Traveling with a Spouse who has dementia

dhoffmeister

My spouse is in the later stages of dementia although we still do outside activities. Each winter we do down south for 3 months. I am debating what to do this year. If we stay home LO will be in the house 7 days a week being cold. If we go south, she will at least get outside. I caN'T figure out what to do. Either way I feel like it will an issue but warmer weather sounds more practical. Interested in thoughts on this

Damiross

I'm no expert by far. Based on what I see at my wife's memory care, I'm not sure if dementia patients realize that they are inside or out. My wife seems to prefer to stay inside.

Quilting brings calm

I have questions. Will you be in one place for the three months? Can you prevent her wandering off? One floor or stairs? Medical care, medications, etc? Will there be anyone to help you? What’s the plan for traveling there? Is a companion traveling with you to help?

SusanB-dil

Also question - just how far are you going? or rather, how long is the travel-time, that you would need to keep up with the stressors? And just how 'later' along is your spouse? it sounds like you are already debating with yourself if the trip is realistically do-able.

Also agree - MIL doesn't care if she is inside or out, and actually just prefers her recliner these days.

I have no doubt that you would love to go at least once more… If you do, definitely look into some assistance

RMremdler

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77060/traveling-with-a-spouse-who-has-dementia

My LO is in the early stages and just diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. Traveling was always enjoyable until earlier this year. Being in a different house, with different surroundings, he became very anxious and withdrawn. He was very content at the beach to sit inside the entire time.

H1235

Some things to consider. Her ability to use the restroom while traveling. Many places now have family restrooms, but if they are not available it could be a problem. You might be able to call the different airports and ask about family restrooms. I’m told that you can get special boarding if you ask for it. Wherever you stay is going to have a different layout and this may be confusing for her. Bathroom is to the right not the left, toilet paper is on the other side, she can’t find a coffee mug… How does she react to changes in routine now. If she is easily upset maybe it’s not a good idea. If she is pretty mellow and goes with the flow (my mil was like this) it might be worth a try. She probably won’t have any memory of the trip, but if you think you can both enjoy your time then it might still be worth it. I always thought to try and create enjoyable moments for my mil. She often forgot about them within hours, but for the moment she was happy and that was important.

AnneO428

Hi I am new to this group. But I too travel to family trips away. Last winter going to Florida by plane. Somewhat of a hassle with canceled flights. It was lovely to go away. However, I found the trips always wind up me wanting to go away and be with family (also having lots of eyes on DH) more then wanting my husband to be away. He just wants to socialize but the traveling is exhausting for me. We are taking a 4’hour 1 way Thanksgiving trip. I am looking forward to family time but not the driving part. So, I am taking advantage of these times away with family now while I can still do it with DH knowing that one day it will end. Keeping in mind the reason I am putting up with me travel hassles is because I NEED TO BE AWAY AND WITH FAMILY. Sorry for dragging on but this writing has been therapeutic for me as the wife caregiver.
Anne

harshedbuzz

@dhoffmeister

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This is a BTDT for me. My parents used to snowbird yearly leaving their place near the beach and golf in MD for their place in FL right after Halloween. It was awesome until it wasn't.

Some random thought about this.

At a certain point, he will be of no help in terms of the trip. The last 2-3 years they did this, mom did it all except the 100% of the driving. Once driving home (north) dad made a wrong turn in SC and mom woke up in FL.

Even if you will be staying in the same place, as my parents did, you can expect an adjustment for DH going back and forth. For dad who was moving from one familiar place to another, there would be a confusion and a drop in cognition/function. For dad it was temporary, but for some it isn't. This is especially true if you rent a different unit or move around.

The last couple years were no real break for my mom. Taking a PWD in the latter stages is a business trip— all your usual responsibilities come with you and maybe a few new ones. Additionally, any support you have where you are will be unavailable to you. Sure, it was warm. But dad didn't want to really do anything but drink in the evenings. This was a point where he could be left alone for a few hours, but could be nasty if she were gone longer. He wasn't happy to "share" her with other visitors.

Who's looking out for you? Travel left them without a safety net. Mom got very sick the last year she was there. Dad was worse than useless. I called almost daily to check on them as I knew mom wasn't feeling well. He told me a series of conflated tales each time he answered— mom was napping, at Publix, at the pool with her friends, etc. Once I had local police do a well check and he told them the same lies. They told me things were fine without laying eyes on mom. The next day, I got a call from the local hospital as mom's emergency contact. She was very ill when found by a retired RN neighbor who drove her to the ED. She was in autoimmune liver failure and the color of a school bus— and it just didn't register with him as an emergency. She nearly died.

My mom wanted to keep the house in FL; every year they'd come back with happy stories of days playing golf, or at the pool, evenings dining out with friends and neighborhood happy hours. But it just didn't make financial sense, so it was decided to sell. The punch line to this awful joke is that when I went down to get their personal things out of the house and sign the papers to sell it as POA, I had a steady stream of nosey neighbors traipse through. This was telling. Everyone asked after mom as she was well-liked. Nobody asked after dad and more than a few assumed he had died as they hadn't seen him in a couple of years. So much for those happy tales of days on the links.

I'm sorry to be such a downer, but that is my lived experience.

HB