I'm having a hard time letting him always be right!
My DH is in the moderate stages of dementia. He needs help remembering almost everything, but when he asks me a question and I give him an answer, he begins arguing with me and telling me I am wrong! Yesterday he asked for help downloading the app for our newspaper so he could read it on his iPad. I did it, showed him how it worked, left him to it, and 30 seconds later he was telling me I must have downloaded it incorrectly because it wasn't working! It is like this all day. If I argue that it was right, he gets so angry and says I am trying to make him think he is stupid. I feel like my entire day is spent "fixing" things for him, and basically getting nothing but grief for my efforts.
I think many women can relate to what I am feeling. During my career, I was usually the only woman at the table for any meetings, and I was actually supervising many of the men. Yet, I was the one asked to get the coffee, make copies, etc. I fought hard to be treated as an equal, but now in my own marriage, I have to allow him to question everything I do, and tell me I am wrong and don't know what I am doing. Was all that struggle to be treated equally for nothing?
I know it is important to try to keep the peace, but at what cost to me? Do I just become the peacemaker and continue to be told I don't know anything? He can be very loud and strident if I try to argue, and never, ever backs down.
Any suggestions will be so appreciated. I have a long road ahead of me, and would like to get to the end with some self-respect! Thank you so much!
Comments
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I’d start saying ‘ I don’t know why the iPad isn’t working properly’. Must be an internet problem or a newspaper problem. I’ve done what I can do. We will have to try again in a couple hours- and hope he forgets. Let him think it’s not him since he isn’t capable of recognizing it’s him.
Rinse and repeat for everything that doesn’t work.
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Good suggestion - and he will forget for a while, at least. Thank you!
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Don't be in such a hurry to fix things for him. Be encouraging and positive and tell him you are smart you will figure it out. And he will give up the task in frustration or seek your help. As soon as he starts any negative talk, tell him ok you got this. Don't argue. Stay calm and don't try to correct or teach him anything. Condition him with positive re-enforcement. The more negative he gets the more obnoxiously positive you get. That is how I manage with my wife. She doesn't respond well to negativity at all but she responds well to obnoxious positivity. When my wife is being negative I change rooms. She wants to be with me all the time so I use that to my advantage by saying I can't hang around with you being negative and she gets it. Arguing and bickering is a habit some mentally aware couples do their whole lives. That all stops once one of you starts losing their minds to this disease.
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Peg this is hard stage and lasts a long time--maybe indefinitely. It's very hard to bite your tongue, but there's nothing else you can do. My partner is now in memory care and we still have such discussions. I mentioned to her the other day that I had had to have a minor surgical procedure, and she was made that I hadn't told her (I had) and that she needed to go with me for such things (not even a remote possibility). There's just no response, logic is out the window. I find myself just blabbing to make conversation, but the fact is that there is no communication, she just likes to hear me talk so that a pretense of interaction is maintained.
Helps to get your head around the fact that nothing you will do will rectify the situation. I think though that this is qualitatively different from the manspeaking you experienced in the workplace. I hold those folks responsible and accountable and able to have insight and behave differently. So frustrating that you can't do the same with your DH now.
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Peg, this is such a hard one. My DH is the same. Everything is my fault; he is guilty of nothing. I think Bill's suggestion to refuse to participate in the negativity is a good one. That's a choice that you can make without having to say, "you're right" when he's not. My new goal is to try to get through every day without an argument. Most days I don't make it, but I'm trying. It's all we can do.
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If it makes you feel any better, my partner and I are both women and we have similar conversations.
My latest insight on all of this comes after a 3-week visit to see her sister. Sister didn't understand how far she had progressed and pushed for the long visit, and my partner was railroaded into agreeing. I loved the respite, she hated being away from home and showed her sister what this disease has really done to her. When she came home, she had picked up some respiratory virus and basically slept it off for a week and still felt lousy for a second week -- which gave me the chance to reset some behaviors and look at the cause of some others with a fresh eye.
Example: Typically I'd ask if she wants some lunch, and I would get one of several super snarky responses and would often respond in a similar manner. Changed behavior = I make lunch, including something I think she'll eat and something I want her to eat (grilled cheese sandwich with some apple slices), and put it in front of her and not even comment on it. She will eat it, and sometimes even tell me it's good. No discussion, no opportunity to disagree. If she says she's not hungry, my response is something like "that's ok, you had breakfast sort of late, why don't you put it in the fridge for later" or "yeah, I don't always want to eat when I'm sick." Respond to the feelings, not the content. Calm voice. The calm voice has also been a game changer. If I don't rise to the bait, she doesn't escalate (ask me again in a few more weeks!)
Anxiety sets her off. Frustration sets her off. Anticipated transitions set her off. Change against her will sets her off. Once she's started an angry riff, she'll spin on it for a few minutes or a few days. She still gets texts from Walgreens about her prescriptions (gotta change that) and yesterday they texted that her insurance wasn't going to cover something. She freaked out, I took care of it, she could have gone into the spin about "I don't want to take any of these medications any more" but I broke it off by saying "if insurance doesn't cover this, of course we'll talk to Dr about taking something else or maybe going off it." Unlikely, but it shut down the reaction after a couple of repeats. I've also learned to just not tell her about the things that will cause problems. She hates the fact that we have house cleaners twice a month, so now I try to get us out of the house to do some errand when I know they're coming. This week I got a 5 minute reaction instead of a 2-hour reaction - progress!
All this to say - I think you have to be in the drivers seat now, but don't let your husband realize that not only are you driving but you're taking care of the vehicle, the route, the road, and everything else. Let him think he's in control of a few things and then just quietly do the rest behind the scenes. When he blames you, you deflect it to a third anonymous party ("that new app must have some bugs in it") and move on. You're not giving in and letting him boss you around (this disease is bossing all of us around), you're not being subservient to him even though it probably feels that way, you're doing what you need to do to keep the peace so you don't get any more stressed than you have to.
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Peg,
I'm in same boat. My DH is negative 60% of the day seems like. It is very hard to bite your tongue that much...mine is SWOLEN! LOL I try to find laughter in every day, it helps me. He is alienating his friends every week, they can take breaks by not answering the phone...but we can't. He was just started on Namenda, the last med we can try. The other ones side effects were terrible!! Prayers for you and us all dealing with this disease!
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Dear Pat,
One thing that helps me cope with negative, argumentative/behavior is to remind myself that he has brain damage so it doesn't become personal for me. The members has some very helpful suggestions I hope will work for you. I believe this disease is worse for the caregivers because they know what is going on and bear the full load of caregiving plus everything else. I tried to retreat to my bedroom and read, take naps or take walks. It helps to clear my mind. Pat, I pray that you are able to cope with this situation and find peace and comfort.
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Peg, I can fully understand how you must have felt in the workplace. Maybe you should have asked why it was you who was expected to get the coffee (yes, I'm all for women's equality). But that's a different situation from the one you are now in. I think you absolutely have to remind yourself that he has a brain disease. I know it's easy to think they are just being difficult, but that's not really the problem. The problem IS the diseased brain. Once you get that clear in your head, you will no longer feel the pressure to "be right". Keep reminding yourself that that is a losing battle. You'll have to come up with some excuse other than that it's his shortcomings causing the problem. The app was written wrong, there is a problem with communication with the paper, Just anything other than that it falls on him. Write an email to yourself, or have someone else send it, explaining that there is an ongoing problem with the app, and they're working on it. Show it to him, then try to change the subject. "Let's go in and have a piece of pie and some ice cream". Anything that might sound enticing to him.
FWIW, when my wife started to have problems like that with the computer, or the remote control ("we need a new TV"), it didn't last forever. She eventually quit trying to use the computer, but problems with the remote took a little longer.
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Thank you all for your comments! M1 - you really helped me by reminding me that the men I dealt with in the workplace had the capacity to know better, but my DH really doesn't. And the rest of you - all of the suggestions are so good, and am going to try them all out. I am trying to fix everything for him and not deflecting a little bit to let him keep trying. I have let my anxiety over his illness keep me from just slowing down. I keep thinking about how bad it might get, instead of just handling it a day at a time. We are going out to play 9 holes of golf in a little while, and I am going to make a special effort to enjoy the time together and ignore all of the comments about what is wrong with my golf game!! My new mantra - just smile and nod!
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I do alot of behind the scenes as well....we have to!
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I feel for you Palmetto Peg! Emotionally this is one of the hardest things for me. By the end of a day I am emotionally drained even just ignoring his comments.My HWD always wants to be the smartest in the room and he doesn’t ask for help. Zoloft has helped him not be as indignant with my assistance when I do have to intervene. Hugs to you for continued strength
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Palmetto Peg-
I am sorry you are struggling with this behavior.
My own mother struggled as you are. Dad was already a misogynist heading into dementia; the damage to his brain rendered him even more arrogant and insufferable. For a time, my mom took it very personally. He had always had the upper hand in the relationship and was attempting to maintain it without the having the cognitive bandwidth to be a full participant in running their lives. She was not a happy camper and lashed out at him which only escalated his behavior which only made her angrier.
What helped her-
This article-
Smashwords – Understanding the Dementia Experience - A book by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller - page 1
We found her a psychiatrist and talk therapist to help her with her reactions to the life style changes Demtia brought.
I found her an IRL support group that helped her appreciate that there really were better strategies for manipulating dad's moods and behavior.
Disappearing triggers that caused him frustration. He sold his car. I removed his phone and laptops; I told him the phone was lost and that the laptops was out for a repair under warranty to prevent him buying yet another one. I put parental controls on the TV and changed the WiFi as needed.
We also got dad properly medicated. He was anxious and agitated. A cocktail of psychoactive meds didn't completely eradicate the behavior, but it did take the edge off so that we could use validation and redirection more effectively.
But I think the thing that helped her most was understanding that she had more control over dad's mood than he did.
HB
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HB, thanks for the link. My link no longer worked. But when you follow your link, you cannot click on the options given. They don't work. You have to use the arrow keys at the bottom of the page to go to the next page. These do not work.
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I am 100% there with you ! I recently noticed that my DH seemed to get a kick out telling me how wrong I am and how right and wonderful he is. I stopped helping him. It didn't take long, I would just tell him he already knows the answer to OR how to, then I would walk away. He got really frustrated at not being able to do whatever and was then ready to accept my help without the usual cut downs. BTW - I often get accused of cutting him down. I know his brain is broken, but why DH has to be so ornery is beyond me.
I just thought of one other thing which may help. Order the print version of the newspaper. When he questions, remind him that they are having trouble with the website. I started this several years ago. One hurdle cleared.....Next.
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That's really a good tip. Thanks for passing it on!
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Feeling the same here! DH was always a controlling person. Finally put my foot down 20 years ago things got a bit better. Now with his VD he’s worse than ever. I feel as if I have nothing the way I fought so hard for - my house is once again a mess - papers everywhere, clothes hung over chairs, dishes, drinks etc. left wherever he wants to leave them and why? Because he wants to and sees nothing wrong with it. Forget about asking him to please eat at the table or it would be a help to me if you hung your coat up - he tells me “ Stop yelling at me”. He’s even started to get agitated when I clean the house or repair something in the house! Why are you doing that? You never told me you were going to assemble the patio table today! I did tell him but I also don’t need his permission! He’s not happy when I do what he wants me to do and he’s not happy when … well he just can’t be pleased . Yes I do understand it’s his brain but how do I keep who I am still alive!
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I got a chuckle reading your comments. Thank you because I rarely get to chuckle. I deal with a mother but it’s the same scenario. I know nothing til she panics, then I get a call. As soon as I get the flames doused a little I start being instructed and know nothing. Wish I could get better at chuckling when it is occurring to me. I’m trying but not very successful
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Hello Peg, there has been some excellent input given. This was also a difficult dynamic for me. I learned what to do and not to do and to remind myself it was the broken brain at fault and not to engage . . . but every once in awhile I forgot myself and would respond in a factual manner blurting it out which was the trigger to hours of upset. It was a longer learning curve on that one
I also learned to say "I'm sorry that is happening, how frustrating that must be", . . . or . . . . "how angry that must make you feel; I'd feel that way too . . " That is called validating feelings and it can sometimes stop a rant. Validating feelings behind the words rather than responding to the words themselves can be helpful. When validating, afterward if necessary it is often good to refocus the person onto something else if that can be done . . ."Oh, look out the window at that squirrel . . . or . . .Guess what, did you hear Sally is going to have a baby (or whatever) . . . or . . . let's go in the kitchen and get some coffee and cookies." It gets the brain refocused and stops being stuck on the negative item.
You get the idea. We are only human; we can do our very best and succeed much of the time, but there are sometimes lapses; as said, we are human and it happens.
I also learned early on that less information is best. To give information or share items not necessary can be triggers for negative behavior. An example of that was just given by M1 regarding giving information that a small surgical procedure was going to be done setting off negative outcome. That was another thing I had to learn the hard way . . . less information is more and sometimes using "therapeutic fibs" to get things ratcheted down or to get something accomplished is a kindness to our Loved One (LO) and not a moral lapse.
There may come a time that the behaviors are so florid and frequent no matter how we try and we can see it is significantly upsetting to our LO causing them upset and beginning to affect the quality of their life. When we see this, it is a good idea to let the dementia specialist or primary care MD; whoever who is managing the dementia care, know what is happening and that it is a persistent problem issue. There are medications that can be prescribed that can be very helpful.
We are all on a learning ladder and it takes time. Sending best wishes and warm thoughts your way,
J.
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I loved all the responses - thank you so much! JC5 - I can totally identify with you! I have always kept a nice, tidy home, and now there is his stuff everywhere! And forget about the toothpaste in the sink! It is going to be a learning process for me to just let stuff go. I try to put things away when he is sleeping, because if I try while he is awake he accuses me of "hiding his stuff". What a life! I also read the article that Harshed Buzz recommended. Everything helps!
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This thread is exactly on target for me. I found many useful tips.
It's just that I am a very 'accurate' person so that letting go of communicating with accuracy is the hardest thing for me. I need to be positive and kind. My DH doesn't comprehend 'accuracy' and resists any attempt I make to clarify his inaccurate understanding.
DH doesn't need to 'understand', and he really can't understand so much now. Now I am mostly very sad and grieving.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your wisdom, experience and feelings on this forum.
Elaine
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I totally get this. My DH is the same. If I try to “correct “ him it tends to get heated. Learning to curb that instinct is hard especially where I raised three kids.
love this website and the people on here!
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It is certainly a practice in letting go of old patterns!
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Hi Jo C
I am with you on reminding myself that less is actually more now. I still work full time and sometimes need to vent. Problem is DH tries to “solve “ the problem which makes everything worse. I just need that ear not a lecture on what he thinks is going on. Unfortunately now when he get loud now one of my dogs is going to his bed to “get away “.
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Great information here, may use some of the tips! I too have quit giving "too" much information. It only serves to give him fodder for an argument.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
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DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
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ES = Early Stage
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