The Limits of Caregiving

Karl38

I am 87 and my wife is 85. It's been 8 years since her Alzheimer's was first noticed and now she is in Stage 6. We have had a wonderful life overall and a great marriage (67 years) and two sons we are proud of. But face it, our life is over. We have no friends now, nothing to look forward to except a struggle to get through each day. What's the point? It would be so easy to end it all for both of us. I'm giving it serious consideration. If any readers have reached this point in caregiving I would like to hear from you. If you respond you are obviously still alive so it would be interesting to see how you got through it.

BPS

Karl I am only 70 and my wife was diagnosed over 10 years ago and I have thought some of the same thoughts because this disease is so depressing. I would never take a life even my own, I have seen what it does to the remaining people like your sons. It haunts them for the rest of their lives, wondering if they could have or should have done something different. Dealing with this is not only an act of love for your spouse but also for your kids. They may not need your help or involvement but they need your example of dealing with this, the hardest part of life. They may be grown but they are still learning from you. I have four kids that all live pretty close but only one stays in regular contact with me. Even though the others have made other decisions I still care about them and want to be an example of what a person should be and do. I ask that you stay strong long enough to talk to someone that can get to know more about you and can give you better help then I can.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76248/the-limits-of-caregiving

@BPS said it perfectly. Talk to your boys about how you are feeling. My husband has dementia but prior to him, my mother in law had it for many years. She was 88 when she passed and my FIL was 90 when he lost her. He as a very religious man, but he did wish he could end it in such a way they could be together. He would talk to me instead of his sons. He lived a full life for nearly 3 years after she passed and he was devastated when she was gone. He made it his mission to visit elderly people within his church that were alone and lonely. It helped him. I wish you the best.

Quilting brings calm

I think your title says it all- you’ve reached the limit for caregiving. consider moving your spouse to memory care. Maybe think about a facility that would also be able provide independent or assisted living for you. The freedom of having a staff to care for your wife while you attend onsite activities, socialize with other people, having meals made for you, laundry dove for you would go a long way to make your days more enjoyable.

Biggles

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76248/the-limits-of-caregiving

Karl38 you sound so tired and sad it’s such a hard slog and I feel for you. For me I would really like this nightmare to finish. I too am tired and so sad. I am 76 my DH has VD and Aphasia, he is 78, about stage 5 or 6, fabulous exciting marriage of 54 years and two wonderful children. Sadness was overwhelming me a couple of months ago, then I received a card from our daughter the front of the card said ‘Mum all my love forever’ inside she had written “Dear Mum, thank you for showing me how to be determined, brave & courageous. Thank you for loving and caring for my beautiful Dad with such gentleness. I love you. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Mum”. As BPS has said so perfectly the bourdon on our shoulders is the example we set to others, they will remember and carry that for the rest of their lives. Take heart.

Sunfish47

This is how I see it: everyone who is elderly & taking care of a spouse suffering dementia or another terminal illness will ponder this. What is the point? We know the story’s ending, the inevitable slow decline over many years. Nothing will stop it and all we’re doing is just walking them home. There is no quality of life, it’s pointless.
I need life goals outside of this. In my situation I am 77 and DH, stage 5, is 84. He’s not much aware anymore of whats happening, but I am still involved in the daughters and grandkids lives, and also the 2 dear friends who haven’t yet died or abandoned me. I stay in constant contact, physically if possible or by phone or text messages, trying to be immersed in their lives, helping them with their life issues. It brings me back mentally to the world, to other people, I try to help or console them over their problems. I am grateful that I still have people who look to me for advice or consolation.
I have no in-home help yet but am considering bringing in someone a couple days a week so I can get out to some kind of volunteer activity in the community. I have to get out of myself mentally, and somehow feel like I’m giving back even in a small way so my life still has some purpose.