My husband has Alzheimer's disease and I kept him at home for as long as I possibly could, I have tremendous guilt !! Our son said to me "Mom, I have already lost my dad, I don't want to lose my Mom". All friends and family have told me I kept him home longer than I should have.......but I am ridden with guilt and it's going to kill me anyways!
Cheryl,
My mom struggled with my dad for 8 years and I told her the same thing "I have already lost my dad, I don't want to lose my Mom". EVERYONE told my mom "I have no clue how you did it for so long". She hurt herself by helping him and went into a dark place that wasn't helping either of them.
You are human and can only help him so much. This is such a horrible, unforgiving disease and you did the best you could, but the disease is winning.
I wrote this below to help people and to know that they are not alone.
https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65224/what-a-journey-and-losing-a-father-to-alz#latest
Cheryl,
You did the best you could! While the decision to place him was difficult, you made the decision because it was the right thing to do, not just for him but both of you. Yes, the guilt will gnaw at you. The sadness will hit you hard. But the healing will begin. Your will to live shall overcome all else. Let time work its magic. Hugs...
Hugs Cheryl. I know just how you feel. I placed my DH 15 months ago. Placement is hard. But know it isn't giving up. There's now a whole group of people around him who have experience with dementia, and can guide you on what's best for him. Your role hasn't changed - you're still taking care of him. You just have help now.
And you can sleep at night. I love sleep.
Hi Cheryl, I know what you are feeling. My 82-year-old mother with Dementia refused to go to a nursing home. I was bathing her, helping her clean herself because she made a huge mess when she did #2. She no longer knew her dirty clothes from her clean clothes. She would say things that totally didn't make sense. She wouldn't sleep and I had to put a camera in her room. The maintenance men had to put a lock on the door because she kept saying she was going to run into the street so a car could kill her. Many other awful experiences. She fell and tore a ligament on her left knee and left hip. She was hospitalized for 5 days and then sent to a Rehabilitation Ctr. I had no idea it was also a Nursing facility for long term care. I had to apply to see if they would accept my mom and then it killed me and it still does when I go visit her every other day. However, deep inside I did everything possible, and I will never abandon her. I promised to be with her like I was with my daddy until his last breath. My DH has Alzheimer's and I know one day I will have to do the same with him. Take deep breaths and do the right thing no matter your feelings and emotions. Visit him so you know that when his day comes to pass you have done everything right by him, by you and your son. Prayers go out to you and your family.
Cheryl, Your feelings are completely normal. I believe placement is more difficult for the spouse than it is for the PWD, at least it was in my case. I placed my wife 18 months ago and I struggled with guilt & loneliness even though DW acclimated to The MCF very well. Today I can see that it was the best decision for DW, she is well cared for and has much more social engagement than I could have ever provided at home. For me having a therapist to talked out my feelings with was a huge help in adjusting to my new reality. Don’t be to hard on yourself!
Cheryl, welcome to the forums. I wish you didn't need them, but there is a lot of help to be had here. Guilt is something that is very common, and it does no good. There is no upside to it. There are reasons people are in facilities, and those are the things we have to keep in mind. We shouldn't be glad when it comes to this point. But there is no reason we can't enjoy other aspects of our lives. Yes, it's hard to do, but with time you'll be able to enjoy living. Just try to do the best you can for a while, and I promise things will get better.
Cheryl I totally get it. I placed my dw of 45 years last yr. It is normal to feel those feelings, but don't live there. You really did the best thing you could do. His care and safety has been and still is your first priority. But now you need to shift a little to taking care of you. Really let go of those feeling and focus on you now!
It's so hard but it does get a little easier with time. Your Love for your dh is obvious to us all in having made the toughest decision anyone could make. Take a deep breath and then another, then look forward to today. There is lots of life to live still. I know I have to choose to live life every single day with the fact that I lose my dw a little each day, I choose to sing and smile, just doing the best I can in the midst of sadness, I am not gonna let Alzheimers take me down. Don't let it take you down!
Stewart
Hello. I toured a Memory Center yesterday. I cannot believe that will not be able to care for my DH until he passes. But, I know that I cannot care for him at all if I am exhausted and become ill. We are not yet at the placement stage but I hope to come here for support when/if that time comes. I send you my heartfelt compassion .....Anne
Hi. I feel just like you do. My DH is going to a facility tomorrow and this is happening way too fast. The guilt is killing me!! My daughter has lost her father and I've lost my DH and best friend. No one understands what this feels like. There was no way I could keep my DH home any longer as the behaviors got worse. Watching someone you love -- go downhill without realizing it themself, is totally devistating to say the least.
