The trauma is still there, two years on

GothicGremlin

Well ….

Last night I had dinner with one of my sister's good friends. It was great to see her, hang out, talk about the good times with my sister, Peggy, and the bad times. We talked for probably three hours over pizza and some bubbles (in honor of Peggy's birthday, which would have been earlier this month).

But, even though it's been two years now, there is still trauma. Peggy's friend still feels guilty that she didn't tell me about a time prior to Peggy's diagnosis that Peggy had some great difficulty navigating some stairs. Peggy's friend told me that as she watched Peggy come down the stairs, so many red flags were popping up, and she encouraged Peggy to go to a doctor and to tell me about it. I told her that it wasn't her fault, and not to feel guilty - nothing would have changed. I think she felt a little better, but the pain is still there.

The thing that is still with me is the wish that my brother hadn't told Peggy about our uncle's death. I don't know what he was thinking, but telling her sent her into a tailspin and she never recovered from it. I'm not angry anymore, it's just a wistful feeling that I have. I wish Peggy had been spared that.

We shared a lot of laughs last night too, remembering the good times. But I guess we're still healing from all of this, even two years on.

Alzheimer's. The gift that keeps on giving. 😐️

TrumpetSwan

Hi Gothic. Well, yes, I think I might understand feeling this way.

The trauma. I did not expect it, but it showed up like an unwelcome guest that will not go away. I think it is probably that while our LO is going through it, we steel ourselves to be able to carry the weight as the next new turn takes us somewhere new or somewhere we never wanted to go.

One of my mother's friends where she used to work told me at my mother's funeral that a few years ago my mother called her every single day for one week and repeated the exact same conversation. She told me she just went along like it was the first time she heard it, but she became very worried and hoped someone in the family knew about it. She also said when she heard mom was in memory care that she hoped she was being treated respectfully. That statement was another dagger because, honestly, 'respectful' sort of disappeared a while ago.

I did not know that individual very well, and I just told her she handled the daily phone calls very well. However, I was a bit irritated that she did not reach out to the family about it at all. It would not have impacted my mother's condition, but it certainly would have impacted the way the family prepared and planned for it. There were even some family friends who visited and would later tell me how great my mom looked, and I always thought they were blind. Knowing other people were instead detecting the same decline I saw would have been validation and urgency that plans get made. Instead, the obvious signs went on until a crisis occurred and it was a nightmare. It was pre-trauma before the actual trauma.

I guess it is OK just to let it be what it is and not rush through the process. I am only six months in stage 8 and realize trauma is going to be with me for a while. Everyone may be unique in how we process it. I ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store a few weeks ago and she was so happy and cheerful and asked how I was. I sort of hesitated, and my husband reminded her my mom died six months ago and all she said was "well, that was a long time ago." It must be nice to never have had to deal with this disease in any way.

Blessings to you.

GothicGremlin

Thanks @TrumpetSwan

Wow, six months is not "a long time ago", certainly when we're talking about dementia. It's more like "yesterday". I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

I heard the same thing from some people - "Peggy looks so good", when she was in memory care. Maybe it's a way they make themselves feel better? I don't know.

I agree with you, the trauma is there, and will be there for some time. I'm sad about several things that happened … people who didn't step up, or who made things worse, but generally speaking I'm not dwelling on those things. I really hope that Peggy's friend can move on too. Just the way she spoke and the intensity of it … she's been holding onto this for awhile. I hope that hearing that I thought she was a good friend to my sister helped her.

TrumpetSwan

Thanks, @GothicGremlin - When that person said six months "was a long time ago" it actually made me feel sort of bad for still feeling the trauma and grief of it all. So, thanks for stating it is indeed not that long. The whole dementia aspect just changes everything.

The trauma is like a breathing thing that changes and morphs as time passes. One aspect sort of fades, but then new ones pop up, new images, and things I think if I had done differently, it would have somehow changed the way things played out. I also am feeling disappointed about those who did not step up and those who just made a bad situation so much worse. Not dwelling on it is probably a healthy road. Acknowledge the feelings for what they are, then let them pass. You never know what impact your words have on others, even if at the time it might not seem profound, but I would bet Peggy's friend was for sure comforted by your words. I guess they muddle their way through it just like a lot of us do.

psg712

I'm late to this convo but just wanted to say: dementia caregiving was such a long journey, we can't expect healing to be a short process after our LOs have passed. It's been just four months since my mom died. In some ways it feels so far distant, because life moves on to new challenges and responsibilities so quickly. But then some aspect of the trauma comes up and I have to be patient with myself, realizing that I just recently lost my mom. It's different though from others who lost family suddenly or after a short illness. The "long goodbye" means that the loss stretched over years of seeing the person we loved slowly disappear. No one understands unless they have experienced it.