Sibling Disagreements

ahabs

So after my mom's meltdown against having a caregiver on Sundays, she told my sister she wanted to go live in a home for seniors in Orlando. My sister is now insisting I send her to a home instead of keeping her at home with me. Have any of you had siblings that thought they knew what was best of your parent? How do you deal with this? She's convincing my mom to move to a home.

H1235

My mom lived with my brother for about a year. He was absolutely clueless on her care needs. He let her do whatever she wanted, which put her in dangerous situations. As her DPOA, she blamed me for everything and told me it would be her worst nightmare to have to live with me. Medication has helped some, but she is still not very happy with me. Moving her in with me would have made everyone miserable. I insisted mom move to a facility. My brother was not happy (neither was mom, but she thought she would be fine to live alone in her home), but I have the DPOA. I think we assume living with family is always best, but sometimes family as a caregiver just doesn’t work. The person with dementia doesn’t respond/cooperate the same for family as they do for strangers. I don’t know your situation and I am definitely not implying you are the incompetent caregiver my brother was. Im just trying to give you a different perspective. I always thought that Al gave mom more independence than living in my brothers house. She had her own little apartment, her pictures on the walls, she made friends and enjoyed some of the activities. It also took some of the pressure off me. Since my brother let her do whatever she wanted it was usually me speaking up and telling him and mom a situation was dangerous. I guess I’m just saying there are some positives to Al. Ultimately the the decision is made by the DPOA, but I understand that it’s not as simple as that. It has been very hard for me to accept that I have no control over what my brother tells mom. He has caused her so much stress. But I can’t really think of anything that can be done about it. Dementia is bad enough as it is, but having a sibling with a totally different point of view makes it so much worse.

SusanB-dil

Not a sibling, but MIL's niece. Before we knew she was stealing from her, she was letting her do whatever. When we found out about a few things, we told her to never come back. I realize it is different with a sibling, but in our case, or any case, the POA had to step up and take over, even when difficult. For PWD safety.

It would help if you have other family who knows that your mom cannot be left on her own to do 'whatever'. Are there others who would have your back? family or friends? that really helps a lot.

April23

I could write a dissertation on sibling disagreements but instead I’ll just say that if you are the DPOA then your mom’s care is your decision. Keeping her at home may become more difficult as the disease progresses but you’ll make that decision if the time comes.

As to how you deal, I would try and make your sibling feel heard but state your reasoning using facts and try to keep emotion out if it. “I know mom says she wants to go to a home but unfortunately she’s not capable of making those decisions anymore. It’s best that she stays with me for A, B, and C reasons.”

Outside counsel is worth listening to. Sometimes when we are in the thick of caregiving, it can be helpful to hear a fresh perspective and others may see what we don’t. But you take those opinions and filter them through the lens of doing what you think is best for mom. A sibling wanting mom to be happy is a nice thought but not something that can always be accomplished. Someone who is uneducated with the disease may not understand that.