Looking for resources

Jholden

I am grateful for finding this site and group. My 92 year old mother has dementia, she is living independently in a lovely retirement community. She is no longer driving and I help her with errands and I take her to church every week. I am hoping to get recommendations for books, podcasts, useful sites... etc on how the best way to approach topics, ideas on the best way to communicate etc. I feel like I should start paying her bills for her and she is unwilling to let that task go. I do have POA and it would honestly be easier for me to do this than to try to second guess what she has done each month. Thank you in advance.

Damiross

Set up the bills so that they are automatically paid each month. You will know that they are paid and it's one less thing you have to worry about.

H1235

I was very lucky that mom asked for help in the beginning. From there I just slowly took over. When it got to the point that bills would come and she would then forget to give them to me (or lose them), I changed the mailing address for all bills to my house. I’m not sure she was aware. She continued to get junk mail and that allowed her to feel involved. If bills stopped coming in the mail would she notice? What if you changed them slowly one at a time. We want so much to avoid upsetting our loved one, but sometimes there is just no way to avoid it.

Robert1320

Your local Council on Aging is a free, independent source for information. They know what local aging resources are available.

Importantly, they are aware of your state's laws.

See ncoa.org for more information.

Best wishes

dancsfo

re: books, podcasts, useful sites

I would search within this forum for any topic, and there's a good chance you'll see a post about it. There are popular books such as the "36 hour day", but if you perform a targeted search, you may find a good book (or podcast, etc.) that is most appropriate for you. Also, we try to steer people away from "miracle cures", or some technology gadget that may give you a false sense of security. Much of this depends on a PWD's stage, so stating that would help. It appears that your mother is in early stages, but getting an proper assessment would be a good start, so you know how to approach this,

SusanB-dil

Agree on the book 'The 36-Hour Day'. Just utilize the chapters that apply at this time. Also Teepa Snow and Tam Cummings videos.

Also agree - get what bills you can on auto-pay and if possible, change the address to yours. Do not second-guess if electric and other utilities have been paid or not… Or have been paid twice, or that she is not paying any scammers.

There is a list of 'helpful books' in this discussion section. You could punch it into the search.

She is blessed to have you watching out for her. It is a lot.

H1235

Here are a bunch of links that may be helpful.

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

DBAT.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/consumer-tools/managing-someone-elses-money/

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

https://caregivingkinetics.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/CGK_2303_02_Caregiver-Mindset-OneSheeter.pdf

Jholden

THANK you, all. I appreciate your help and experience.

harshedbuzz

@Jholden

Auto-pay all the way!

The 36-Hour Day addresses this phase where a PWD can no longer reliably manage IADLs, the things we learn as young adults, like money management and driving but can't recognize it.

Some strategies:
Talk about the risks of identity theft and losses associated with "check-washing" and paying bills by mail with a check. This is especially risky with senior housing of all kinds.

If you can't dissuade her from writing checks, insist on you dropping them at the post office "to be safe". Use her check and account information to set up the auto-pay. The paper billing is likely a trigger; turning it off may help dial back the urgency around this.

It's great of you can forward all her mail to you as it allows you to get rid of charitable organization solicitations. Senior communities are heavily targeted by legitimate and sketchy appeals for funds.

If you feel you must discuss this, which I don't recommend, pose as a chance for you to understand your role as POA if she were to get sick in the future and need you to make sure her bills were paid/protect her credit rating.

HTH-HB

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76790/looking-for-resources

There are a number of excellent Youtube videos on how to communicate with a POD. My favorites are Tam Cummings, Teepa Snow and Natalie Edwards. I assume that you have DPOA and MPOA.

ARIL

So, I had a bunch of ideas, but then I kept reading and found that my thoughts were covered by others! 😁 This is a super-helpful group.

I have found the Careblazers videos on YouTube to be useful, short, and practical.

And your Area Agency on Aging can help navigate the local situation. Every state has them. Just search for that term and your state name.

mkschwerha

Give Zinnia a look. It helped immensely with my LO:

https://www.zinniatv.com/

Daisy4U

https://cosyseniorstories.com/ and https://cosyseniorstories.com/book-collection has a good collection of dementia-friendly books. My mother loved to read them and her caregiver (PSW) loved reading the books to her. It was good to see them chuckling over the reading material!😊

You may also want to look at the "The Caregiving Script" by Rutha Powers https://cosyseniorstories.com/the-sandwich-generation . It provides a word-for-word response framework for the most challenging caregiving conversations like driving, managing money, medications, transitioning to assisted Living, sibling conflict, and more.