Inappropriate (and Rough!) Touching

FillyRider

As I have mentioned here before, I have a friend who has alz. We are both 70. I have known him for 60 years. He was my boyfriend many years ago, but is now most definitely just a friend. His sister pays me to take him swimming at the local pool twice per week. He and I walk there, and when it gets cold this winter I will drive us there. A few months ago, he moved to a retirement community that is only 1/2 mile from my home, so I have been visiting him quite frequently to provide companionship by joining him in the activities his retirement community provides. However, lately he has been grabbing me in bear hugs while saying suggestive things about my body, and won't let go even when I beg him to. I have to work hard to convince him to let go of me. The other day was the last straw, when his grip left a long, tender bruise on my forearm.

My plan going forward is to continue to take him swimming, but to greatly reduce any other time I spend with him. I also plan to start calling him from the apartment lobby (where there are always people around) to let him know I've arrived, rather than knocking on his apartment door (yesterday he grabbed my derriere when I was just outside of his apartment door). Ideally, there would be a third person who would go swimming with us to act as a "shield", but I don't know anyone who would be interested in that.

I guess what what I'm asking you all for is some moral support regarding this. Also, I would be so grateful for any tips or advice you have to offer. Thank you!

harshedbuzz

@FillyRider

You need to be honest about this with his sister. What's you're seeing is likely a combination of disinhibition, loss of social filter and, perhaps, hypersexuality. Medication could help.

The bigger picture here is that if he's in a 55+ Active Adult Community, he'll likely become a pariah and could have charges brought if he gropes someone else. If he's in a Continuing Care Community, AL or IL, he'll also become a pariah and potentially asked to leave. Finding another placement for a man with a history of inappropriate touching would be very difficult.

HB

Maru

I agree with @harshedbuzz that regardless of how you protect yourself, his behaviour is likely to spread to others, thereby becoming a real issue. Report him to his sister.

MN Chickadee

I agree with the previous comments. You would actually be doing him a favor by making sure his POA knows about this. Better it coming from an understanding friend like you rather than a random person at the retirement community or pool who may get very upset and make a lot of trouble for him. If he bruises a neighbor he may get kicked out of the complex. His sister or whoever holds POA needs to work with his doctor to address this before it gets out of hand. Hypersexuality is common with dementia, especially men. If you search some older threads here you will find many stories and questions. Usually families turn to medication for help in reducing it.