficult situation, one that only gets harder each day.
4 -
Please do not hold yourself to that high of a standard. First of all, if you are quoting Mother Teresa, she said "do SMALL things with great love." (It is commonly misquoted.)
SMALL things… smiles, hugs, a kind word. You, @Lethe, are doing HUGE things. We all are doing HUGE things. Please do not feel guilty for your resentment. It is a hard road to travel.
Give yourself some grace and take things one day at a time.
One thing that helped me tremendously was telling my DH's neurologist about his perseveration and repetition. [Perseveration is the uncontrollable, involuntary repetition of a response (like a word, movement, or thought) long after the original trigger or need has passed.] DH's neurologist and neuro-psychologist convinced him that taking an anti-anxiety medication (sertraline) could help his cognition. I did not notice any change in DH's cognition, but his repetition/perseveration eased dramatically, which gave me a lot of peace and improved my own sanity.
Hugs and prayers to you,
Gram
11 -
you are not alone. We feel ya.
4 -
I could have written this post. The behaviors and my reactions to it are exactly how my DH and I live day to day. Do I resent this life? You bet ‘cha! He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this. No one deserves dealing with this challenging, cruel disease!
9 -
Full disclosure… I’m sitting here right now feeling resentful and wishing for a moment of peace. 💔
4 -
We are only human…none of us are perfect. We are all just doing the best we can every day. I have a hard time with my control issues. I want to control everything even though I know that I can't. For example, I try to keep him on a bathrooms schedule but I can't control when he pees. I was standing there with him and wishing he knew what in the world I was trying to accomplish. He doesn't understand anything I'm saying. There is no way I can ask him to do anything around the house. He's a 6 foot toddler. I'm trying to be grateful that he can still feed himself. Do I resent that this is happening? You bet.
12 -
Good answer blacksparky. There will come a time when the term resentment is meaningless in this journey unless you mean resentment to a higher being.
1 -
we understand. Dementia isn’t only memory loss. It’s executive function loss. They are unable to get from point A to point B. That’s one reason they stop showering. They literally don’t remember how. Stop asking him to do things. Instead give him simple things like folding washcloths or busy work sorting things by color. He asks the basic questions over and over because he can’t remember the answers or even that he already asked the question. He follows you around because his world is falling apart and you are his anchor. Have you read the book “The 36 Hour Day”? It’s very helpful. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They will help you help him. Be patient with yourself and get support so you can take a break from caregiving for a few hours each week. Hugs. 💜
3 -
My mom has dementia so I usually post on the caring for a parent group. My situation is different, but I actually made a post with the same title. This is tough stuff.
4 -
I can so relate to this thread and appreciate the timing. My level of patience and ability to be/act lovingly through all the daily challenges is fully compromised by now. I needed this reminder to be a little more patient with myself as well. So strange each challenge, words mispronounced, renewed shadowing behaviors, the endless repetition, loss of executive functions seem so small taken one at a time but often feel insurmountable by days end.
5 -
If you have been caring for your loved one a while, I doubt it is resentment but rather exhaustion, frustration, sadness, feeling lost as to what next, etc., etc. We all get you and know what you are going through. When my DW wanted to wash her utensils from eating, I just helped her to the kitchen sink, let her safely use the water and soap until she "finished". From time to time she just had to do "her job" again. It is so sad to watch but always remember that your loved one is still in there, often hidden, often hard to see but ALWAYS in there. Having lost my DW last year, I often think back to what an internal nightmare must be playing in her head every minute as she lost another piece if who she knew she was. Come here and vent, scream, cry, yell, and let us help get through another day. I cannot do anything for my DW any longer but many of us still visit here often and will continue to be here for you as are those still in the battle. Just never forget in your worst moments that they are STILL IN THERE and still know you in their own way and still love you. Look for his signs to you.
4 -
we are in the exact same situation. My problem is he now turns on water and forgets to turn it off. He really can’t follow instructions because he doesn’t recall the task once he starts it. Lately I tell him don’t feed the dogs, or don’t do this or that, I walk out of the room and he does it anyway. Worry he’ll feed the wrong food. He does get up every morning, shaved, showers and does a load of laundry, even if it’s 1 piece. I’ve faced many challenges in my life but this is one of the most difficult, hanging in
8 -
Somehow, it helps to know I’m not alone in my feelings. Thanks!
5 -
Thank you. Your words help!
1 -
Sandi Roe, Exactly, sounds like we are in a similar stage. My dogs gained weight because he doesn’t remember he just fed them. We’ve had many “floods” due to water being left on.
2 -
Thank you, a good reminder to stay in the present and be greatful for all he can still do.
1 -
Gram, I was unaware of the origins.. the quote has long been on a small terracotta tile hanging in my kitchen. I appreciated it when my kids were growing up. So was kind of surprised it didn’t “work” for my current situation. Now I know where the quote comes from and know I’ll never be a Mother Teresa so the pressure is off! Lol.
5 -
I agree that it’s not resentment we feel, cuz yes we do understand our LO is a victim of a mind robbing disease.
It’s exhaustion and frustration we feel, cuz we have to watch them constantly, like we used to watch our toddlers, to make sure they’re not doing anything dangerous to themselves or the house or the pets. And so every task that must get done has to be done by us the caregiver. Our loved one is no help. I’m 77 yo and much less able and energetic to monitor my DH (my senior citizen toddler) than I was many years ago when my kids were young. It’s hard.2 -
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Very nice thoughts for the caregiver. I came to believe in time that my DW was still in there and could hear my voice even if she did not understand. I instructed everyone, nurses included, to never speak anything around her that you would not have wanted her to hear before she was ill. I believe they are all in there to some degree and it must be a horrible place to be. Believing that helped me manage my feelings, frustrations and exhaustion a little better. And, in those rare moments, she would do something or say something that reinforced my belief. Stay strong, believe your loved one is in there fighting to be seen, heard, believed and loved and knows you love them also.
6 -
I am where you are with my DH. It’s so hard to keep him engaged in anything while I try to get house or yard work done. He can no longer help or follow simple instructions, but follows me around watching everything I do. It’s maddening! I feel so much pressure to keep him busy so he doesn’t just sit and stare at nothing.
it is so depressing. I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears. I have to get help but am finding it so difficult to take that step.
There is a group called CAREBLAZERS that I found on You Tube. The videos are very helpful and informative. The doctor who started this has a class starting on June 1st on making difficult decisions. I signed up for it. I am hoping it will give me the courage to finally get some help.
Lots of hugs to you. This is so so awful and so hard.6 -
@Lethe
It's really hard to do all things with love when you're the one doing all the things. It's exhausting to be the only responsible adult in the house who has more in common with the single mom of a toddler with ADHD than with friends and family who are living the retirement you'd planned for yourselves.
Extend yourself some grace.
HB6 -
When my DW is difficult, can’t comprehend or follow thru, I keep going back to: “she can’t help it”
5 -
I am the caretaker for DH, living with and agree with all of the above (as my daughters would say, "What she/he said")
My DH was diagnosed last spring in the middle of other chaos in our life including emergency home repairs and a family member passing away suddenly, plus vehicle breakdown—and more. I am now faced with the need to complete repairs (by hiring it done), sell the home (with lots of "stuff" that DH does not want to part with) and move to a smaller, easier to manage place that does not have stairs. We cannot afford to move to assisted living. Just accomplished (most of) the legal paperwork (trust/will/POAs); now to the sorting out. I have finally come up with a plan that involves two temporary storage units (one for stuff we need/want to keep, and one for stuff I want to disappear in a few months); this may have to include moving into a rental/air bnb temporarily while some of the repairs are being finished (yikes!).
Meanwhile, DH experienced some weakness events last week and finally had a pacemaker implanted, throwing us into more turmoil. I keep telling myself "this too will pass," but it all seems to be getting crazier by the day. Thanks for letting me vent—it seems to help— and on this forum, it is obvious I am not alone.
8 -
Absolutely! I totally resent the disease and have to remind myself that the behaviors and moods I'm experiencing are not done by my SO, but they are done TO her by Alzheimers. Actually done to both of us. Fortunately she's still at a point where occasionally her "good" side still comes out on rare occasions. Those make it all worth while.
5 -
Self-talk advice I keep trying to say to myself these days, sometimes it helps, most of the time I struggle:
We're all in survival mode here. Ain't no cavalry coming to "fix the problem" and cure our LO. Don't sweat the small stuff. Deal with the crisis-de-jour in front of you and stop worrying about all the possible future crises. Let go of the life you and your LO once shared. Accept and make the most of the remaining life you have left together, even if they are no longer who they use to be (and you are no longer the same person because of this new reality). Accept their illness. Do not take their illness and what it makes them say and do personally. Accept your new role as a caregiver and work hard to be the best you can be at it.
Keep them safe and comfortable and secure. Take care of yourself. Ask others to help. Never stop remembering who they once were (and still are underneath the illness).4 -
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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