In-home healthcare advice for spouse

dbarrylewis

My father placed my mother in a memory care facility after her delusions became so extreme, and the agitation and physical aggression toward my father became a worry. We encouraged this out of fear for them both and the toll it was taking on my fathers health.

It seemed our only option. Since then I’ve read so much more about aging in place programs and medicines that may be able to address the delusions and aggression. I’m on this forum to understand, from a spouses perspective, if anyone has had experience with the programs (eg PACE) or with medications to make staying at home possible. And if it truly reduced their caregiving exhaustion and helped them remain healthy.

Thank you!

blacksparky

I just placed my DW into MC less than a week ago. My first visit is on Wednesday. I’m hoping it goes good. I call everyday and talk to the staff and they say she is doing great and a sweetheart. My D W is in stage 6 now. I had home caregivers coming to the house a couple times a week to sit with her while I got things done. They were more like a baby sitter than a trained dementia caregiver. If I were to have trained caregivers all day the cost would be astronomical. I did get my DW on Medi-Cal here in California and through them she got on the PACE program. They covered all care duties for her. When I was ready to place my DW into MC, they gave me a few approved facilities to go check out. I liked one and made the decision to place her. pACE will still cover all her care needs and I am responsible for room and board which is saving me thousands each month. Please DM me if you want more information.

Maru

If you want to try aging your mother in place, ask her doctor to put on meds to control her agitation. That may or may not control her aggression toward your father. If it does, then a trial return to home might be alright. But, your father's safety is the most important thing here. There is no guarantee that that will stop.

Sorry that you find yourself in this place.

kath1054

I was my DH caregiver for 6 years, the latter 2 years I had a private nurse 3 days a week. I planned on keeping him home forever. His agitation progressed while on Aricept only. Then, we used Depakote as a mood stabilizer. When agitation became aggression, we added Seroquel. But, eventually, the aggression spiked through that too. The emotional toll of watching his deterioration and struggle was 24/7, even with the private nurse coming. She preserved my sanity and was a Godsend. I moved DH into memory care when safety was at risk for him and for me. Please prioritize your Dad’s emotional and physical safety first. The stress is heavy, it is 24/7 and can wreak havoc on his health.

RazorCarrie

I get how exhausting this decision is. PACE can cover a lot of home care, but it doesn’t fix severe aggression overnight. Medications like Seroquel help, yet they’re not a guarantee

If your mom’s safety feels shaky, memory care is the right call

For your own back pain from all the lifting, I found real relief with Dr. Siddiqui Houston TX, who handled my nerve issue well. Prioritize your health too