Mom's brother passed away

pamu

My mom's brother passed away yesterday. We have not told her yet. She still knows who he is but hasn't seen him for a year and a half at a funeral and was years before that. I don't think she is going to be devastated by his passing (he had lots of health issues and my mom always had negative things to say). Mom is still somewhat exit seeking at MC and keeps talking about leaving. We are concerned that if we take her to the funeral services that she will have a meltdown when it's time to go back to MC. We are waiting for more details but are considering telling her a fiblet that the services will be announced at a later date. Has anyone been through this will a LO that still remembers their family members?

caregiving daughter

If it was me, and my mom hadn't seen her brother for over a year, I wouldn't say anything to her at all

Focus on prayers and visitation for your uncle and his family

Focus on peace for your mom and allowing her to have a regular, stable day at her memory care

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276199#Comment_276199

I forgot to mention that she has two living siblings that still live independently. Not sure that everyone would know to keep it to themselves (not sure they could/would). If we kept it from her and she found out she would be really mad.

harshedbuzz

My take is that by the time a person needs to be in a MCF, attending funerals can be risky.

If mom were the next-of-kin, it would be different. But if she's already unfiltered enough to be talking badly about him a visitation could go sideways quickly and potentially upset a spouse and children, I'd skip that part at the very least. An actual funeral service might be safer assuming you sit near the end of a pew in order to hustle her out for any reason.

Mom took dad to the visitation of a family friend he'd known since the man was 11 years old. He was about stage 5-6 and kept forgetting why he was there in the moment. He behaved as though it was a party and upset his brother and the man's wife and children. The widow still gives mom the stink-eye when they run into one another.

My ex-BIL's mom was in about stage 6 when her DH died. She, too, forgot why she was there and was enjoying the attention of family and old friends. Her DDs kept taking her up to the open casket to remind her why they were there, but it didn't stick and they were kind of embarrassed by and for her.

HB

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276210#Comment_276210

It's funny you mention it….my mom went to a funeral a little over a year ago (this brother who passed - his wife's funeral). She walked around like it was a party and enjoyed the attention she got. I guess sometimes funerals are the only places we can see extended family but it was embarrassing because she made inappropriate remarks and got in everyone's face. She walked up to her brother and the first thing she said was, "if you want a lot of people at your funeral, you've got to die young!". I was mortified - he lost his wife of 64 years and was devastated. My mom's empathy is out the window. I have a surgery scheduled that I've told her about but she doesn't give any F's. LOL. Not sure what we are going to do. We'll see what services are planned. Thank you for your insight!

H1235

With my mil her sister passed away out of state. Sil insisted she should be brought to the funeral. She seemed lost through the whole thing. At one point I’m not even sure she knew she was at a funeral (she did behave appropriately). After the funeral luncheon she told us she had a nice visit with people that had passed long ago. We visited 2 days after everyone got home home from the trip and she was complaining because her sister hadn’t called in ages. We of course did not try to explain. Eventually her sister was just never mentioned in terms of calls or visits. With my mom a cousin passed. We told mom about the funeral and my brother offered to bring her. She said she didn’t feel comfortable going because of incontinence issues (she wears depends, but still didn’t feel comfortable). The following week I said something about having gone to the funeral (I should have never brought it up) and she was mad no one had told her when the funeral was. I think your idea to tell her about his death, then hold off on information about the funeral details and hope she just forgets, is a good idea. I would not take her. Get creative an come up with a fib she will buy into. My mom is 82 and my uncle is 87. I’m his executor and will need to handle everything. If he passes before mom I think mom is going to except to be the decision maker (she was executor before dementia). It’s going to be ugly. I hope you can come up with a solution.

pamu

It’s the telling her a fib that she will buy that is key. Mom’s brother and sister are on board whatever we (my sister and I) decide to do (thankfully). I am seeing mom tomorrow so depending on how brave I am I may tell her about his passing tomorrow. Depends if mom is having a decent day. If she’s agitated we will wait.

.Becky.

My dad's brother died. I asked for guidance from the lead nurse at my dad's MC. They advised us to not tell him. He was in stage 6. If Dad asked about him, I said that the last I heard, he was on a cruise around North America. That way he was unreachable, doing something pleasant. Within two months, he seemed to forget him. We made the right choice.

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276232#Comment_276232

I think we will do that…ask her charge nurse for her opinion/guidance.

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276235#Comment_276235

My mom has always has always accepted death as a part of life and I don't think that part of her personality has changed. She wasn't especially close with this brother - she has another living brother and her twin sister that visit and talk to her every couple of weeks (they are also elderly and have health issues). With that said, she knows that he had major health issues and was a recent widower so I don't think she will be devastated. I think she would be glad he had a peaceful passing. My sister and I worry that she will use the funeral as her way out of MC and be hyper focused on it. We found out the funeral will be next week but we are thinking of telling mom that they are planning the services for another time when their family is all together. Not sure she'll buy it. I'm reaching out to her charge nurse to find out her thoughts.

.Becky.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276234#Comment_276234

You can tell the surviving siblings that the nurse recomends not sharing news of the death. If they let it slip, act surprised. "Oh no, this is very sad news…" This disease requires us to be master liars. And then worst case, if learned, the news of the death will likely be forgotten.

.Becky.

I disagree with the advice that telling the truth regarding dying is better. Persons in memory care are barely functioning. Simple tasks are quite hard. Navigating a regular day is emotionally and physically challenging. Their simple, small world is still so very hard. They are confused and unsure. The decision to tell them that someone has died makes us feel better. But does it do anything to benefit the person with dementia? These are hard questions.

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276249#Comment_276249

Very hard decisions. Thank you for your insight!

H1235

Will her other siblings support you if you come up with a fib you think will work? My family has made things so much more difficult than was necessary by insisting on total honesty. This is so difficult. Even the best story will do you no good without their support. You have no control over what others might say to her. I find that lack of control very frustrating. Even in a worse case scenario where she finds out you have fibbed about the funeral, she is probably going to be mad for a week or two??? Will she just forget about it after that? If you take her and she tries to escape, getting her back to mc could be very traumatic.

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276252#Comment_276252

I was told by her sister that she and her brother discussed it and would honor whatever we decide to do. That doesn't mean that someone wouldn't slip and mention it. She remembered his (deceased brother's) birthday last week and mailed him a card (she gave it me to mail). We really don't know what to do. My thought is I'd rather have her mad that she didn't go to the funeral than finding out her brother died and no one told her. With that said she has zero empathy now so any feelings about others is short lived. I texted her charge nurse this morning to get her thoughts and she said she was going to discuss it with the psychiatrist for their input.

pamu

Update:

Mom's psychiatrist thinks we should not tell her about his passing. I'm having a hard time accepting that but will sit with it a little longer. I saw mom yesterday and she was having a difficult day…so I'm aware that she might be "right".

H1235

I’m sorry. It must be difficult to hear that from the psychiatrist, even if you were wondering yourself. I hope her siblings accept your decision. The psychiatrist’s opinion may help take some of the heat off you if they disagree. What is her memory like? If she doesn’t remember she was told about the funeral and/or actually went, will she be angry and upset with you for not telling her anyway. There would really be no point in trying to convince her she went to the funeral or was told about it. So would you end up in the same situation regardless? I have tried to remind myself many times there is probably not a “right” answer. Sometimes there is no good option. You just pick the option you think will be the least upsetting.

pamu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276325#Comment_276325

Her memory is very sporadic. She sometimes has a hard time finding the right word to use and will often confuse info, memories, and people. Then there are times she will surprise me by remembering something I thought she wouldn't. Some days she can still sew on a button and remembers what she had for lunch. I feel like her disease progression has been more about delusions, agitation and paranoia. With that said, I think she would comprehend it if we told her he passed - not sure she'd have much empathy. It's the aftermath we are concerned with. We would need to tell her a fiblet that the services will be held at a time TBD. Not sure if she would remember that or if she would forget about it. If she did remember she would talk about wanting to go to the services just to leave the facility. Then she would ask to go "shopping" afterwards. We would be crossing our fingers that she would go back when the day is done. She has a history of resisting. I feel like getting some guidance from the charge nurse and psychiatrist was important because they see her in a clinical sense instead of being emotional. We'll see. Her twin sister said she feels the same way we do. Thank you for your input!