Anger/Suspicion/Halucinations/Paranoia

ray46

My DW has recently (6 mos) been diagnosed with ES Alzheimers. She has been tested for LBD, PDD and had all the psychological testing. This included the blood tests and MRI. The result was Alzheimers Dementia with some underlying psychological issues. She is on Donepezil at a low dose.

We have been married for 59 years , so we know each other quite well. Thruout the marriage we had periods of unrest ,like all marriages. The main problems were my DW's issues with me.There were Instances where she didn't trust me. Or believed things that were not true. I gave no reasons for these issues to pop up and threaten our marriage.

We always worked through the rough time. I understood that many of her concerns were based on abandonment events in her younger years. Adoption, loss of 2 fathers had devestated her as a child. She kept her emotions hidden for the most part.

Recently these emotions have come back on a more regular basis. The abandonment, suspicion,trust and paranoia lead to me defending myself on all fronts. The emotional cost is rising and I am at a loss at how to handle the confrontations. Silence doesn't work since my DW then accuses me of punishing her with silence. The tension is unbearable, to the point where I am believing that I can't deal with it anymore. I am not perfect and have many faults. When confronted with reality ( that I am "being too loud", "not using softer language","repeating myself", "giving too many instructions"), I honestly make an effort to change my behavior. But when I'm confronted with statements like ( "you don't care about me", "you dont love me", "you want to leave me", "I know you are talking about me to someone", and on and on), it is impossible to defend myself from my DW's immagination and it crushes me that she feels that way about me.

In many ways it's like dealing with an alcoholic who says and does things the night before , and the next morning the alcoholic goes on as if nothing happened. Meanwhile the other person relives the event to exhaustion.

This is where I am and I don't know what to do. If I abandon her it will break my heart. If I stay it will break my will to live. Is there light somewhere in this tunnel of Alzheimers?

terei

I think you must consider placing her in a facility, if only just to see whether YOU are the trigger for her paranoia and suspicion. If that is the case, there is literally nothing you will be able to do to calm her. Have you tried medications that may help? You may find meds that could help andor if you are away from her completely, you will be able to see whether she does better just having others around her, instead of you. This is probably not what you want to here, but it just be that you both do better being apart much of the time.