The Time Has Come…

Karen711

The time has come. Wednesday I’ll drive to the best possible memory care I could find that’s also commutable, and I’ll walk in with my DW of 43 years. I know I’ll walk out and she will stay. She’ll be angry with me, eventually she’ll forget that she is. But will she remember the love we have, and the humor between us, at least for a little while before she disappears completely? I’ve been getting her room ready for the last month, and very lucky, four best friends have been helping me. I was there the other day and had to find a caregiver to let me out. She was running a bingo game, and one of the residents responded to me by saying “ once you’re in here honey, you can get out” and then she chuckled and cracked a wry smile. My DW will like her. I’m glad there are some higher functioning residents there, meaning there’s a chance for my DW to connect with others. I am sick and worn out (Lupus, vestibular migraines with chronic vertigo and dizziness, low blood pressure…. Louise Hay would have a hay day) and I’m doing what I have to do to stay in this game. I am grateful we have the resources to choose this option, as so many are not able to. So utterly unfair! My heart is broken in so many ways. Though I’ve been hard pressed to find time to post much here, I’ve learned more from the collective experience, wisdom, and humor here than any other source of support I’ve had over these past years. I thank one and all for making this what it is. Extraordinary. Thank You and please wish us well on Wednesday🙏🏽. Talk with you soon Gi! Karen

jgreen

Dear @Karen711

Thank you for letting us know. I will be thinking of you and your DW on Wednesday.

It looks to me that you and your great friends have done the best you could to make your DW’s transition to MC as smooth as possible. My fingers are crossed that her reaction will be better than you anticipate - and at least you are prepared for the worst.

When things have settled a bit for you, do come back and give us an update.

Please accept a bug hug from me 💝

TrumpetSwan

All the best to you and your DW on Wednesday.

I am glad you have found support on this forum.

Memory care is a new turn on the journey, and the caregiving does not end when you LO is placed. It just changes. You will worry, maybe a lot, but it is normal. You will feel moments of relief too, and it is OK to then just breathe.

One thing I wanted to mention that nobody told me is that your DW's experience in memory care will be greatly impacted by your presence there and interaction with the staff. They need to know someone is looking over their shoulder. When you visit your DW, take notes of things that you question or find concerning. Schedule routine (monthly?) care meetings with the staff and raise the items you noted earlier at those routine/scheduled meetings. Cross them off your list once you speak to staff about them. Follow up afterward with the staff if you do not see they got tended to.

It seems to me that the staff mostly did just enough to "get by" until I pressed them on things. My standards were certainly NOT the same as the caregiver's standards. Sometimes the staff seemed a bit irritated with me, but I remained polite and kept at it.

You will learn as you go and adapt and probably keep tweaking things here and there. I am so glad you have the support of friends.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77375/the-time-has-come

I took my DH to memory care a few months ago as I could no longer take care of him at home. He never forgot me and every time I visited which was everyday I would tell him that I had to leave and that I would be back soon. I would ask him if that was OK and he would always say yes. I would then tell him that I would never leave him. I have no idea if he remembered that but he never put up a fuss when I left. He didn't always remember my name but he knew that I was his person right up to the end. We were married 46 years.

Karen711

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284507#Comment_284507

thank you Tboard, I’m glad there’s a good memory care story out there, and happy for you! When I first contemplated the move I was convinced she would be furious. But she has progressed so much in the last few months that I think she may feel more secure and eventually happy to have more company and activity than I’ve been able to provide. I’m about to find out.

Karen711

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284500#Comment_284500

thank you for your wise words TrumpetSwan. I know what you’re saying is true as I went through this with my father. I had to move him from his first residence as I learned they were so dysfunctional they could never correct the issues I brought to their attention. I had to hire an outside caregiver who actually saved his life one morning when she found him on the floor of his room when she arrived, unresponsive. She called 911. They are not all that bad, but I think your point is right on- they needs eyes on and advocacy. I also really appreciate that you approached it seriously but with kindness. 🙏🏽

Karen711

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284488#Comment_284488

Thank you JGreen, I appreciate the hug and good wishes!🙏🏽. I will report back.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284488#Comment_284488

Goodlife2025

Karen, you know you are in my thoughts - you have been as thoughtful as you could be and I have a feeling she will never fully lose that you are her person. I hope you can rest and begin to regain some of the strength, fortitude, and outlook that has been spent.

Chance Rider

Thinking about you and hoping all went as well as possible on Wednesday, and that your DW settles in. Also hoping the transition is not difficult for you.

CindyBum

Oh my dear Karen. I am so terribly sorry you've reached this stage. What a difficult decision to make.

I hope the move in went ok. You've been such an incredible caregiver for your DW and this move is another testament to the depth of your love.

Big hug.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284507#Comment_284507

I had a similar experience as tboard, except that I would leave when the caregivers distracted him to sit him down for dinner. He forgot I was there so didn’t realize I had left. But he always knew that I was his person right up to the end, and always smiled when I came to visit. I hope @Karen711 that your DW will have as smooth a transition as my DH. The extra free time is a little bonus - even if you feel guilty about it. You’ve been through a lot and your deep love will carry you through. The adjustment to an empty house is hard, but the comfort in knowing DW is safe and well cared for is the compensation.