New to the Discussion

RoniP

Hello. My mother is in a memory care facility. She believes other residents are breaking into her room (picking her lock, or have a key) and stealing from her. This is not new. When she lived in her own apartment, she thought the maintenance man was coming in sabotaging things in her apartment. I set up a camera and saw nothing. I don't know how to handle this. Any advice would be appreciated.

SiberianIris

Welcome to AlzConnected!

"Someone stole my ______" is a typical response for a person with dementia when they can't find something. It is for my mom as well. I've found it's best to commiserate with them, so they feel heard, then give an action plan, so they feel like you're on their side. "Oh no, mom, I'm so sorry! We can try looking for it together."

We'd usually find the lost item within a few minutes. My mom can come up with some creative hiding places. Also check trash cans. With dementia, out of sight often means out of mind. The "stolen" item might be found in the same drawer mom kept it for years, but with dementia, she might not think of opening the drawer.

Losing items enabled Mom to agree with me setting up cameras. These were very helpful for me, but I learned it was best NOT to use the cameras to try to prove anything to mom. If the item can't be found, and mom is still upset, tell her something to make her feel like you're working on the problem, like "I'll talk to the director, call the insurance company, police, etc."

Losing items because you can't remember where you put them and thinking someone stole them is very anxiety producing. Mom is on a low dose of Lexapro, which has helped her a lot.

Emily 123

Hello RoniP,

You can let the caregiving staff know so that they're aware of how she's perceiving things. It's not uncommon, because the disease has removed her ability to 'pin' a memory. For instance, if I put my coffee down and go outside to get the mail, I'd likely recall where I'd put that coffee cup. For a person with dementia 'out of sight becomes out of mind', and they can't recall recent actions. If there are people coming and going while they're looking for an item that isn't directly in their line of sight they'll conclude that those people have moved or taken the thing they're searching for. If this seems to make her agitated you may want to discuss it with her healthcare provider to see if she can receive medication to help her with any anxiety her dementia may be causing.

sandwichone123

When my dh would accuse someone of stealing, I would always promise to look into it or to tell the staff. The next week, the same. I did let the staff know he had these beliefs, but I didn't go tell them every week.

caregiving daughter

First, it is possible items are leaving her room. I once saw another resident wearing my mom's shirt and the situation was totally innocent. Yes, the caregivers should be watching more closely but in reality, they can't watch 24/7. I would remove anything valuable or treasured out of the room. If your mom continues to say someone is stealing her things, show that you take it really seriously. Visually show her that you are taking notes on what is missing. Ask questions on when she thinks it may have happened. After three or four questions, try to divert the conversation to something else.

JulietteBee

@RoniP, unfortunately, complaints of "stolen" items are a normal part of this disease.

My mom, having lived in her marital home for 12 years after my dad's death was never an organized person.

After moving to an ILF which provided weekly housekeeping, the housekeeper was frequently the culprit for missing money, missing, bras, missing meds, and even a missing BP cuff.

As I KNOW no one stole it/them, I never reported her accusation to staff. I basically pray & then go on a scavenger hunt. I often locate the item/s in the most unusual places, such that only a pwd could possibly think of. Mom then declares "I know for a fact that I did not put it there." 😂