Not showering vent and feeling very guilty

SBGal

Sunday is going to Church day for my Mother-in-Law which became my responsibility since my husband has a standing group bike ride. She has progressively not been showering. Her last shower was 1 week ago before church (I was able to convince her that day). Today I couldn't. She smells of urine and also had bowel incontinence this week that we discovered after the fact. I am sure she didn't clean up well. This morning I told her there were consequences to not showering and I wasn't taking her to church. I told her she smells of urine. (I know I shouldn't do that). She yelled 'I don't smell! I take a shower when you're not here!" No she doesn't - I do the laundry and there are no bath towels or washcloths. She said she'll walk or get a neighbor to give her a ride. I left her home - we live 3 houses away. I am furious and feeling really guilty all at the same time. I texted my husband and he can view the surveillance cameras and she did indeed leave the house. What did I do?

SBGal

Well, I guess she asked our friend to take her! At least she's safe.

etjames

The resistance against basic hygiene can be so infuriating. It’s ok to be mad and lose your patience. Would your husband and you be open to having a caregiver come in to encourage her to shower and assist her, even if not on Sunday morning?

dbarrylewis

My mother is in an MC now and has a shower regularly. This part has been a huge relief and I love seeing her so clean. Before we moved her in this was a huge problem for us as well. In hindsight I wished we had a caregiver come in twice a week to help with this before MC. We were all in denial about how bad things were and too passive. This is something I regret.

Perhaps you can think of a reason to convince her (eg the doctor noticed a you have a skin condition on your back and is sending a nurse apply medicine after a shower). I’m still new to fiblets and whether that works depends on the stage she’s in. But there are nurses/caregivers trained in this and I would recommend reaching out. I know you’ve already considered this but the lack of shower can lead to UTI’s and other infections. This can make the situation significantly worse.

I remember reading water pressure can make a huge difference. A caregiver with experience would be able to spot this and adjust accordingly.

Best of luck! ❤️

kfHunt

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My LO had the same issue. We put his clothes in the bathroom and a sign on his bedroom closet. The sign said “STOP, your clothes are in the bathroom, GO TAKE A SHOWER”. That is working for now.

dcare45

We used to struggle on shower days also. I now use a handheld shower head, so the water is not coming down on top of DW or hitting her in the face. I let it hang down until We need to wet or rinse. We also set up a space heater to pre heat the bathroom. Both of these have made it easier to get a shower in. DW still does not enjoy the showers however will now kind of participate.

MissOldMom

I have had similar luck as dcare in the prior comment. We got one of those hand held attachments for the shower head because the first time Mom got into the shower and she was still able to not need a shower chair, she washed her hair and the water kind of freaked her out coming from above her. Fast forward to last summer when she fell and fractured her hip in 3 places, and she’s used a shower chair since. Thus the reason for the handheld attachment. She showers every other day (we have to remind her to do it, she doesn’t LIKE to do it, but we are still in a stage where she will cooperate about it). I dread the day she refuses to shower, and I am so sorry that you’re already going through that yourself.

One thing I learned and read about is, not only might it be the shower water pressure, but it’s also just hard for them sometimes to stand that long in an enclosed space or that it’s that they can’t even smell themselves due to their senses beginning to fade.

In addition, sometimes they tell us that they’ve done this or that (I shower when you’re not here!) because they truly believe they did. My mom has told us some doozies like when she and my dad were in NYC on 9/11 and were inside the tower but got out in time and then…get this…went back inside AFTER one of them fell and saved people. Now…she wasn’t anywhere near NYC on the at day. Neither was my dad. But my dad was a Red Cross volunteer that went up there in December/January after it happened to do intakes and my mom heard the stories he told. And then she’s seen multiple documentaries of course. So she took bits and pieces of 9/11 from tv and what my dad had told her and then sort of mixed things together to create what was “reality” to her. Luckily that didn’t hurt anyone and we said “wow that must have been something!” But of course the it’s not the same as someone not showering and thinking they did. I guess the point is that their reality is that they believe they did shower/save people on 9/11 or just ran a 10K in 5 mins flat when they were 21. Frustrating when it DOES affect others and in this instance it definitely does.

If you can get a shower chair and attachment, maybe it’s worth a try.

Best to you and yours.

lisn2cats

I've given up on forcing showers on my 92-yo mom. After lengthy conversations with her caregivers, they know she is sponge-bathing but - for some reason - is afraid of the shower. She doesn't want to use it alone; she doesn't want people in the shower; and, recently, she won't shower even if it's me sitting right outside the door (she was ok with that before). So I leave her to her sponge-bathing and also provide lots and lots and lots of adult wash wipes.

I can't believe it's now part of my visiting routine to do a sniff test. But she's always smelling fresh, teeth brushed, hair combed and figure, at this point, if she's washing her privates and has no signs of infections, etc. then I won't fight her and wait for cues from staff.

Sometimes it's like one hurdle is overcome only to be replaced with another. Still, I guess I'm glad she's feisty enough to fight me (?).

Sissy1

I am relieved to see this is common. My mom always has an excuse as to why she doesn't want to shower. She currently lives with my husband and I. We have a large walk-in shower in our master bath. It has an overhead and a handheld. She also has a shower chair. Everything is super easy for her to reach. I am always in earshot and check on her frequently, help her in & out, dry her back. Give her balance reassurance, etc. But she still gets nervous. She does sponge bathe daily, so that helps, but I do occasionally have to tell her she is stinky and insist she showers. I'm grateful to read everyone's posts on this issue. Helps me feel less of a failure. Thank you all for sharing!