Moving my mom in

Bflofangrl

My mom was starting to show signs of Alzheimer’s but she refused to admit it. I was doing all the work when she needed help or forgot things and finally had to step back for a few months so my brothers would step up. Now they see how bad it is and after a 2 am phone call they see she should not be living alone. The only problem is me and my fiancé are the only ones with a home that can accommodate her. So here I am again taking on the primary caregiver role, again. I broke the news to each of our teenage children because we are a blended family but I am worried about how it is all going to work. Her dog hates mine and I don’t think it’s fair to crate mine as a result. I love my mom and would do anything for her but my whole life is being flipped upside down. My brothers said we should do this for her because of all she has done for us but I’m the one who has to adapt my life not them. I’m worried about how it is all going to work out. And how I will manage a stressful career, my mom, the kids and the pets.

H1235

Welcome. One of the most important things is to make sure legal matters are in order. Do you have a DPOA? If not, suggest to your mom this is just something she should do now that she is getting older. I would avoid bringing up her symptoms. If your brother has the DPOA, things will be difficult if she lives with you. Your brother has no right to say “we” should do this for mom, when you are the one what will be doing everything. This is a lot! I think there is this assumption that caring for a loved one in your home is always best. I could not disagree more. She will need 24/7 caregiving. Do you plan to work from home and care for her (this will not work)? In home aids may help, but they are expensive, not always reliable and may not be accepted by your mom. As the caregiver you often become the bad guy. It’s one thing to take care of a kind and loving parent, it’s a whole other story if this parent is angry, mad, defiant and argumentative. Dementia is like aging in reverse. There are those defiant teen years, all the way to the terrible two. The staging tool I attached actually gives age rough equivalence. A facility would allow you to be a loving child vs the caregiver. Al would also allow her to socialize and meet friends. Instead of growing closer to a loving grandmother your kids may become resentful (with good reason). The impact this will have on your kids should not be underestimated. People with dementia can lack a social filter and empathy. This is tough for anyone to deal with let alone kids. Your asking a lot of your fiancé! This could cause problems with even the most solid marriages. As far as her refusing to admit her symptoms, that’s pretty common. Most people with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It can be dangerous if they try to do things they are not capable of. If you try to stop them they often become angry (since they believe they are perfectly capable and you are treating them like a child). It creates a lot of tension. There is usually no amount of explaining (even written documents from the doctor) that will convince them. We have a saying here, never try to reason with a person with dementia. Don’t sacrifice everyone else’s happiness for your moms. To be honest happiness is often elusive for a person with dementia. My advice is to find a nice assisted living facility for her. Visit often and be her daughter, advocate and behind the sevens caregiver. Believe me there will still a lot of work to do with her in assisted living. I will add some links that may be helpful.

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

ajzjmsmom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/279720#Comment_279720

I always appreciate your responses and wish my SIL could read them. As usual spot on, in a world that thinks if we don’t take care of our parents that we don’t love them. I hate the comment “they are your parents and you owe them.”

April23

Knowing our own limitations and realizing we lack the skill and/or resources to best provide for our LO’s and instead finding a place where they can be well cared for and even thrive IS taking care of them.

No one should be pressured into providing 24/7 care, because that is what you are signing up for whether you realize it yet or not. This is your decision, not the siblings. If you feel equipped and ready to try, then that’s admirable but you should not be forced into doing so. You should also realize that as the disease progresses, in-home care will become harder and harder so you should still have a plan B ready.

Also as a practical matter, if you are not the medical and durable POA, providing in-home care will be further complicated as you will not have the ability to make the decisions that will inevitably come up and will need to be made quickly.

ARIL

Ditto to the other posts! Caring for a parent takes many forms. It is absolutely not required for you to upend the lives of your own blended family and pets in order to satisfy your brothers’ idea of “care.”

The whole “you owe them” thing really annoys me. My dad’s neighbor once told me I should quit my job and move my family across the country into my dad’s house to take care of him “because he doesn’t want to leave.” A friend’s mother told her she should divorce her husband and let her kids fend for themselves—so she could move in with the mom. Er, no.

SusanB-dil

Also in agreement - I sincerely hope you do not bring this onto yourself and your family.

Way too easy for brother, or anyone, to say 'here, you do it'. noooo. no. just. no.

caregiving daughter

I would get yourself out of the middle. Find someone to facilitate a family meeting. The facilitator will see that this should not fall onto one person. They can share the concern vs. you needing to be the person complaining (it's not complaining but others may see it that way). They can ensure there is equal input and shared contribution. You still may be the one on the ground as the primary; however, there are other ways siblings can contribute. For example, brother could commit to four weeks during the year where they can provide respite. I will share that my mom loved animals more than anything—I'm saying dogs, cats, birds, lambs and beyond! Strangely, follow disease progression, she totally lost interest. Maybe one of your sibs could take care of her dog. Please hang in there.

Saurus

I agree to all the comments as well. No option is easy in this process, but when your siblings force it upon you, it puts you in an even harder situation. My mom is still living on her own, but I am working on getting her into AL within a couple months. I also have "that brother" who lives far enough away to bear minimal responsibility or stress. He visits our mom for a weekend, does a couple small projects around the house, then disappears for a couple months. Whether you want to try and move your mother in, or not: stand your ground with your brothers. Even if they offer assistance (financially, or caring for her dog, for example), the emotional toll of caring for your mother during this progression is impossible to understand from the other side.

That said, as others mentioned: make sure the DPOA is taken care of asap. That will help immensely when dealing with medical, financial, and assisted living issues. Also, if you move her into your home - please look into respite care, to ensure you're taking care of yourself and your family.

Otherwise, hang in there. You've done well for your mom.

Victoriaredux

I notice you didn't mention your partner/spouse in the list of considerations . What do they think? That should be your number relationship to honor IMO versus your brothers or , with love for our fuzzy friends, the family dog.

Your kids will be moving out , [with luck, right :)], in a few years - you don't want them feeling ignored in these last days together . As you know having a dementia patient around isn't just carrying their laundry basket or making meal adjustments - it can take over the whole house with needs and restrictions 24/7. Curtail friends coming over and you never know if the PWD will go through a mean verbal stage .

If you and your partner can't see it working in your house - see an elder law atty to get the paperwork and discuss medicaid and other finances and figure out a family [you and siblings] way forward.

sandwichone123

I'm going to say you can love your parents and want the best for them, but your primary responsibility is to your children. Teens look more independent than they are, and they need time at home to be safe and peaceful. Often the person with dementia will become very abusive (usually verbally), and one of the kids is often their favorite target.

Remember that with dementia there is no "saving" them—it's a one-way street, but you do owe your children a firm, safe foundation to launch from.