Mom going through a "sweet spot" phase?

pjasso

My heart breaks every time I read many of these posts. I am grateful to be a part of this group, it really helps me too, but it is heartbreaking and also scary wondering what is in store for me and my mom down the road.

My mom, (age 91, mild-mod ALZ, living in AL, not MC) has had her difficulties and I've learned so many strategies from this group and my relationship seems to be so much better with her, since I've employed the practice of setting up boundaries for me (for my sanity and strength), but also employing the strategy of "always lead with "yes", or "I agree", or "I understand", or "that sounds frustrating", or "I can help with that", or "I'm handling it" etc.- the change in my words and attitude has made a great difference. Thank you!

But here is the question. She has been going through a very pleasant "sweet spot". She seems content and pleasant in her AL and when we visit. She doesn't seem as frustrated with everything and doesn't amp up like she used to. My husband and I have both noticed this, and it is so nice (even though her memory is still bad and her thinking can get confused and she seems so child-like . . . . Has anyone experienced this "sweet spot" and how long has it lasted, can I even hope it will last a long time? or is this the "calm before the storm"?

psg712

I think it varies a lot from person to person. My mom was a smart, feisty, always ready with an argument kind of person in her younger years. She struggled mightily as dementia came on (though she covered it well for a long time) and was belligerent in her confusion, often angry with me as i interfered with her autonomy for her own safety (think driving, managing money). As dementia progressed, though, she mellowed. I expected nothing but fights when I moved her into AL. To my surprise, relief and sadness, she seemed to "stand down" once she was finally in a safer, less complicated environment. From that point, she was sweet and compliant. The only altercations occurred when she was genuinely ill. I hope that your mom feels safe and loved and you have good moments together.

ARIL

This is an interesting question. I agree that it is highly individual. With dementia my take-charge dad became compliant, to the point of sometimes trusting people unworthy of his trust. Now in the later mid-stages, he is more anxious but has yet to be belligerent with me. He has had some episodes of aggression and anger with others, but only when he was ill. I think it is possible we might go right to the end this way.

What you say about learning the “yes, and” responses resonates with me. I too have learned those skills, and I am grateful for it. Lately I am also finding that praise goes a long way. Today I was helping him shave. I said, “You and I are really good at this!” He was pleased. “We always have been,” he said.

H1235

My moms mood seem to ebb and flow. I find it’s usually weeks between her outbursts. Even when things are good, I get little glimpses of her discontent. I would never describe her as sweet. I wonder if there is something that is setting her off that I’m not aware of or if thats just the way it goes. It seems that just when I think things are going good and I start to let my guard down a bit she gets all fired up about something. It’s a roller coaster. But I really think every person with dementia is different. I find it mentally very difficult flopping back and forth. The unknown part of this is so frustrating. I hope her good mood holds🤞.

pjasso

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/279053#Comment_279053

So true! She loves it when I praise her, like if there is a problem to solve and I'm pondering it and she has a suggestion- even if it is not perfect, if I say, "You are so smart, THAT is a great idea!" I need to remember to find lots of reason to praise and give her credit for. She also loves humor and I'd never have called her funny or humorous before, but now, if I can make a joke about something and get silly with her, she really responds well.

pjasso

EXACTLY! After I posted tonight, I shared it with my husband and said, when she is on a good roll, I let my guard down, get my hopes up and relax, then boom! an unexpected outburst can blindside me and catch me unaware— knocks me down. This "sweet spot" she seems to be in though, seems different somehow and I'm kind of getting my hopes up, so if she does have a set back, I don't want it to blindside me

pjasso

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/279049#Comment_279049

Thanks for sharing- I think that calming down is her feeling safe, and in a simpler, less confusing environment. It is very sad, but I'm glad she is safe. My mom surprises me often with notes, even snail mail (and I'm 1/2 mile away) saying how much she appreciates me, which is so nice when she can be so fiesty and difficult.

pjasso

Sweet, and Yes, saying yes, or I will, or I'm on it, or I agree, whether or not I do or not- makes a huge difference and she remains calm and satisfied, then forgets and asks again, and on it goes

pjasso

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to "letting my guard down", Just when I think things are better or even improved- BAM, we are back to square one. I have to work at not getting my hopes up.