people can see you functioning and mistake that for you being okay

jen ht

Hi friends,

I am continuing to teach this year with a lighter load (which means a "lighter" paycheck too). The amount of not okay that I had reached was no longer sustainable. So I go in for 2 periods this year.

Honestly, I thought it would help more than it has. I am still exhausted and overwhelmed and honestly worried about myself.

I show up at school. I teach my classes. I interact with people. I may even smile and express gratitude. From the outside, I may look like someone who is managing.

But they don't necessarily see what it costs me to do those things.

They don't see the grief I carry about my dad. They don't see the worry about my mom. They don't see the emotional energy it takes to move through my day and continue caring for my parents. And when they approach me and begin talking at length about their own problems, they may not realize that the person standing in front of them has very little left to give.

I need room to be the daughter who is grieving. The person who is tired. The woman who wants a quiet passing period without having to listen to someone else's latest crisis. The teacher who wants to do right by her students without having to manage the emotional atmosphere of the adults around me.

I'm realizing that I need to be more protective of my quiet time and emotional energy. I'm trying to give myself a little more space to recharge.

I am dealing with the uncomfortable feeling that comes with changing a long-standing pattern of being available to other people.

Perhaps I can begin to measure my days not by how much I accomplished or how many people I helped, but by whether I made enough room for myself to get through them without abandoning my own needs.

My peace matters, too. Not after everyone else is okay. Not when every responsibility is finished. Now.

My peace matters, too.

Not after everyone else is okay.

Not when every responsibility is finished.

Not when everyone understands.

Not when I have found the positive side of every painful thing.

Now.

I don't know that I have a question. I guess I'm just hoping that someone might have some words of wisdom for me. I'm on the struggle bus.

My history recap: Only child. Divorced parents. Not old enough to retire. Planned originally to work for several more years. Dad lives in a care home. Mom is still in her home (with lots of support). I've been "in this" for a couple of years now. Dad is receiving hospice care now. Recently noted at 7 on FAST scale.

I am trying my best to be okay. Some days are better than others. I am tired. I know others have it worse. Still, I am tired and trying my best but feeling like I am falling short over and over both personally and professionally.

Thanks for listening and offering your words of wisdom.

May we be well 💜

Jen

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Quilting brings calm

Yes. Been there, done that. The struggle is real. It’s one of the reasons I retired when I did ( not an option for you I know). Lots of other stressors came along after my retirement and in stage 8. Here’s what I know. You can add things to your life that reduce the stress: quilting and reading do that for me. You can cut things out of your life to reduce the stress: cleaning - do what’s needed, hire someone if you want, cut out meetings, people, and groups you no longer enjoy. Accept that you might only have the energy to watch tv today. You can’t be all things to all people. Conserve your energy to deal with your parents etc. However also try to get a few days away. It helps a lot.

Emily 123

I'm so sorry. I think about it as a cup of 'emotional coping' that gets filled to the brim. When it gets too close to spilling over something has to give, and it often seems to be our ability to stay engaged and maintain some sense of who we are. I do think dementia caregiving is unique in its demands in a way that's hard to appreciate from the 'outside', and that leads caregivers at first to underestimate how much of a toll it's taking. It's so much harder because the PWD can't help you feel supported during the decisions you have to make on their behalf. People who would usually support you draw away when it comes to interacting with the PWD. Like the disease progression itself, the shift for the caregiver over to 'emotional autopilot' can occur over time, and friends and family may not see it. You're doing an amazing job. Keep making good decisions about what you need.

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284271#Comment_284271

Thank you @[Deleted User] 💜 I appreciate you.

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284272#Comment_284272

Thank you @Quilting brings calm I am going to take some time to rest. I value your insights.

jen ht

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284286#Comment_284286

Thank you for sharing your insights @Emily 123 Yep, feeling like it's about to overflow the brim. Good way to word it. I appreciate the encouragement and hearing your perspective.

jht