Bringing Mom home for events and holidays

Elbee7878

Hello. I am new here! My mother-in-law has been in an assisted living facility for a month. We as a family are trying to find support and help with upcoming decisions. She has been finding reasons for us to bring her back to her house to "visit her dogs", "gather more clothes", "pick up more decorations or supplies" but has we have discovered it seems to be a secret plan to just get back to her house and bargain to stay home. Its hard to get her back in the car to take her back to the facility. She is crying and very stressed and emotional and most recently this week, very angry. She was started on Klonopin 2 weeks ago to try to help with her anxiety and unsettled feelings, especially at night (during sundowning). We don't know whether the anger is possibly caused by the newly added medication or if its just the realization of having to accept her new living arrangements or if it is just part of the disease. To my knowledge there hasnt been a specific name to the diagnosis except Alzheimers/Dementia. This is year 6.

We have tried many times to take her to lunch, shopping etc. but it always ends with her request to be taken "home" to see her dogs. Then shes an emotional mess. We didn't want her to feel "stuck" at the facility but we are struggling with outings because of the end result. So now as holidays approach we are trying to find advice on what's best for her and for us. To add to the situation is the location of her home. Our home is on 10 acres of which her house is located on the front 1 acre so we are in her backyard. We have to drive past her house to get to ours to bring her to events like holidays. Currently she still recognizes her home. We are afraid if we bring her to our home for Thanksgiving she will be polite enough to stay a few minutes and maybe even eat a bite but then will want to spend the rest of the day at "her house" with the dogs (and her husband). Which doesn't see like it should be too much to ask but its the crying and emotionally pleading that comes with the visit to her home that is so hard. Any advice would be appreciated!

pamu

I wish I had advice, but I do understand how difficult it is. My mom (88YO) has been in a lock down nursing home since Sept 2025. She had her very first outing yesterday to go on a scenic drive with the facility (20 residents bussed). She called me in the morning very confused and anxious about going. She has been begging to leave the facility since the day she arrived and is exit seeking (attempted elopement in the spring which ended her up in the ER for a psych eval.). It was a surprise that she was hesitant to go - the nursing team talked it up and she decided to go. I feel like with dementia you just don't know how the PWD will respond in any situation. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas we did not take mom out. The facility allowed us to use one of the rooms for our family to come celebrate Christmas. We brought gifts, lunch, and had a good time with the whole family (kids, etc). Mom told us this year that "you better not have a party for me" and "If I'm still here at Christmas I'm going to leave and you won't know where I'm going". My sister and I recently talked about the possibility of taking her out for Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve dinner since it's been a year…she's still healthy, mobile, and has had good moments recently (new meds helping). Not sure if we will…we have to weigh the risk of taking her out with the possibility of her having a major meltdown vs trying to include her in our family plans. We are not sure she would even enjoy the celebrations. It would be incredibly stressful for the rest of us. If we don't take her out it will be stressful too. Have you considered having Thanksgiving at an alternative place this year…or alternative day/time? This may not stop her from getting upset when it's time to leave but it may help. What does her husband think about it? Is he planning to spend time with her at her AL during the holidays?

Elbee7878

thank the response! It is so hard to know if we are doing the right thing.
Her husband is having a hard time the emotions of it all. He gets the brunt of her anger, so he is basically scared to talk to her about decisions like that he’s afraid to ask her any questions that might cause a confrontation. He visits her once a week as he is still working full-time at 78 years old. He is afraid to not bring her to Thanksgiving yet he is afraid to also bring her to Thanksgiving. Both things have the potential to cause confrontations and crying and breakdowns.
at this point, we are going to give it a try for Thanksgiving. And just hope and pray for the best result! I am sure that determine future possibilities of outings.

good idea on possibly having a get together at the facility. But because she still has lucid moments, she will be very aware that we are coming there to celebrate with her as opposed to why we are not “ her to come back to her house.
Best of luck to you and your family as the holidays approach!

Elbee7878

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284688#Comment_284688

Sorry!! I’m so new I didn’t realize I had to hit the reply button. Please see my other post and response to your reply! And thank you very much

H1235

Welcome. When mom was first diagnosed she moved in with my brother just a few blocks from her house. She asked constantly to be taken to her house. While she was there she would get very overwhelmed (she is a hoarder). She wanted to pull weeds in the garden, mow the lawn, wash curtains, paint a bench, reupholster a couch….. My brother insisted we had no right to keep her from her house🙄. When we moved her to assisted living I put my foot down with my brother and said no more visits to her house (her doctor and counselor both agreed it was for the best). At this point it’s been about 3 years since she has been to her house and she lives about a half hour away from it. Most of the time she’s not too bad. She hasn’t mentioned pulling weeds or needing to wash curtains in a while. She still brings the house up every now and then. She has given me a crazy long list of things that she wants from her house. I think there was only one thing that made any sense. If I bring her holiday decorations from her house she sometimes accuses me of rooting through her things. At Christmas it took a while to convince her to let me bring the decorations back to her house. My brother has brought her to his house for the holidays and as far as I know she hasn’t mentioned going to her house while in town. Would it be possible to have the dogs at your house for the holiday? But then she might just come up with some other excuse to go to the house. As far as medication, it can take as long as a month to take full effect. You in a difficult situation.

Elbee7878

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284694#Comment_284694

thank you for the insight! We are going to go ahead with Thanksgiving and hope it all works out. This will be a test of sorts.

caregiving daughter

Please consider a family holiday get together at her new home.

My mom's place had several very nice conference rooms. We brought in sandwiches, chips, drinks, and dessert and everyone had a nice time. We all left about 1:00p.

It sounds like bringing your mom to her old home brings her great distress. I would avoid the trips out of her home.

terei

I

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284754#Comment_284754

I agree. The family meeting for an hour or so at the facility worked very well without any of the drama and confrontation when we tried to take mom out. A full holiday was very tiring for our PWD and invited meltdowns so we did not take her out at the point it was too much stress for everyone

Anonymousjpl123

I think it’s always worth a try, unless it’s really impossible.

I did holidays at my home as long as I could - first when my mom was in AL, then in MC (the bad one), then the last two years at her current MC which is AMAZING. I’m five year in and with Alzheimer’s and NPH each year has gotten harder.

You will know when visits home don’t make sense, when it is not worth it and not feasible. I stopped doing visits except holidays a few years ago and this past Christmas was my last holiday.

It’s painful but you probably won’t regret trying. And when it gets too hard, I promise you will know. I didn’t have my mom home for visits after the first year except for holidays and it worked well. I just visited her a lot (probably too much) instead. You will find a rhythm.