Moms Confusion and heartache

VMGhelp26

Hello, this is my first time to post on this platform. I wonder if anyone has dealt with this situation. Mom has vascular dementia. She was diagnosed in 2022. Since then she has lived at home alone, and then at assisted living for 3 years, and now she is living with me and my husband. We have lived in this home for 23 years and my mother is very familiar with it.

Over the last couple of months she has spiraled because she feels like this house is her house because it is familiar and she sees items in the house that do belong to her that were brought here for her use. There are also a few things in the house that Mom gave to me decades ago that were hers that she remembers.

When she's in her room she forgets where she is and often thinks she's back at Assisted Living. She asks questions like who lives here? When is dinner?Do I need to go downstairs to eat? (We live in a one-story home.)

But the moment that we walk out of her room to go down the hallway to the kitchen, she starts saying that she's remembering that she lived here once and that she doesn't know what's happened to her. She is sure that she and my dad, who is deceased now, bought this house. I often just go with that narrative but there are times when she has asked if it's her house and I tell her the truth. That my husband and I bought the house and she lives with us now so it is her home too. She then will shake her head "no" and apologize to me saying "No," this is my house. So I go with that. In doing so however it takes her down a spiral because she starts saying things like she never thought she would raise children to do something like this to her. To take something that she and my dad worked so hard for, to make a bunch of remodeling changes to the house without asking her. (She is remembering a different house) She says she wanted to leave something to the rest of my siblings but now she's not able to do anything because I took her house and made all these changes so she feels like she can't sell it. It's all very upsetting to know she is so distraught over something that is not even true. I try redirecting, but often once she is on this trail redirecting fails. She may say something like she just wants to go back to her room, so I'll help her down the hallway and leave her alone for a little while to reset.

I know there are some things in the house that are triggers for her that I can move, for instance, a crystal bowl on the table that she thinks is hers, a cake plate etc..but I can't do anything about the physical house and that is what triggers her the most. This is my dilemma and her misery. Does anyone have any tips?

SusanB-dil

Hello and welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

You are doing everything right. Do agree with her. Re-direct… Do you have DPOA and HIPAA accesses? Do tell her doc about her agitation. She may need a med adjustment that can dial that back a bit without being zombied. It sounds like you have things in order, but just in case you don't have HIPAA access, you can still tell her doc what is happening. They just will not be able to respond back to you.

MIL (also vasc & alz) insisted she lived in my house at one point, and used to play with the children next door. She never lived there. We have no doubt that she was remembering someplace else that she did live. We just went with it… "oh, that's interesting", "oh, that must have been nice". It's really all you can do. For your mom, seeing familiar things is probably making her brain decide that it was her house. All you can do is just go with the flow…

Perhaps you could look into some adult daycare a few days a week? That would also give you some respite time.

Rule #1: Never argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Must take care of yourself. Rule #2: See rule #1, both of them.

sandwichone123

Fixed beliefs that are not the case are referred to as delusions, and can be helped with medications. I suggest calling her provider or using the portal and letting them know about these delusions and how much they are bothering her. That part is important, because they don't usually treat delusions that aren't affecting their quality of life. It can take some time to get medications adjusted, several weeks, but it's worth it to provide relief from these feelings.

caregiving daughter

You're doing good. Let the comments roll off of you. I know it's easier said than done—my mom told me I was different (in a bad way) from my siblings. Actually, I was the only one helping so she saw me as the one taking freedom away from her.

Could you try a flblet and indicate that a realtor ironically said the house (what she says is her house) is worth a good deal. When she talks about passing it to others, entertain the conversation and even take a couple notes. Then distract. You could offer to take notes on how much each child should receive. My guess is that she will lose interest in the activity but will see you as supportive.