Coming to terms

Alex655321

I have a soon-to-be 87 year old mother who is clearly somewhere down the path of Alzheimer's. I could bang out 30-40 paragraphs full of details but I won't do that to you.

Right now, my primary question is how do you provide help for someone who not only refuses to accept help, but will automatically cut anyone out of their life just for raising the topic? Her paranoia has become constant and any discussion of almost anything invariably leads to "You just want to take my house and stick me in a nursing home to die."

I don't even know how to get started here.

towhee

Hello and welcome.

There is a YouTube channel called "dementia careblazers". Search it for " how to accept help". There are several useful short videos, it is a good place to start.

H1235

Welcome. Do you have DPOA. This is very important. If you have it, you should be able to sign all the paperwork to get her into a facility. If not, some have had luck telling their loved one the DPOA is just for down the road just in case, but it sounds like she might not buy into that. I think the next step would be to see an elder law attorney. You will probably need guardianship. It’s my understanding this is time consuming and expensive (although I think the cost could come out of her money if guardianship is approved).
You might try starting with non care related help. Someone to mow the lawn, a cleaning lady. Getting her to accept help might be a losing battle. To be honest if she has dementia to the point that it’s pretty obvious to you, then she probably needs 24/7 care or a facility. If you are thinking about a facility, you might want to start looking. Some facilities have a waiting list to get in. If you get her on a waiting list now, by the tome you have guardianship hopefully there will be an opening.
Some little things that might help you deal with all of this, depending on the situation at the time. If it doesn’t matter(not a safety issue), just let it go. She is always right. Do what needs to be done without telling her, asking her or consulting her. I changed the mailing address for all of moms bills to my house. If I had told her she would have gone through the roof. She continued to get junk mail and never new the difference (I successfully avoided a big argument). Use a therapeutic fib. Instead of telling her she is not safe to drive, tell her the car won’t start (you disabled it). Whenever possible avoid discussions that include hot button topics. I never bring up moms house, I even avoid mentioning the name of the town her house is in, I avoid talking about my garden (reminds her of her own), I never discuss her finances, I avoid discussing her medication or changes. Yes it’s like waking on eggshells, but I think it helps. The last bit of advice is to accept (the best you can) that she is going to be mad. With many decisions/choices I have come to realize, no matter what I do mom is going to be very angry with me and there is really nothing that can be done about it. Safety trumps trying to keep her happy.
I assume she has not been diagnosed. There are other treatable medical issues that mimic dementia, so it is important for her to see a doctor ( I can imagine she is fighting you on this as well). Once diagnosed there are medications that can help with the anger and anxiety.
I will attach a few resources that might be helpful. The dbat is what most of us here use to determine what stage our loved one is in.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

DBAT.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

lilacgirl

My heart goes out to you because I have been there— most of us here have! I’m still dealing with my mom’s anosognosia, even though we did manage to get her moved into assisted living in April. It’s very hard; you have to become really crafty. But there is no use trying to reason with her or get her to understand her own condition; you can’t.

This forum has been invaluable to me. Another resource to look up is Dr. Leslie Kernisan on YouTube. She covers this topic in multiple videos.

Quilting brings calm

Sometimes you ( unfortunately) have to wait for the inevitable crisis. None of us like that answer but you can only do so much legally with a resistant paranoid person.

Does she have a legal and financial power of attorney set up for if she is incapacitated? If not, do you think she would be open to setting up at least that? It’s not as helpful as a durable POA, but it at least gets something in place for that crisis. Same with medical POA.

Start touring facilities without her knowledge. You don’t have to sign her up, but you can at least get some preferences figured out.

Write a letter to her doctor and drop it off at the office. If you aren’t on her HIPAA form, they can’t talk to you. But they can read and listen to your concerns. If she lets you in the exam room at appointments, sit where the doctor can see your facial expressions or body language.

Victoriaredux

@Alex655321

You've been given great places to learn and get approaches. A LO of mine had had the warmest relationship with their Mother - with VD ,but when they tried to discuss the issues of physical and financial safety head on with her it ended up in the same sounding place as you may be in -paranoia and accusations .

Very common the person closest to them becomes the focus of their worries about being restricted . It must be scary inside their heads.

So you'll probably be best served in swimming like a duck around her- soothing ,agreeing ,on the surface and under the surface paddling like crazy to get the paperwork and legal plans in place with minimal input or discussion with her.

LO didn't do this - didn't understand dementia at that point - and tried hiring a professional guardian to step in . While there is a place for them in this world they are very expensive as they come with their own lawyers .

The best news is that stage doesn't last forever but safety usually requires action be taken before they become more compliant. Getting advise from the videos , readings and the elder law attorney you consult with will give you approaches for the future. Good luck to you , glad you found this board.