How to help MIL who has moved into memory but doesn't want to be there

annettecapp

First time posting . . . interested in advice on how to handle a situation with my MIL who is 85 and has early to mid-stage dementia. She moved into personal care/assisted living about 2 months ago and never quite adjusted to that before she started to wonder (about 2 weeks ago) into dangerous situations which caused the staff to determine that she needed to move to the memory care unit. She is having a really hard time and continues to say that she doesn't want to be there and that we need to take her home. She says that if we can't take her home, she'll just pray to God to take her so that when she is dead, we won't have to worry about her anymore. Sometimes she uses the "praying to die idea" to be hurtful because we are the ones who put her there and sometimes, she truly believes that would be the best solution. It breaks my heart to see her going through this and I would like to get opinions on the best way to help her adjust to this new situation. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

shelli

This is my first post. Just joined today. I can relate to you 💯. I just moved back home to live with & help my mom. She fell broke her femur has vascular dementia & spent last 3 months in skilled nursing care.she has been home 2 weeks. I stayed in the nursing home and advocated for her too. She says the same thing to me. "She should just die" "wants to just goto heaven" I don't know how long I can do this. I put my career on hold & am trying to do my best to give her what she needs. It's taxing and I feel like a failure.

dbarrylewis

I have experience with this when my grandmother went through it 29 years ago and now, sadly, with my mother.

Twenty-nine years ago my grandmother (84) continued to say this and she refused to eat or even try to get out of bed once she was placed into an assisted living environment. This was so unlike her. I was 30 then with a new baby and watched my mother try and help her. My siblings and I would visit and try to keep her engaged but she just wanted to pass and even our visits didn't help. She became frail, caught pneumonia, and passed within the same year she moved in.

Now, my mother (84) is the one in the situation. She has Alzheimer's but still knows us and can clearly tell us she shouldn't be there and wants to go home with my father (86). She was doing terrible at home though with delusions through the nights that made her frantic and wandering. Sometimes her delusions "through the night" would begin in the early afternoon. We moved her into MC out of fear for her safety and that of my father's. He no longer slept at night due to the delusions, and was also the one trying to handle her agitation and aggression. Once in MC she began to slip into the same mode as my grandmother, isolating and not eating and saying the same things about simply wanting to die. It's been a very difficult few months!

I can say, things are somewhat better now. We worked with the doctor to put her on an antidepressant that also has an appetite stimulant (mirtazapine). This does appear to have made a difference. While she skips some meals, she is eating most others and it's been some weeks since she mentioned wanting to die. There are so many theories on frequency of visits, but we visit her often (six out of seven days) and tend to stay long enough to engage in activities with her or make facetime calls to family. I don't know how much the visits are contributing but simply want to pass along what we're doing.

I'm almost reluctant to send this since things can change so quickly with this disease. But highly recommend working with the doctor and advocating for something that may help with the depression. Make sure you have a good doctor that really understands Alzheimer's. I can't stress this enough. Most primary care physicians don't have this experience and many neurologist focus on the brain health and are less helpful at treating the behaviors/symptoms of the disease. Once again, this is only our experience.

SusanB-dil

Hi @annettecapp and to @shelli - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Both your moms may need a med adjustment for depression. It did help my MIL. Also something for the agitation, perhaps. Do check with their doctor. If you have a neurologist on your team that is familiar with dementia, that is a huge help.

Meanwhile - you can also tell her that this is where her doctor needs her 'for now'. Depending on your mom and your situation, you could tell her she is there while the house is being worked on - due to a watermain break in the street, or an electrical issue - whatever works.

caregiving daughter

Ask a friend, who your mom does not know, to go visit her. Get an objective picture of how your mom acts when you are not there. My mom was very unkind to me after her move to memory care. Others felt she was a delight and a cooperative resident.