How to answer, "I need to go home."

Jeff H

My DW almost every day says, "I need to go home." I tell her you are home and that everything is fine and you are safe. She replies with, "No, I need to go home." I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and has any suggestions. Thank you.

Sunfish47

I have this same issue with my DH. At some point everyday, he will express to me that he will be leaving to go home. Or that he wants me to help him get home. Or that his mother (deceased 45 years) is nearby and that he needs to see her. I think this is just general anxiety. He is still aware enough, sometimes, to realize the functions he’s no longer able to do. It’s gotta be a terrible feeling to be aware of what you’ve lost. Our pcp gave me a referral to a neurologist so I can get him an Rx for something to calm him.

sandwichone123

Some people suggest telling her, "we'll go home tomorrow, it's too late now," or "the plumbers are still working, and then we'll go home." Sometimes asking about who they'll see or what they will do when they get home, followed by a distraction like a snack. Sometimes reassuring that they're safe, but without telling them they're "home," because we don't know what that word means to them right now.

Karen711

My wife does a similar thing and based on a (I believe) Teepa Snow talk it’s a manifestation of anxiety and or discomfort. I try to redirect to some comforting (and distracting) activity we can do together like have some ice cream, play some favorite songs, put on a favorite utube, read a story, etc- or whatever else makes sense at the time. It seems to help. I’ve stopped telling her she is home, it never helped and I think could’ve added to the anxiety.

annie51

Lots of good advice from others here. My DH began saying things like this every evening as we were doing puzzles after dinner. At first I said this is your home, but realized this is not the best way to handle it because that is contradicting him. After a while I was ready with answers like “it’s getting late, you can stay here tonight” and if he said his parents would worry, I said “I’ll send them a message”. I dreaded him asking but I had a few different answers ready depending on how he asked the question. And be ready with another distraction as others have suggested. It worked fine most days.

kingsleysl

Many people with dementia say this, even when they are already at home. Instead of correcting her, try focusing on the feeling behind the statement. You could respond with something like, “Tell me about home,” or “What do you miss about home?” Sometimes they are looking for comfort, familiarity, or reassurance rather than a physical place. Redirecting the conversation to a favorite memory, a calming activity, or a snack can also help reduce anxiety. Every person is different, but validation often works better than repeatedly explaining that they are already home.

blacksparky

Great advice from all. I’m not sure exactly where I either read or watched a program with the topic of wanting to go home. Sometimes wanting to go home doesn’t refer to an actual brick and stone building but they just want to go back to where they were before this disease. Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew what they were thinking?

elainechem

When my husband said something like this, I would take him on a long car ride. By the time we got home, he had forgotten all about it.

I think that when they ask to go home, they really want to go someplace where they won't be so confused and everything would be easier again. Sadly, we can't provide this for them.

Snipe

I’ve also read that they may be thinking about their childhood home or another home that they may have lived in. I answer my DW with either it’s to late or to early, to dark, haven’t eaten yet, raining out etc. I also tell her I will take her wherever she wants to go later or tomorrow. At times I have to tell her I will let everyone know she is here so they won’t worry. It usually works.
Earlier in this sad journey she used to tell me she had to leave because she didn’t want neighbors to think she was staying with me all night.

Chance Rider

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275664#Comment_275664

Thank you for sharing your tip about telling your DW that you’ll let everyone know where she is so they won’t worry. We’re not “there” yet but filing this away for when the time comes.

Biggles

My DH often says he wants to go home and I think what blacksparky says is spot on. My DH wants to go back to a time when things were different and he wasn’t confused and he could still do things. I find that hard to contend with. However we did move house 4 years ago and we both loved our previous home of 30 years so when he says I want to go home I say honestly me too I loved our other house. I then proceed to talk about where we used to live and I talk about the neighbours, the closeness of the beach and the streets the cars, the shops anything I can think of really and eventually he is distracted by the conversation and I move on to having an ice cream or a doughnut or what ever. It works, it’s sad, sometimes I silently cry.

/STEVE

I used, we are house sitting and need to stay one more day. we will go home tomorrow.

Dio

It's heartbreaking for us to hear for sure, but it's a very common question from PWDs, sometimes even if they are home and not in MCF. You already have some great suggestions here. I started out with "when the doctor says it's ok" or "I'm working on it" or "Soon, in a few days (fill in a bogus # of days)." Chances are they won't remember your answer regardless, and this will repeat. Sometimes, it may stop for a short while before it repeats.

jgreen

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275647#Comment_275647

I think I saw the same video as you @blacksparky My husband JUST started saying that he ‘wanted to go home’. I came up with “Hey, I am here with you and we are okay. As long as we are together, this is all that matters. Let’s stay here for now and (have some dinner or snack or watch tv) and talk more tomorrow. I got you!” So far letting him know he is safe and that I am here for him seems to be working.

persevere

We passed through this stage (I can’t believe it) several years ago. And it’s true, they probably aren’t talking about their actual home. Just a moment in time when they felt safe. She also used to talk about needing to be with her mom or dad who were long gone. Sometimes I would remind her of that and she would seem to acknowledge it. Other times she was just persistent. It’s all textbook. Just be gentle and say ok, we will tomorrow, it’s too late today. Usually that’s good enough.