How to tell DH that I’m getting help

MamaV

Greetings everyone. Sorry for the long post.
My DH is in mid stage Alzheimer’s. We’ve been doing ok so far. I haven’t brought in any help, but I know I have to now. He doesn’t need assistance dressing, bathing or bathroom. He has a lot of trouble speaking, using the correct words for his thoughts and can’t complete a sentence. He can’t play games any longer or help with household chores. I feel like my life is just trying to keep him happy so he doesn’t just sit and stare or watch tv. He can’t follow a story line on tv or in conversation. I’m out of ideas and I feel like i am approaching burnout. Family can’t help and friends are busy.
How do you cross that threshold of getting help? It’s a difficult step, but I know I have to take it. Any tips on how to approach my DH about this? I don’t want to hurt his feelings or humiliate him. Anyone have any tips?
Thank you!

Goodlife2025

Maybe try saying it is help for you, you're having a hard time keeping up with things Others on this site will have lots of practical advice but they often start with bringing in someone slowly with one or two times a week. Keeping your loved one occupied is tricky for us all. I have created several painting projects this summer for DW. She can still paint a piece of wood if I set it all up for her. She will take an hour to paint one side of a board. Shelling walnuts has been another one. It's okay if shells and walnuts are all mixed together. Try having him sort buttons, coins, screws, anything…. BUT mostly at this stage DW is not engaged, sits often for long periods not watching TV or noticing her surroundings, but also doesn't seem to know she is "just" sitting there. Off in her own world she is and as long as she is content, I don't need to find something that might engage her. At least that is the current plan…

MamaV

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276039#Comment_276039

thank you for these suggestions. I’ll give them a try! I try to encourage him to help me in the yard when I’m gardening, picking up sticks or something. He can’t bend for long because of his back, so that help is limited.
i guess it’s ok to let him sit and stare. He doesn’t seem bored. The need to constantly entertain is exhausting. It’s hard to get housework done.
Bringing help in for me makes sense. I will try that.
thank you again!

Belle60

I brought someone in the earlier stages to get DH used to having someone in the house with him. I am still working(almost retired) and was concerned about leaving him for long periods of time. Getting the right person can be difficult. I told him it was just so someone would hang out with him and help around the house while I was at work.

Biggles

My DH is cannot dress, shower, shave, turn on tv or change channels cannot follow new movies so we watch good ones over and over it’s a bit like Groundhog Day but we have a great life, full of dancing ie shuffles in the kitchen and misic. He also is almost non-verbal with Aphasia. He will sometimes vacuum around the floor, watches a lot of tv but I have just set up a work station for him in our office (he was an architectural computer aided draftsman) I have removed his laptop replaced it with a revolving picture frame with no passcodes, mixed photos from years ago to current, daughter and son can add photos automatically onto it too using wifi; I have also set up two of his drawers in his desk removed previous stuff and replaced with fiddle pieces, old watches, compas, binoculars, shackles etc. He loves it and will sit for quite some time watching the photos and fiddling with his stuff. I make sure we go out nearly every day for my sanity, we sometimes take a mini picnic and go to the park or drive through MacDonald’s for a milkshake and sit at the beach, we take our Schnoodle walking ie slow shuffling at the Marina around the yachts or to the dog park in the afternoon. We are involved with Sailability I am a volunteer skipper and it’s a fabulous understanding group and provides a lot of socialising. There is lots that you can do but it is exhausting just being inventive and organising your day. It can be very lonely. ChatGPT got me onto the photo frame idea. I have a carer 2 hours a week he comes to Sailability so I can sail and work on the boats. Thinking of you, I wish you lots luck.

iowagirl1961

My husband goes to a day program. We started out going together as volunteers and he willingly continued going thinking he is a volunteer. They understand his condition and provide a good experience for him and I get some time off!

annie51

Yes it is exhausting trying to keep them occupied. When it got to the point where I needed time to myself to make phone calls, begin touring MC facilities for Plan B, recharge myself, etc. I began with hiring a companion caregiver for 2 hours, then 4 hours a week. When the person arrived, I pretended it was an old friend coming to visit (I had prearranged this with them via text). After we talked for a while, i said to DH, “hey, I have to run to the store real quick, maybe you could keep her company while I’m gone”, or “why don’t you show her your beautiful yard while I run my errands”. It gave me an idea of how he would be if I left for a while. It went ok but he seemed irritated at me when I got back. After a while (and a few different caregivers, the last one he kicked out of the house), they sent a man who was close to DH’s age. He was a godsend! He was very good with him, sat with him on the front patio, walked with him. I could leave and he didn’t ask where I was, and was fine when I got home. The point being, make it sound like it’s help for you and the housework, or you’re helping out a friend by hiring him/her to help around the house, or whatever might work in your situation. Anything other than it’s help for him. Good luck! It’s hard but it’s worth it to give you time to yourself.

cavenson

Last week was our first week with a home health aide--two days a week for 6 hours each day. His VA doctor referred us to the VA social worker who helped arrange it. It was presented to DH as a service he’s entitled to that will help both of us with light housekeeping and preparing meals. The most important services on his care plan for me are safety supervision, cognitive stimulation, and companionship. I was a little skeptical, but so far, so good. He enjoyed the company of both aides that came, and I felt comfortable and liberated going off and leaving them. Bringing a home health aide into your home is definitely worth trying, and it will probably work out better than you thought it would. I wish you good luck and reduced stress. Also, check to see if there is a GUIDE Program (Guiding an Improved Dementia Experience) in your area that will provide some respite hours. We’ve just been approved for that too, and it can add to the number of hours of help we currently receive.

Chance Rider

I’ve just recently started the process of introducing my husband to the concept of having someone come into our house. I started slowly, telling him I need help with the house work, cleaning, etc. He typically gets very agitated when I try to clean his room but he’s accepted, and likes, the gal I have come in for 2 hours every other week.

My next step will be to connect with the VA social worker who will help me find more outside help, since this has gone so well. I was quite surprised at his acceptance.

@cavenson thanks for the idea of telling me husband the outside help is a VA benefit he earned. He’s been pleased with the VA support we’ve received so far.

kath1054

After 4 years in as sole caregiver, I hired a private nurse to come 8 hrs day, 3X week. It saved my sanity. Like others, I told DH I needed her to help with housework and asked her to do light housekeeping as she kept a watchful eye on him. Eventually, he learned she could make him food, help him shower, dress, and would spend hours with him going over boxes of family photos. He loved her! As he progressed, she did less cleaning and much more assisting him, until it became 100% assisting him. Worked great, because her perspective of his decline and new behaviors was invaluable to me. He was very mobile and similar to a 2 yr old, he constantly tried to get into things or he’d take clothing out of closets, bundle them up and roam around. Together, we figured out new ways to relax him, keep him in a good mood. Btw- I hired her 8 hours so I could have time to run errands, pay bills, have appts, work in the garden, etc do multiple things without stressing of being back in time. Often, I came back early and we would review food intake, his activity and talk about new ideas. She had other clients and shared great ideas to do that I hadn’t thought of.

brupt30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276053#Comment_276053

I love the photo frame idea!

howhale

I found having potential care givers come to "visit" as a friend helped ease the introduction. My DW was still somewhat social but with limitations so engaging with our visitor started as a social visit. The potential care giver would ease into helping and if they hit it off would continue. This "visit" for a couple hours to start allowed me to evaluate how the care giver dealt with the various behaviors of my DW. Luckily I found several over the years who truly became friends for her and she was happy to see them arrive and it worked quite well. My instructions to the care givers were to make my wife's day as good as it could be. Their focus was strictly on her, not cleaning, laundry and all that other stuff. Full attention to making her day the best possible while they were there.