Husband will not accept diagnosis
I am new here. My husband of 45 years was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s-mild to moderate. He has always taken care of all our finances. He refuses to give up control to me. We have a will that gives me medical and financial Power of attorney if he is incompetent, but he insists he is fine. He also has bipolar disorder. He has been making very questionable financial decisions. We only have one son who is disabled with autism who lives with us. I am open to any help or suggestions on how to handle the situation.
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Hi and welcome to the forum. You need an appt with an elder care lawyer. You can search naela.org or nelf.org for one in your area and some will do consultations by video or even phone. They should be able to tell you what you can and cannot do with your current documents. It might be helpful if you took a good look at you documents beforehand. Although a will, medical and financial POAs are often drawn up at the same time, they are separate documents usually. Your financial POA might be valid and able to be used the moment it is signed and notarized or it could be what is called a "springing" POA and cannot be used unless one or two doctors agree that your husband is incompetent to handle affairs. In any case your husband gave permission for you to handle financial matters when he signed that document and you do not need his permission again. He does not need to accept that he is ill for you to do what is necessary. You will have to learn to "work around". Trying to reason is like trying to go thru a wall. There is a good you tube channel called dementia careblazers. Try searching that for "accepting help".
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Your situation isn't unusual. I have taken care of three family members with dementia and none of them believed their diagnosis. This is going to seem harsh but I found that sometimes I had to trick my loved ones in order to stop them from doing things that they were no longer competent to do. I made up stories, I hid things etc.
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@Duh
Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.
Anosognosia is a common condition that rides with dementia. It's when a PWD is unable to appreciate that they have had a cognitive shift nor how it incapacitates them. They might cop to a poor short-term memory, but they generally don't see how dementia impacts higher order thinking. There is no point in trying to convince him— in his mind he's the bright and competent guy he always was. To suggest otherwise will not bring harmony to your home.
One question. Normally Wills are a separate document from POAs and Medical Proxies/POA/Directives. The former is valid with death, and the latter expires with death. It would make sense to consult— solo— the lawyer who drew up the documents. You may have a springing POA which requires the signature of one or more physicians to attest to his incapacity to activate the POA. This can be hard for some folks to ge or not. It's more expensive, but guardianship/conservatorship is another way to legally take over the finances and decision making. Both my aunt and a friend had to do this. Both PWD had court-ordered neuro-cognitive testing and both aunt and friend prevailed. Friend's dad was a PhD scientist how had enough cognitive reserve to even find his own lawyer, but his testing convinced the judge.
Your story is really familiar. TBH, your DH sounds a bit like dad. Dad also had some mental health issues (his psychiatrist would say bipolar but I suspect some psychopathy) which informed how dementia impacted him. His pre-dementia personality was very forceful, and he liked to be the one in control. My mom is passive by nature making for a dangerous situation. Dad made some very questionable financial moves in the early and middle stages of dementia before he was diagnosed. Dad day-traded away $360K before he finally forgot how to use his laptop. There was a period of time when he was hazy on passwords and struggling, so he would just buy a new one because, of course, it wasn't him it was the computer. A few months after he died, I discovered 5 internet security suites on auto-renew for about $300 each. Seven years after he died, I found a recurring charge on a VISA for a $10 to a company to insure a flip phone bought in 2005. Dad also went out when mom was in the hospital and bought a new car because he was felling fretful. A Ford Taurus at full MSRP. (The day he did this, he was supposed to stay in a hotel across the street. He called me from the hospital in FL to ask me in PA how to get to the hotel. It was directly across the street per google maps. Mom could see it from her room. He never did find it and slept in the car) You'll need money for his care at some point, so you need to lock things down now.
To protect yourself and your son's future, you need to take control of finances and decisions for your household. You need to bring your POA (once active)/court papers to any banks and investment houses and have him taken off as a decision maker. Be sure to change the passwords as well. You need to lock your credit with the 3 major bureaus so he can't get a loan or credit card. Another safety issue is the internet and phone. At his stage, he's prey for scammers. At the very least, you may need to supervise internet access (changing the network password) or take away computers and smart phones.
Getting through the middle stages with dad was the hardest part. He was unhappy and hellbent on ensuring the rest of us were as well. He even articulated how he planned to make mom miserable. He'll likely need to be on psychoactive medication if he isn't already. If he becomes threatening, he may need to be transferred to a geripsych hospital for medication management.
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Hello, @Duh Welcome to the club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us.
Your DH has ‘anosognosia’ where his brain disease does not allow him to recognize his cognitive decline and limitations. Trying to reason with him or explain things is going to backfire. Learn what ‘work-arounds’ will help in your situation, and also start to take over all the complex tasks - finances, bills, wills, etc. See if you can hide his wallet with important information like insurance cards, credit cards, etc. Get a ‘dummy’ wallet for him with copies of some of that along with a little bit of cash and a gift card or two with a limited amount of money - he is open to scams if things are lost, stolen, he is online, etc.
I am sure others will chime in with other good advice. I hope you will stay with us.
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Welcome. What they ^^^^^^^ said. Especially Harshedbuzz, they have all helped me so much. Keep coming back, it becomes a survival tool if you allow it.
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When DH nearly lost us $30,000 to a scammer, I realized that he wasn't always thinking clearly. He was still in MCI stage at that time. I locked down all the credit bureaus, got online and changed the primary account person on every financial account to me, changed passwords and ID and then talked to our broker about DH's diagnosis and that he should not be permitted to make financial decisions without talking to me. Fortunately, our broker's mother and father in law both had had ALZ so he understood what I was/am dealing with. Also, luckily for me, DH didn't shop online or even use credit cards much. If your DH is using credit cards, take them away and replace them with one that has a spending limit on it.
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You need to find a way to take away his ability to handle finances. For example, if you get paper bills and pay with checks, secure the checkbook and beat him to the bills. If he does everything online you could write down sites and passwords and use them. If he does everything on his phone, maybe it's time for him to "lose" it. Figure out what you need to do and do it as soon as possible.
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If he is in the mild to moderate stage, does he still have the ability to do certain tasks? You may have tried already, but perhaps you can do these things together instead of trying to take complete control. He may be more agreeable to that.
With my mother, I didn't have to take control until she was farther along. First I monitored, then I assisted. Over time, I assisted more until I eventually did take the responsibility over.
With my mother, I didn't find competency was like an on/off switch. More like a dimmer. A gradual process. If that makes sense.
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Harshed Buzz- Your father sounds just like my husband before Alzheimer’s. I have often wondered if he was sociopathic, because he seemed to care for no one but himself and didn’t care who he hurt. Your suggestions were great! It is going to be difficult to navigate this disease with him and stay safe. But like everyone else, you don’t have a choice; so, I’m going to try to eat this elephant one bite at a time. I appreciate all of the advice from the others, too.
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One other thought. We have a daughter with Autisum and a few years after my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I knew caring for both of them would be to much. I got her into an Adult Family Home. It was a frustrating process and she didn't want to go, but she is doing good and I talk to her on the phone every day. That took a lot of stress off me.
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DW is starting stage 6, and she a sweet heart so do not have a lot problems other have and it still not easy.
After DW wrote a check for 10K to a family member , I shut her down. Should have done it sooner. I just could not make myself believe she was that far down the rabbit hole.
I asked her one time if she had a memory problem she said no but I sometime get confused. After thinking about it, it made sense, you just don't remember you don't remember.
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@Duh , so glad you found this site and all the terrifying but great advice. Everything said above is so very true. We are now living the results of DW in early stages getting scammed multiple times, turning our finances upside down. I wont get into the details but it HAS ruined us financially. This has added so much unnecessary stress on what was already the most stressful thing I have been through in my 64 years. While you can only do what you can at a pace that you can handle - if I had known what was happening I would have put my old track shoes on and starting eating this proverbial elephant like I was starving. Taking away access to finances as quickly as possible. Even if it meant those fiblets as a work around.
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You have been given great advice. Our lawyer recommended locking down our credit with the three credit bureaus as a precaution even even with neither of us having dementia ( mom has dementia and I locked hers down as well). I will attach a link for that. Some financial institutions may require some additional paperwork to be filled out before you can use your DPOA. I’ve been told that if there is a court appointed DPOA, one of the first things they do is move all the money out of existing accounts to new banks or financial institutions, so the person has no access. When my mom was making some questionable financial choices I talked to the bank hoping they would help. I had taken moms I’d an I had hoped that would prevent her from making withdrawals. They had a copy of her I’d on file and said they couldn’t deny the account holder access. Moving money to different accounts might be necessary ( but a lot of work). I know this sounds awful, but I would be a bit sneaky about things. Hide passwords, account numbers, maybe even his ID. Being upfront and honest with him will only cause problems. You said he is 45. This is pretty young. I really know nothing about this, but I’m thinking he should qualify for disability or something like that. A lawyer can help with this also. You could probably look it up on this site if someone doesn’t follow up with better information. So sorry you need to be here. I will add a few resources that might be helpful.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/confabulation-dementia
https://www.creditkarma.com/credit/i/how-to-freeze-credit
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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