6/16/2026

blacksparky

It’s June 16 2026. Why do I mention this date? Pamella (my DW who is in stage 6 needing assistance in showering, dressing, toileting and medication), has had a few tough days and I have too. She has  been agitated or crying most of the days and I am not sure how I can take care of her agitation or crying except to give her meds to calm her down and then she just gets comatose and dozes off. This is not what I want for either of us. I am at he point where every caretaker faces and that is I can’t help her as much as a memory care facility can. I am so mad at myself and feeling like I am letting her down but she has no idea even who I am and what care I have given her. I have an appointment with an elder care attorney next week to go over our trust to make sure everything is in line to stay qualified for Medi/Cal. I will also tour some 6 bed facilities in the next few weeks and try to decide which one will be the best for my dear Pamella and get on a waiting list.  I love her so much and only want the best for her in what short life that she has left. It hurts my heart so much and I feel so guilty of letting her down even though I know I have done my best.
Sorry for the rant…

 F- YOU Alzheimer’s. 😡

Jeff H

We all do our best. This outcome is inevitable with this disease. You have not failed her or yourself. You need to watch your health also. I wish you the best outcome possible.

Sweetwater

Of course you've done your best, but at this time despite all of our bests, dementia wins. Her placement is for the both of you. You can become her husband again, not her around the clock caretaker. You can get enough sleep. Hopefully it will all go smoothly for the both of you. Good luck and try to bury any feelings of guilt. You are doing the right thing.

cdgbdr

I was in your situation about a year ago. Placing DH was the most gut wrenching thing I've ever done. I do know that it was best for both of us. You are doing this in love.

jgreen

As @SDianeL would say - you are doing this FOR Pamella, not TO her. It is the right time for both of you now, 6/16/2026. Take some time to adjust, and rest and then be there for Pamella as her loving husband.

Take care, @blacksparky You deserve a big hug for just coming this far. 💝

Chance Rider

I can only imagine what a difficult decision that is to make. Please don’t be mad at yourself. You’re truly doing what’s best for you both.

Sending HUGS and hoping all goes smoothly for you and Pamella.

annie51

I know the feeling well. It is gut wrenching but in hindsight, for DH and for me it was the right decision. Guilt is inevitable but don’t let it define you. You’ve done an amazing job so far but now you can focus on being her husband and advocate, not her nurse. Along with the guilt comes a feeling of relief and freedom that the heavy lifting is not your responsibility anymore and you can begin to have a little bit of your life back. Good luck and keep us posted. Sending hugs!

CMarlene

So much of life is learning to "Let Go." You can Let Go with Love by placing your DW Pamella in the best facility for her care. It will be hard but you will see that it is the best solution for her…and for you. You count, also.

easy23

We all do the best we can under very difficult circumstances. Placing your DW in MC is a loving thing to do. She will get the care she needs and you will get the break you need. It's the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life. The week before placement I was so stressed I had to ask the doctor for something to calm me down. Things will work out, don't you worry!

Goodlife2025

Blacksparky, many prayers with you as you approach this next step. You have done your best for your Pamela and this will allow you to go back to being the loving husband and not the 24/7 exhausted caretaker. I personally will not be able to consider any type of MC for my DW and I envy you that you have the option to consider. I would also feel better about the smaller facility, let us know how it is going…….

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76294/6-16-2026

Please do not feel guilty. I cared for my DH until he got to the stage your wife is at. When choosing a care facility be sure to choose one where it is easy to visit.