My dad who cares for my mom at home wants to move into Memory Care with her- not sure about this

LCS

My dad who cares for my mom at home wants to move into Memory Care with her. Dad is 88 years and my mom is 87. He has been caring for her at home and in the past 9 months she's declined quickly. We have hospice now, bath aide 2x a week and he needs help all the time, especially with her "sundowning' daily and with toileting and mobility. We started looking at memory care facilities. Now, he is saying he wants to move with her. I'm worried that he will continue to care for her and be paying more than $11K out of pocket per month. Also, I'm not sure this is healthy for him or her. My mom is now more anxious around him as he is constantly watching her and following her around out of fear she might fall. She is verbal but not able to put words together and her non-verbals tells me that she resents him. He's convinced she's better off if he moves in with her and the co-dependence has become so exacerbated that he is not able to see the value of her getting better and 24/7 care without him there.

I appreciate any insights for those of you who have had a similar situation and/or lessons learned either way. Suggestions? THANK YOU!

SusanB-dil

This is just opinion, not same circumstance, but no… I don't see where that would be a good thing. From the way you've worded it, sounds like you don't think it is a good idea nor a wise choice, either.

I would think it would be a better fit if mom was placed and dad would visit enough. Placing a LO is NOT abandonment. You are still their advocate, but without the 24/7 care that becomes necessary.

H1235

I wonder if you could find a facility that offered mc and Al in different wings. At 88, even without dementia himself or the need to be a caregiver, keeping up a house or apartment will be a lot of work for him. If the two areas of the facility had some kind of restrictions that would prevent him from being there too much (maybe this could be arranged with the facility) it might work. I know this is probably not what he wants, but maybe it’s a compromise. Sometimes we manage to get through some very difficult times (because we have to), but once it’s over everything comes crashing down. How do you think he will do home alone? Is he still driving? How will this factor in to things. If he is driving, you may find he is just there 12 hour a day anyway. If he’s not driving and depends on family to bring him, he is probably not going to be happy with limited visits. If he is devoted to her enough to want to move to mc then how will he do at home without her? Will he fall into a depression? It’s a tough decision!

ARIL

The AL/MC option might be a good compromise. Living nearby, even in the same building, but not in the same room?

Plus, it is my understanding that for a person to be placed in MC requires a medical assessment that the person needs that level of care. I don’t think you can just unilaterally decide to move into MC.

I regularly see a married couple at my dad’s MC: the husband is in residence, and the wife comes and visits all day, every day. She does a lot of the caretaking. Their daughter is worried about her mother’s health and encourages her mom to take some breaks and not go every day. So does the facility director. But even in this scenario, the wife still goes home every night. And she is younger than 88.

DotBern

Hello,

My mom is in a memory care facility and I witnessed an elderly married couple move in because the wife was wheelchair bound and had dementia and the husband was cognitively doing well and physically doing OK. He insisted on moving in with her. There were two twin beds in their room and they shared the bathroom. It seemed to work well for them. Other family members would take their dad out for lunch occasionally and visit often, playing chess or cards with the dad. The aides tended to the wife for toileting and helping with feeding. It was so sweet to watch the husband stay with his wife. I could tell the wife loved having her husband there and would be distraught when the husband was out for a bit. All in all, it seemed to work for them. The wife recently passed and the daughter brought the dad home to live with her as he was doing ok, cognitively but with advanced aging (87) needed some help with meal prep and laundry etc.

I would think a couple that has been together for 60+ years, it's hard for one spouse to abandon the other even if it makes perfect sense. The sense of togetherness is hard to break regardless of the circumstances.