Me blowing up

Morrisfire42

The issue I'm having is the anger toward my wife. She has early to early mid Frontal Temporal Dementia. She can still stay and do most daily things by herself, including meals, meds, toilet, etc, therefore I am in and out of the house most of the day. Problem is that she will ask me a question on how to do something, (usually within about 30 seconds of coming in the house), and when I tell her, she won't believe what I am saying. Also, when I am helping with, lets say, the cooking, she will be questioning why I'm using "that" pan or why am I putting the dish in the oven instead of the microwave? This is a constant issue with us, and I just blow up on her! I feel terrible and cannot seem to get over the anger. Any advice would be helpful. TIA

cavenson

All of us have heard the rules of engagement with someone who has AD. Don’t argue—you won’t win. Try not to correct her—because that often leads to an argument. And, don’ try to reason—her reasoner is broken. And, we’ve all broken those rules, gotten angry, and feel bad about it. For the minor issues—and many of them are really minor—just repeat DIRM (Does It Really Matter?). You usually can't change her behavior; so you have to change your reaction to her behavior. Yes, that’s easier said than done. Sometimes you just need a break. When possible, remove yourself temporarily from frustrating and irritating situations and do something relaxing for you until you feel calmer. Keep coming back to this site because the caregivers here understand and offer very good suggestions. Good luck!

H1235

If she is questioning you about how you’re doing something (implying you’re doing it wrong), it may be she is trying to exert some control. Her abilities are becoming more limited and the kitchen may be her chance to be in charge. Just an idea. I think in the mid stages the person with dementia can act so “normal” we tend to easily slip in to our old interactions with them. It’s hard to get use to always being wrong.

CathiCip

Certainly a break would help. But what I have been reflecting on is how often my anger is about the loss of the person that I miss.

dcare45

Welcome @Morrisfire42 and sorry you have a reason to be here. You're doing a good thing coming here early for information. From my experience there is no universal solution only trial and error, learn from it, and try again. DW and I went through similar situations in the early days. It was extremely frustrating and had me at wits end. The thing I wish I had realized earlier was as @cavenson stated, " You usually can't change her behavior; so you have to change your reaction to her behavior." YOU have to change your entire mind set to keep from losing your mind. You cannot beat dementia with logic or reason. You know you're going to get questions when you walk in the house so prepare yourself before you go in. Don't take anything she says personally, it's not her it's the disease, her reasoner is broken and will always be. Once I stopped trying to convince DW of right or wrong, how to do things, up or down, black or white it became marginally easier. You'll get a lot of good advice on this site about stepping away and taking a break. What helped me most was changing MY mind set. Accepting the inevitable of what is coming and knowing that none of my attempts to change it or rationalize it are going to change it. This is a brutal disease that has no pity or care of our emotions.

Coming to this site is a good first step. Come back often to get information, vent and let us know how you are doing. You are one of us now.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280544#Comment_280544

You’re so right about easily slipping in to our old interactions. When I think back to DH’s earlier stages, I think that’s exactly what was happening to me. I adjusted after a time as I learned more from books and everyone on this site. Keep coming back here @Morrisfire42 - this is the place to be!

Victoriaredux

It's not easy , the putting up the protective barrier of agree-soothe-agree . Not like running into an ex at a party and you just nod and get out of that cluster of folks with some mumbled words. You're staying but need to distant yourself from absorbing the words -they are from a struggling brain not accusations by an intact mind that is grading you.

While you are preparing food can you maybe ask her to fold laundry nearby- socks, small cloths-stuff that doesn't matter —any simple task —so she'll be distracted hopefully, maybe feel useful and you can cook and concentrate ? "You know what would help me- if you folded this laundry I never got to it , and I'll make you a special dinner …"

Hang in there. And welcome.

Maru

I've always had a quick temper and kind of a control freak, so dealing with DH with ALZ was difficult in the beginning. After losing my temper several times I began to just let things go. Sometimes DH will say something mean or hurtful and I just have to bite my tongue and turn away. I may even sulk for a day but I keep that tongue under control. If you cannot control your angry responses, ask your dr. for something mild for anxiety. Dementia is hard to deal with, but it is so important for the caretaker to be calm.

Dio

I don't have much to add since I wasn't very successful dealing with a similar situation. My DH would criticize everything I did when I was preparing breakfast/meals—you're going to break the coffee machine, you're doing this all wrong, why are you using up all the pots/pans there'll be nothing left…on and on—none of this is even logical and I blew up too. He had no response to my blowups, just this haunting empty stare. It lasted a few months but the roller coaster continued with other behavior challenges. Staying calm is the hardest to do. Accepting the situation was even more difficult.

Morrisfire42

I think the hardest thing for me is the fact that my DW was diagnosed in 2019, but things were pretty good until 2024. That's when I feel like I lost my wife. Early on we would still do things that we liked to do. In 2024 things really changed. I feel now like I am in mourning for the loss of my wife, and I cannot seem to get over the angry stage. I may actually still be in denial. If I really look deep inside, I am probably resentful of her not wanting to do the things we used to do, which I know is not her fault, it is mine, but is still is an issue. I do try to "take a breath" every time before I enter the house, but does not work a lot of times. Thank you all for the advice/concerns.

blacksparky

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280735#Comment_280735

For me, my DW was diagnosed in 2023 and was well into her journey. We did have one year were she was able to participate in our marriage and life. We tried to do as much as we could on our bucket list but then out of no where BAM she was a different person. I went another year of not understanding what had happened, getting upset because all of a sudden everything was on me, as she didn’t have the ability to help. She forgot my name, that we were married, birthdays etc. It really wasn’t until I crossed over from being her husband to now her caregiver that I finally had some insight into her journey. By this time she was in early stage 6. Last month I made the decision to place my DW into MC. I am now not being her main caregiver but back to husband advocating for her. I do believe that we as caregivers end up mourning twice, first as they leave us through this disease and later as they leave this earth.

Morrisfire42

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280741#Comment_280741

Thank you!

beachwalker5

Lotta good advice here. Expect to make mistakes, suffer hurt feelings, occasionally react/ snap-back/ loose temper, forget that it's the disease talking, not the actual person. I'm working thru this personal transition in my own behavior this year and am finding that (I think?) I'm getting better at this as the months go by. I noticed I'm not immediately and emotionally responding as much to my DW when says/ does weird things unless 1) it's a safety issue or 2) she's distraught and is in need of comforting/ reassurance/ love.
None of this is a problem we can solve, it's a situation we all are working hard at to cope with and manage. It sometimes helps me to think "how would I want her to behave for me if I was the one with AD?".

Chance Rider

I experienced a wide range of strong emotions when we received my husband’s diagnosis last August. He was mid stage 4 at the time, a solid stage 5 now.
I was angry, nervous, afraid, depressed and anxious most of the time. I tried walking out of the room, breathing exercises, physical activity, to help me manage my emotions.
I finally told my pcp that I needed help. I began taking a low dose SSRI which has helped tremendously. I know it’s not for everyone but in my case I’m a better caregiver and less angry.

Russinator

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280583#Comment_280583

It's my story also.