New to Discussion Group

tgrimm66

I am new to this discussion board; I really need to vent just a little.

I have worked with many PWD in long term facilities but having a BIL staying with us at home is so much different. He was in a nursing home in Georgia, and his sister was the one who placed him and was responsible for him at that time. She passed and so my husband went to get him and brought him back to Missouri and placed him in a local nursing home. BIL was there for over a year and then all of sudden they claimed he hit someone (no witnesses) but they had him removed and placed in a lock down unit that was several hours from where we live. I believe they kicked him out because my husband called state on them at least 17 times, but somehow, they did not receive any fines.

When they moved him, they did not call my husband who is his DPOA. So, what does my husband do moves him into our small two-bedroom mobile home. Stating that he would take care of him, well that happened but it is I who takes care of him. I was against bringing him here only because I know what and how much it takes to care for an FTD person. I love my BIL but my husband is no help with his own brother. Claims he doesn't want to be tied down to athis person for however long he has left. Yes, I am very upset at his attitude, so I just do my job with a smile on my face.

I need to go see my children and grandchildren on a weekend in Arkansas. I also need to see my brother who has liver cancer. I just need a break but unfortunately, I cannot find a place that has respite care in this small town. My husband wants to just a person off the street to come take care of him, it really causes a fight.

Thank you for letting me vent a little bit!! There are only two support groups near me, and they both meet during the hours my husband is running our two transportation companies. Any suggestions on any online places for a support group.

Damiross

I've found this site to be good for support.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76393/new-to-discussion-group

Welcome. Here is my advice after living this for 20 years with my ex mil with Alzheimer’s: Your husband does not want to give up his life to care for his brother but expects you to. While you continue to care for your bil matters will only get worse. As you know, you bil will require more and more round the clock care that you will be expected to give without support or assistance. I would recommend that you tell your husband that neither of you are willing to become full time care provider to his brother and have him find an assisted living/ memory care facility for his brother. Your resentment towards your husband and his brother will destroy both relationships and take a toll on your health. If you don’t handle this situation now, you will be signing up as your bil full time caregiver while your husband enjoys his stress free life.

Maru

You want to go see your children and grands, and a brother with cancer. Give your DH a week's notice that you are going then go. Be gone at least a week, two is better. You need a break and your DH needs to take responsibility for his brother.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76393/new-to-discussion-group

Make plans to see your family. It’s your husband’s responsibility to figure out care for his brother. Let him know when you are leaving so that he has someone in place. This is not your responsibility.

SiberianIris

Welcome to AlzConnected and vent away. It sure sounds like you have ample reason to.

One valuable lesson I've learned on caregiving forums is:

"As long as YOU are the solution, no one will bother looking for an alternative."

I agree with the other posters that you need to take a couple of weeks away to go help your family. That way, your husband will get to experience first hand what it's like doing hands-on care of his brother. Your husband told you he would take care of his brother, so step back - way back - and let him. There needs to be another solution that is not solely you.