Has anyone here thought about divorce?

Bailey's Mom

I don't know if I should post this or not…I'm sure it's not going to be a popular one! My husband has alzheimer's dementia. He has never been kind, caring or sweet and has been verbally abusive our entire marriage…56 years. We have no children, or heirs…he is estranged from his family, except for a brother, who has headed for the hills after seeing how far gone he is cognitively…visited for too long and HWD couldn't showtime anymore… and detests my family, who are not allowed to visit. I am his sole caregiver. He is so paranoid and delusional (thinks that many people live here…all of them dead and can walk through walls…who are stealing all of his stuff…that accusation includes me. He has totally emptied his workshop and filled our house with dirty tools and has a tantrum if I mention it. Most of the time he doesn't recognize me…thinks that I am a housekeeper, the woman who does laundry, etc. and doesn't believe that we are married. Occassionally he does remember, and after I have answered a series of test questions, he tells me how much he dislikes me and goes on and on and on about all of the horrible things that I have done and how bossy and selfish I am and how no one likes me, etc. He doesn't want to live in our house anymore because of all of the 'other people' who live here and steal from him,esp the man who lives in the box in the attic (there is nobody else…just the 2 of us and our dog). He wants to buy a big sailboat and live on it in Puerto Rico (we lived on a big sailboat for 8 yrs at one time), and resents me for not thinking that this is a wonderful idea.

Anyway…we have separate finances (for 40 yrs), no heirs and he doesn't like me and certainly doesn't love me, or even recognize that I am taking care of him (finances, medications, appts, cooking, cleaning, vehicles, everything) as he has extreme anasognosia, and thinks that I am the crazy one. He is borderline violent if he doesn't get his way and has loaded pistols, knives and all kinds of homemade weapons ready to fight the ghosts who live here, if need be. He has great longevity in his family…his father just passed away at 100 YO in a nursing home, with dementia. I would care for him till the end, if he were a different kind of man, but figure that I only have about 5 yrs to live myself(77 YO) and wonder if I should try to have a life for those years. I live in Florida, and would probably end up impoverished by the end of it, but maybe that would be better than the emotional hell that I am living through now.

There…I've said it…has anyone else considered this?

easy23

I'm so sorry Bailey's Mom. That sounds awful! Do you have DPOA and can place him in MC or nursing home? That way you don't have to take care of him or worry about his weapons.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76272/has-anyone-here-thought-about-divorce

Call your attorney and ask if you can divorce him. I don’t know if legally you can in his condition. I am sorry you are living this life. If you have a chance to get out, run! You aren’t safe living with him and his weapons!

Bailey's Mom

I do have DPOA, and have toured 3 local MC facilities. The problem that I see is that he will fight any kind of placement and I think that if I forced it, he would be so hard to handle that he would be discharged. I have called the police…nothing they will do with demential patients unless they actually commit a violent crime…EMS will not guarantee they will transport him unless he has a medical emergency…VA social worker said that I don't have any good options. He has an appt with a geriatric psychiatrist next month, but so far no medications have been effective, even antipsychotics. I have an appt with my atty at the end of this month and was thinking about asking her what my legal options are as far as divorce goes. If I have to pay alimony or for his memory care, I will be left with nothing…but that may be what I have to do.

jgreen

Dear @Bailey's Mom

Do sorry you are in this untenable situation. I encourage you to talk with your attorney, or hire an Elder Care attorney. A divorce from an individual with dementia is going to be costly and acrimonious. He will need to have a guardian appointed to support him through this. You need professional help with this one. Also check with attorney about how you can live separately for your own safety.

Have a safe place in case he becomes agressive or violent. And call 911 if needed. You might also want to reach out to sheriff department and get husband on a list of dementia patients so they are aware of his diagnosis in case a call is placed to them.

Please let us know how you are doing. We care about you! 💝

ronda b

Have you thought of him being placed. Do you have medical power of attorney? Getting a divorce would probably not be wise. Talk to an attorney.

easy23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274801#Comment_274801

I have called 911 several times for my husband and told them he had "altered mental status." They took him to the ER. Maybe you can do that and then get him admitted to a geriatric psych unit for medication management. Then he can be sent to MC or nursing home. Consult with the elder care attorney for payment options - maybe he qualifies for Medicaid.

Bailey's Mom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274802#Comment_274802

Thanks for your advice…and last sentence…I wasn't sure how this would sound!

I know that it is very difficult…and expensive…to divorce someone with dementia, and can't believe I am even considering it…but I am. I have a good atty who specializes in dementia and medicaid. In Florida, I may have to pay him alimony, even though he has ample resources to selp pay for about 10 years of MC. He wouldn't qualify for medicaid for at least 9 or 10 years. I'm at the point of not caring about that…I'll live in a tent if I have to! I do sleep in a separate room that has outside access, but am not able to lock it and he comes in and out multiple times every night. I have purchased a new door knob that can be locked from my side of the room, but that he can't lock or unlock from the other side, and plates to cover up the dead lock that I would have to remove, but am concerned about his reaction to being locked out. Also, I will need about an hour of privacy to change the locks out, which is hard to come by. I have a bag packed for myself and the dog and am ready to go if I need to. The police are not helpful in my area…they will start an investigation if I call them, and don't keep a registry of dementia patients or offer the free gps watches, or take their name or anything. If he shoots me, they will take him in! Ugh…this is not an easy situation.

LearningCurve

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76272/has-anyone-here-thought-about-divorce

Yes, I have. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I am trying very hard to hang in there although like so many of our members, there is no real family help. Soldier on… May God reach down and help each of us. Peace to all.

blacksparky

• The spouse seeking the divorce generally does not need their partner’s consent in a no-fault divorce state.
• If the spouse with Alzheimer’s lacks capacity, the court may require a guardian, conservator, guardian ad litem, or attorney to represent their interests.
• The court will typically take extra steps to ensure the cognitively impaired spouse’s property rights, support rights, and care needs are protected.
• The spouse with Alzheimer’s usually cannot be forced to sign legal documents they do not understand.
• If the person with Alzheimer’s is the one seeking the divorce, capacity becomes a much bigger issue because they generally must be able to understand the nature and consequences of the decision to divorce.

Jgirl57

I think you should still consider placement and if he gives them a hard time , they can send him to the ER for altered mental state and to seek psychiatric care. I hope your attorney gives more help than the VA social worker

annie51

I can’t offer you any better advice than you’ve already gotten, but just want to say to you how sorry I am that you’re in such a dreadful situation. I would be a total wreck. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing.

Sending hugs and prayers…