Venting

mom2boyz

My DH has early onset Alzheimer's. He is only 57. He is a wonderful man but it's getting more difficult to discuss anything with him and I'm having a hard time with dealing with it.

Anything I suggest, he shoots down. I wanted to check the gutters due to water pooling in front of the garage and he just made little "comments" the entire time. I just told him I want to look for easy fixes first.

He's been needing a new phone for a couple of years, I say let's go get one and he always said he wants to research but then we don't. I say let's go to our phone provider to see what they have, no, he wants an unlocked phone. Tonight I said let's go wherever phones are sold and get him one, no I want to go to our phone provider.

I realize this is so insignificant but this type of thing happens multiple times daily over any scenario you could think of and it's really breaking me down.

We have been blessed so far along this horrible path so I feel like I have no right to vent but am I making any sense?

Thank you for listening/reading

Ed's mom

Welcome! You describe many of our lives, sometimes it's like a mirror. We own probably 6 measuring tapes. Every size and we live in two rooms. She bought another. Why?

You can't reason with someone who's reasoner is broken. I learned that my first time here and finally it's my way of accepting about 80% of the time. The arguing has stopped. It's hard to accept and sometimes I fail but I'm worried on it. You are with friends here that really understand.

blacksparky

Welcome. My DW is 56 and was diagnosed at 53 with signs several years earlier that we never even thought about Alzheimer’s. She is now stage 6 but back when she was stage 4 I just stopped asking her any questions that I knew she really wouldn’t understand. I also became a real good fibber when talking to her. She had no idea about our finances or balancing our checkbook or many other things like following a recipe. You just need to silently just take over all decisions without asking what he thinks. I know it’s not easy to do this and I struggled in the past but being on this site has helped me make many decisions based on others examples.

LearningCurve

Hellloooo. I think I totally get you. Yes. So, so challenging and just flat out difficult to be the wife/care partner. I used to be an outgoing person. I have become very quiet as it helps keep my nerves a little. I seem to fare a little better when I can keep myself under control/not react control and err on the side of silence. Nodding my head and agreeing with "his world" have been a key part of my ability to endure this journey. In our world, "Discussion" is a word in the dictionary. I am still learning. The book " The 36 Hour Day" has been really helpful. Stick with this group :) I hear you Sister, take care.

H1235

Tacking on to what blacksparky has said. You need to get used to just doing what needs to be done without discussing it. If it really doesn’t matter just let it go and pick your battles. If you think he should have a new phone just do it. (You might want to consider that new technology might be difficult for him if it’s too different from what he is used to.) He will probably be mad. Apologize for everything (it’s hard, but you will always be the one that is wrong). Use fibs to make things less upsetting for him. You got a really good deal on the phone. Get him a new phone for his birthday. You were trying to be helpful by getting him a new phone. You know he is busy and so you hired xyz done so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. He might not even notice that some things have been done. Could you hire someone to do the gutter work and ask a friend or family member to take him out while it’s being worked on. I would also avoid at all costs things this might cause issues. If he has always changed the oil in the cars, but you feel he might not be capable anymore, just have the oil changed and don’t bring it up. Time is difficult for a person with dementia, if the topic is not brought up in conversation he may forget all about oil changes. You could also try kicking the can down the road if he insists on something your not comfortable with (a big purchase). You might find you need to tip toe around certain topics. Eventually there are so many topics that are upsetting that you have to think carefully before you say anything. Being grumpy and argumentative can’t be pleasant for him either. At some point a mild anxiety medication might be worth considering.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

annie51

So much good advice you’ve received here. I agree with all of it, especially about picking your battles. One thing I learned from one of the books I read: when something gets you irritated or angry or frustrated, just remember DIRM…ask yourself “does it really matter”? You will find your attitude changes when you really think through those irritations and decide if it’s important or can you live with it? Using this and the techniques mentioned by others should help you better get through the day. Live in his world and make him feel valued, but find a way to do things on your own that need to be done if they don’t fit into that world.

Quilting brings calm

I wouldn’t get him a new phone since 1) he probably won’t be able to figure out how to use it .., or wont retain that knowledge for every long… which will just cause more frustration and headaches for you. 2) He doesn’t seem to be able to follow through on deciding what to get … see number 1.

Apply that to most everything involving him.

storycrafter

I hear you all too well. It seems like a switch was turned on in his brain that tells him to resist any comment I make whether simply sharing a thought, or making a suggestion. You have my empathy. I have found myself reluctantly withdrawing and saying less and less because it gets wearisome.

micki517

I'm not qualified to give advice since I just posted my first question a couple of weeks ago, but I can tell you this group is INCREDIBLE! The advice they give is spot on and it will truly help to know you are in a place with others that actually KNOW.

My husband is the same age and we seem to be at the same stage as you and your husband. We have those same conversations. I keep wanting to explain or discuss or give him the chance to share his thoughts on whatever, but that is only making things worse. He also likes to "research" or tells me he "needs time to think about it" but just forgets and we come back around to the same topic or conversation days later. I'm learning to just do/redo/hide/ignore/accept… And I'm a perfectionist, so this is tough! Today he put up a dog pen for our new dog and he put the gate doors on upside down. I hope our new dog can learn to step up and over!

One thing I have learned in the past two weeks (from this group and beyond) is to reach out for help. I do not have friends nearby or a lot of family that understand. My husband and I are best friends and we are each other's person. We've enjoyed doing things with friends, but never really needed friends, if that makes sense. Anyway, I know I cannot do this "with him" as my support person, so I have had to take the leap. This group was my first attempt to reach out and they immediately started offering me advice and support. I then talked with a few friends (that live states away) and they have jumped in, no judgment, to help me however they can. One sent a picture frame and set it up for all the family/friends to add pictures to it with a phone app. Another has texted daily to check in on me. A mom in my granddaughter's homeschool co-op group has started messaging with me almost daily to just talk about normal things. I never knew I had a support system. Now I do.

I need to stop typing (because I am very verbose - that's actually an understatement), but know that I understand you! Your problems are not insignificant. And this is hard. And terrifying. But I (and the others in this group) get it.

Sending hugs because I know we all need them. (This is one of the things I miss most).

Oh - one suggestion: Tell Alexa to play 80s music. Turn it up loud and dance. It really helps. If nothing else, you can forget the stress for just few minutes and breathe. My specific go-to song is 1999. Prince was sooooooooo right!

Goodlife2025

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274977#Comment_274977

We do understand. We have 11 basil plants in our garden this summer. DW just can't remember we have already bought and planted so we do it again. I am trying to remember it doesn't really matter and it makes her happy (over and over again every time we buy one.)

mom2boyz

Thank you all for the wonderful advice! I don't feel so alone anymore.

Storycrafter - you are so right about it being like a switch. Describes it perfectly! I handle it some days better than others.

I try to just do things that need to be done. It's difficult when he is always here checking on what I am doing.

I worry about him being able to handle a new phone also. But his phone can't even handle the minimal things he does on it now. I will just put a hold on that until he actually has me drive him to the phone store.

This really is an amazing group! ❤️

LearningCurve

Phones, ugh. I had a terrible accident 8 years ago. I am a low tech person (and I like it that way) who long ago lost my love of phones, so I am speaking for myself. It's just me and my DH and 2 dogs in these mountains. After my accident, I got a simple emergency type phone from "Lively." I started with their flip phone then switched to their smart phone. Just sharing this in case it is helpful to someone here.

Call me Gram

Gram: Want to sit out on the deck?

DH: Oh no, it's too cold outside.

Gram: Okay, if you need me I'll be out back.

Gram goes out and sits on the deck chair

A couple minutes later, DH comes out and sits down

Gram: Can I get you your fleece jacket?

DH: No, it's too warm out here.

A couple minutes pass and DH gets up to go inside

Gram: You okay?

DH: Yes, it's just too cold out here.

🤣🤣🤣