Decades of anger from combative spouse

Hi GT Premium,

Just wanted to say you are not alone. H has anosognosia. Married 47 years. He's 72. I'm 69. We are starting year 9 of this journey. Your W's skills are the same as my H. 

H was always completely self-involved, fired from every job he had after retiring from the AF. Two sons - he was there for the birth and came to pick me up at discharge. DIL came to help when I had hysterectomy and double mastectomy. I drove myself to chemo for a year. No support for my career and resentful of the time I spent pursuing it (shared by my oldest son last year.) We went to marriage counseling three different times. Lots of talk on his part but no follow through. I did all the heavy lifting in our relationship. (Great preparation for spouse with Alzheimer's with anosognosia.) My sons thought we would divorce after they left home. I had my life. He had his. I told him long ago. I no longer loved him. My life choices have not been the best. 

Now he's angry, resentful that I "won't let him drive", and he has nothing to do. He had angry outburst late afternoon/evening. Dr gave him a medication that took the edge off that. You might want to check with the neurologist to see if that is possible. 

When I suggest an outing or activity, he doesn't want to. I take care of everything now. The nasty remarks/looks don't get to me because as Rhett Butler put it, "I don't give a d--m." 

I've got a LTC insurance. I'd like to place him. My son is too concerned that he will live longer than insurance and then it will be a financial problem. 

I send you caring thoughts and hope for better days. 

GT Premium,

You sound like a very caring man, and as patient as you can hope to be in a terrible situation.  I’m sorry you ended up taking care of someone who is so difficult.  Can you find someone else to take care of her?  My MIL was a mean woman and there is no way I would have taken her into our home.  But we made sure she was safe and secure as she aged.  I agree with Gig Harbor.  Don’t let the dementia destroy both of you.

Oh, my goodness.  Here I find myself at exactly the same place.  My spouse has been at me about why he can't drive all week, acting resentful, nasty etc.  And he never used to be so mean.  He always had a temper, but would realize that he had gone overboard and apologize.  As the years went on (45 of them, almost) he mellowed out and we were each other's best friends. Since the diagnosis (and even before) he's had what my niece (a nurse) calls "outbursts" and he thinks he has capabilities that he doesn't have.  Like, he thinks it's OK to give our daughter (who we think has an alcohol problem) a shot of scotch so she will listen to him about how she should go to therapy for that problem.  He used to be a clinical psychologist so he thinks he knows this.  In my book, that's just crazy talk.  

I can relate to "walking on eggshells".  I am realizing yet again that although he was always my closest confidante and best listener, he is no longer capable of those things.  Dementia has robbed me of the decent, compassionate and spiritual man he used to be.  Heck, I got new glasses yesterday and he didn't even notice.

All of this just to say, I can relate....all too well.

Wow, I could have written everything I just read from all of you. What is the most difficult thing to deal with is the inability to reason. DW is going through a toddler phase that is causing my head to explode. I find myself muttering I gotta get out of here almost every day. Not an option. The only option is to suck it up buttercup and continue on until the end. What works for me lately is I think of the absolute worse place I can be. That would be in prison in solitary confinement. Mentally I really go there, imagining the details and the despair of that situation. And then imagine you can be free but you have to be a caregiver to your wife who is a difficult dementia patient. It changes my whole perspective of the situation and for the moment I am happy to be here. I try to tap into my adventurous spirit anticipating what madness is waiting for me around the next corner. I do get a certain satisfaction out of the adaptation process. I also try to detach from the situation and pretend I am on the outside looking in. How would I advise myself to deal with the next hurdle. I am always searching for brain hacks to help deal with the emotional rollercoaster we are all on. Exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, golf, music, philosophy, spirituality, motivational videos, detachment, mindfulness, distractions, writing, name it I have tried it. Just writing this little piece gave me an endorphin boost and the motivation to keep going through the day.

Hello All,  

I am an infrequent reader and poster here, in part due to the issue that is being discussed.  I have been married 23 years to a very angry and difficult man.  I am 60, he is 70; he was diagnosed back in 2016.  I have a very challenging time reading posts regarding caring for a dear loved one now suffereing with AD who once was a loving, caring spouse.  To be honest, if I knew before diagnosis what I know now (through losts of therapy, support groups, etc.) I would have divorced him.  Now I feel I have no choice but to see this through to the end, which may be a very long time.  His mother passed from Alz in November 2021, at age 96.  My mother (also a very problematic personality) also has Alz.  She is in a skilled nursing facility after having broken her hip.  Prior to that, she was in assisted living, but now doesn't have the function remaining to return there.  She calls frequently wanting me to come visit, and when I do, she repeatedly returns to the subject of how she can't live in that horrible place and I must get her out of there (it is actually quite lovely, and I don't know if I will be able to afford that kind of premium care when I reach her age...)  I try to redirect, which leads to us having the same superficial conversations over and over and over....

All this to say that you are not alone, and it has helped me to hear that I am not alone in caring for two very difficult Alz patients.  My husband has had a remarkably slow progression, which all of my friends and family expect me to be very happy about.  I hate to say it, but when he was first diagnosed, I checked the "life expectancy tables" and was anticipating that he would, at the very least, be placed by now.  I guess I'm feeling a lot of self pity today.  But thanks for all who are vulnerable enough to share their realities here.  It does help to hear all of your stories.

After years of anger DH is now sweet and loving. The problem is that I don’t believe him when he frequently tells me he loves me. I have difficulty responding to these affectionate statements. I too am putting my time in because I don’t see any way out. He was diagnosed with MCI in 2010. Placement won’t come soon enough to suit me. I’m tired, worn out and too old (81) for this. I struggle with forgiveness. One day I believe I’ve forgiven him but the next day I may be angry again. It is a constant struggle. Lord, help us all.

Yep.....I could just hit thumbs up on so many of these responses.  My not so dear husband was always about himself, and the family only if it made him look good. 

I am 60, working full time from home (thanks to my wonderful employer).  I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't working.  Trying to talk to him and work with him is exhausting.  Since I've been working at home since the start of COVID (he was diagnosed 10/2020), he kind of understands that when I'm in the office at home, I'm working.  He still comes in to bug me multiple times a day, but I just say you need to watch tv because I'm working. He has no desire to do anything but sit and watch reruns, so that's fine by me.

He can still dress himself, though he doesn't like to change which clothes he's wearing.  I give light assistance during showers, which don't happen near as often as they should.  I cook and plate all his meals or he'd eat nothing but candy and ice cream. He has no ability to accomplish anything or make  even a simple decision.  He just exists.  So, no....he is not my dear loving husband.  He is the man I married 36 years ago who has EOAD who I am committed to taking care of.

Oh and how do I deal with him when he starts telling me how mean I am and how I'm supposed to be nicer to him?  Sometimes I just laugh and say ok, other times I look straight at him and tell him that he's lucky he has me here 24/7 taking care of him because nobody else would.  I know it's terrible, but it makes me feel better and he forgets about it in just a few minutes.

This site helps me to not feel like I’m the only one having this experience. My MIL has lived with us for 7 months and is generally a pleasant and able bodied woman. She is with us while her condo is being renovated after a flood. She has mid stage dementia/Alzheimer’s and most likely won’t be going back to an independent living situation.

My spouse travels A LOT for work and my MIL’s other son lives 3 hours away and really could have her there but we have more space and took her in. I am the only one between the three of us who is with her here every day. I work from home and manage to get out of the house for a break just to hit the gym each evening.

MIL smokes, leaves baggies of cigarette butts in odd places smelling up the house, and has a spoiled rotten dog that she constantly feeds from the table so we have to hear it whine and beg at EVERY meal. So beyond the challenges with her, there are other frustrations Also she won’t do anything to help herself, or try to stop these behaviors for herself or the dog.

The forgetting and repetitive questions are very exhausting and the combative lack of cooperation is the most frustrating for me. Today, after asking her many times over the past few months, to not put her baby powder on in the bedroom, it hit a boiling point. There is a thick layer of baby powder everywhere in the bedroom where she is staying in our home. She and her son (my spouse) started at it this afternoon after I simply asked her if she would mind putting her on her powder in on the bathroom. She went to complain to my partner and they got into an argument.

I got so angry that she was complaining about how we were constantly inspecting everything and she couldn’t do anything right. It was here that I got visibly angry at her for the first time since she has been with us and spoke up. She slammed the door in my face and then I opened the door, stormed in the room and unleashed.

I felt bad after but also felt relieved that I let out SO much frustration and anger that I’ve been holding onto for months. It even surprised me as I don’t get angry easily. Her anger outbursts don’t happen to that extent a lot, however there is frequent sarcasm and eye rolling so our frustration has been building.

I recognize that we broke many of the rules (don’t argue or correct, don’t yell) but it was SO hard. It was like an out of body experience for me. The months of anger and ongoing disrespect she shows are just so incredibly frustrating. Perhaps we need to have an evaluation of meds to help with increasing anger she is displaying.

So, reading the many others on this site that are experiencing the anger, combativeness, sarcasm and worse…my heart goes out. I recognize I am human and we are all allowed to be frustrated. She is frustrated because she has lost control of many things in her life, my partner are I are frustrated and we all try to work through it. Today just hit a boiling point and I lashed out like I never have before.

I actually feel a lot better after letting it out, however I recognize it wasn’t helpful. I appreciate this forum and the connection to others having similar experiences.

This comment is in the form of Musing.

So much in our world is falling apart or has already been destroyed. There is nothing we can do about changing back to the way things were before. I can rail against what is. I don't really feel better by railing. Victor Frankl said the only thing we have control over is our response to what happens to us. I had made a decision regarding my own memory loss to help other people dealing with memory loss. I feel very frustrated now--I feel like I'm a pawn in someone's game. I'm trying to capture my thoughts into a positive direction. I'm posting in this thread because it seems to be about frustration, and I am frustrated.

I absolutely agree 100% with that. It's super important.