I just need to vent

B Lynn

It’s been said that no good deed goes unpunished…how true this idiom is.

My husband had been wanting a dog since we lost our last one. I wasn’t sure we were ready but in a weaker moment I saw a dog on the county shelter site that looked like she would be perfect. She is 8 years old so no longer a puppy, was supposedly house & crate trained, & looked to be a good fit for seniors like us.

Well…we get her home. She’s not housebroken. She came in& wet & messed after we had been outside with her & walking her in the yard! She is not caressed either. I had to push her in the crate even with treats in there.

The next morning my husband was all ready to let her out. I said no, she is not Sally (our old dog) and just can’t be loose in the house. My husband’s response was “well who is she then?” You could have knocked me over with a feather! He had NO RECOLLECTION that THIS was a dog we adopted yesterday.

I have been trying to follow the regime for housebreaking an older dog. Part of that is keeping them on a leash or in the crate when they are in the house. I can’t get this to imprint on his brain either. He lets her go “while he’s doing things”. She proceeds to mess in the house, he comes & tells me. I tell him that’s what happens when you let her loose, only to be told by him she wasn’t loose! I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE but it seems HE’S INCAPABLE OF FOLLOWING THROUGH! HE CONFABULATES (LIES) about the situation. I have made arrangements to return her to the shelter next week. She is too much for me alone to care for. She is very strong & yesterday she pulled me down when she jolted after a rabbit. I was injured. I have a horrible bruise on my wrist no doubt contributed to by a cut her nails left on my hand. The bleeding under my skin following my fall is now a giant bruise from my finger and up to my wrist. I also bruised my ribs.

He thinks he is perfectly capable of caring this dog which he has demonstrated he isn’t. I sent him the written instructions to the house breaking protocol. I’m pretty sure he has not even looked at them. He has managed to misplace a toy I ordered for her. He opened the Chewy box & took everything out. The last I knew the toy was on the cupboard where he unpacked the box. I went looking for it today. Well, it’s not on the cupboard. He does not know where it is at. He knows nothing about it! I told him the dog was going back next week. He is fighting me. I reminded hitgat last night he said the dog has to go. So many things he should know he doesn’t. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS! I WANT TO RUN AWAY AND NEVER BE FOUND! Thanks for listening.

dcare45

Hi Lynn

Sorry you have to be going through this. I can totally relate to and understand your frustration. Venting is a good thing.
My DW has always had cats which I never really cared for. Now I’m taking care of 2 inside and 3 outside.
I learned to hide things I want to find later before they disappear. I didn’t know that early enough now jewelry, pictures, etc no where to be found. I set her up an area with her things in it so she can rearrange stuff that isn’t really important.
DW would also CONFABULATE stories. I think it was because she didn’t remember any details so she just filled them in randomly. Thankfully We are through that stage now and have other issues of course.
It is a struggle to say the least. I have to supervise almost everything. I always remind myself that it’s not her it’s the Dementia.

B Lynn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276908#Comment_276908

Thank you dcare45. I almost always swoop up everything I need to keep track before it can be moved…but a dog toy. Who would have thought I would have to take possession of that so it wouldn’t disappear. It just really bugs me that he won’t take accountability or accept responsibility.

Being a dog, not a cat person, I’m sorry you now have the responsibility of being the chief cat keeper. As a dog person, I feel really bad about failing this one. I always disliked people who do what I have to do, return a dog because the adoption didn’t work out. Between my health problems,& my husband’s inability to follow a plan I see no other choice. It’s upsetting on a number of levels. I’m sorry to hear your DW has moved to a more advanced stage. Please take care!

psg712

I wouldn't wait until next week to get her back to the shelter. Call Animal Control if you need help to get her out now. She has already caused you an injury... the next one could send you to the hospital. What would your DH do in that situation? Could he call medics if you were on the floor? Could he care for himself if you were in hospital for several days? Dogs are great, but not in your situation. I'm sorry.

B Lynn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276914#Comment_276914

Thank you psg712 for your response. I have contacted animal control & it was they who said next Tuesday. This is just such a battle. Just now my husband returned with her from a walk. He came up in the bedroom where I am to give me something. I said where’s the dog. He said downstairs. I have told him SO many times she cannot be left alone & off her leash in the house. It’s not part of her training program. He just doesn’t get this! When I tell him I sent him the information he says, “I’m not on my phone all the time like you are”, again showing he’s apparently incapable of checking e-mail & messages at least daily. He’s as much of a problem as the dog. I have figured out how to keep her until Tuesday & keep myself safe at the same time. My husband is going to give me lots of pushback. In his mind he can take care of the dog. Yea sure, until she wetsuit messes in the house because he won’t follow the house breaking plan. There is just no reasoning with him. It’s really upsetting me.

dcare45

Don’t feel bad you have to take care of yourself and your DH first.

B Lynn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276918#Comment_276918

Thank you. My brain tells me that. My heart says if only he would follow through with the training plan we could probably do this. I have had to tell him 4 or 5 times today he has to keep her on a leash while she is in the house. I explain it. It doesn’t encode. I get the same 2 year old response, “why”. It’s clear it’s not workable. I would be taking more of a role but my BP is plummeting today when I stand up so I’m unfortunately pretty much relegated to bed for the time being. I really wish the Drs. had a better plan for controlling my BP so I could be more functional. It’s either too high or too low. Crazy. Crazy illness, crazy husband, crazy household.

Lethe

I’m sorry for you and the dog but you are doing the right thing for all of you. I do get your frustration as I was much like you. I broke my foot and ankle a month ago and have a big case and still can’t weight bear or drive and had to finally understand that my DH is incapable of following thru on any request or direction I made. Once I finally and truly understood it is his brain it helped my frustration. So I no longer ask him to do anything. Or if I need to make a request I know there is a very big chance he will be unable to follow my request. So for the first time since his diagnosis I am chill. It was that or make myself crazy with frustration which was not healthy for me (or him). So that is the silver lining to my broken ankle and foot story.

tonyac2

@B Lynn
“There is just no reasoning with him. It’s really upsetting me”

Bingo! You just nailed it. Once you get this down, life will get a tiny bit easier to manage. Once the realization sets in that he can no longer participate in the relationship like he did before, you’ll find compassion for the man that you love who is struggling inside of a brain that he is no longer in control of. This is something I WISH I had learned way earlier in our journey. “You can’t reason with someone who’s reasoner is broken.” I read those words many times on this site and then it finally clicked — I’m looking at my husband as if he’s still the same person when in reality dementia was calling the shots and changing the rules moment by moment. I almost lost my breath trying to keep up with it. But then I started to realize all of the fear and anxiety that my husband must’ve been experiencing, and compassion became the bridge that filled the gap between who he was, and what dementia was changing him into.

“I have had to tell him 4 or 5 times today he has to keep her on a leash while she is in the house. I explain it. It doesn’t encode. I get the same 2 year old response, “why”.

It isn’t that he doesn’t encode, it’s that he can’t encode. Dementia is rewiring his brain in ways that we do not understand, he doesn’t even understand it.

When I began to stop expecting things out of my husband that dementia couldn’t deliver — it freed both of us.

Please keep coming back @B Lynn , keep bringing your frustrations, the funny things that will come up. Please keep bringing them here because the people here will help you with the loop in your brain that wants to fix what dementia is breaking. It’s very difficult to watch the destruction and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You can only help your loved one feel safe and loved. I know there’s many more things that you can do but in my experience, the two most needed and I felt my husband was asking for were safety and love.
Be gentle with yourself.

ogicare

In your case you are totally correct in returning the pet to a shelter. Also until that time the only way to feel in control is to keep the pet in the crate and then breathe. It's best for you and the pet, don't feel bad. My DW has mod Alz dementia and we have a 2 yo puppy, I can relate, fortunately I have quite a bit of experience with dogs, but it takes a lot of training to get them to be part of the family.

trottingalong

you are doing the right thing returning the dog, both for yourself and the dog.

Victoriaredux

@blynn

I'm sorry you got hurt . Please read and take tonyac2 post to heart.

You are expecting your husband to understand and be capable of learning and retaining information. Due to the disease's impact on his brain He. just. can't. Not won't. Not being stubborn. His brain is damaged and decaying in a pattern unique to him.

Some days he may be able to do something important like lock the door or find his way home. The next day he may not. You can't depend on him anymore. Remember Charlie Brown's teacher " wah wah wah " sadly that's how we sound a lot of the time to our LO when we try to set up behavioral rules or give instructions.

It makes it painful and lonely for you. But if you fight against it you will grind yourself down to pieces and possibly get him agitated.

I hope you heal quickly.

If the shelter made the promises of house and crate trained in writing and you have medical bills you may want to talk to a lawyer . I hope you got the skin break looked at and was checked if you need any shots or anti-bios. Nails can have stuff under them. A bad placement is tough on the humans and pet.

this may help:

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/295/anosognosia