My DH called me a name today...

Diane I’m sorry you are having to go through this. It’s never easy to hear your love one calling you hateful names. Like Mr Ed said meds sometimes can help. I know they helped my dh. For way too many years we went through what you are doing now, I just say this because if you make it through this horrible stage there will be different ones to come. My dh no longer calls me names but now I can’t get out of his sight. This is a horrible disease so you have to take care of yourself. I wish all the best for you!

I empathize with you. My husband has recently called me some pretty bad names too. I also have felt very sorry when I reacted back. Forgive yourself. There’s just so much one can take sometimes hard to separate the disease from the person in the moment

I have been trying the medication route as suggested, but have not yet found the ones that work. I am going to continue that route.

i also have one afternoon a week where I am free. I try to get together with a friend , in addition to the dr appts. Sometimes it makes me sadder as I realize what I am missing out on the other days of the week.

I wish you peace

My DW went from pleading with my every day for years not to leave her and I would hug her so very tight as I promised over and over that I would never leave her then almost overnight telling me every day to "get my fat ugly face the hell out of here before I call the cops!'

Just another phase to navigate.

@CStrope risperidone and escitalopram. He had been on trazodone but it gave him crazy nightmares.

@Jeanne C. the risperidone made my hubby so anxious

@Drapper the Seroquel made my husband too foggy too, he was wandering into the wrong bedrooms in the middle of the night and urinating in the most random places. I was not a fan of waking up to those messes in the morning

@SDianeL remember if they do ultimately diagnose him with FTD the Memantine is useless and may even make symptoms worse

Diane, 

You mentioned in another post that you were thinking of stopping your once a week respite care. You said,

    “But now I have nowhere to go and if I went I would feel guilty and it's no fun going by yourself. I'm thinking about cancelling the respite care but afraid to do because it's so difficult to get approved and find a new person. I don't think he would do well at day care.”

Dementia has changed us all through no fault of our own. I think guilt is an emotion that we bring on ourselves and is something we need to conquer so as not to lose ourselves in our LOs dementia. I think if we can focus more on empathy, then the guilt will subside. We want the best for our partner, and we need to acknowledge that we are just as important as they are. If they could reason, they would want happiness for us too. 

I’ve been sole caregiver for my DH for eight or nine years. We also traveled in our RV for many years. I haven’t been able to give that up so I learned everything I could about it and took over all the driving, tow hook up, maintenance, planning, packing, unpacking, etc. I hope I have one or two more trips in me, but I recognize that it is an overwhelming thing for me to do by myself. I used to go to an occasional movie by myself, because he had lost interest. He’s required so much assistance with every little thing lately that I started feeling trapped in a conundrum. Even though I have made numerous adaptations to this life, I still hide some anger and frustration within me. However, he is very susceptible to my mood and reactions so I really try to keep my halo on straight.

I have toured a nearby care center and I can picture a little sparkle in my life from knowing I can share some of my responsibility with others. The husband I previously knew would have reacted negatively if I dropped him off for a bit and left. I’m not sure how he will respond now, but in a few weeks I will be doing just that. I’m not discussing it ahead of time with him.

I’m saying this because the chronicity of caregiving can just wear you out. I think you may start relying more and more on your afternoon off just to step outside the situation for a little bit and make some kind of life for yourself.

Diane,

Yep, I’m a little apprehensive about dropping him off. However, I need to know I have options. I’ve been feeling smothered at times and even though I indulge in many things I can do at home (practice my piano, color in adult coloring books (although I am not a snowflake), listen to Yanni and Secret Garden stations which helps us both stay calm), I am always there for his every little need and want. The name calling stage was pretty horrific. I have a large house with plenty of places to isolate myself from him. For the last half a year, his need for my micromanaging him is wearing me out. On the plus side, he has become very affectionate and more cooperative. I do sense a hidden feeling of desperation from him, but when I ask he says he is happy.

Going to the book store is a wonderful way to relax. There used to be a great one nearby, but it closed a few years ago. I experience occasional soothing moments. The other day I was looking up into the expansive beautiful blue sky and watched a flock of birds high up dancing in waves across the sky. They would float forward and then backward with much grace. When they went backwards, the sun would reflect on their white feathers. I felt inner calm and gratitude as I took this all in.

Taking on the full time responsibility of another human adult is indeed daunting. It is hard to not lose ourself in their dementia so finding the right balance is very important. That’s why my next step is Adult Day Care. I’ve been feeling the dementia life is tipping the scales.

Sending Virtual Hugs

Valerie

My DH has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's. He's only 71. I am his only caregiver. He sleeps or rests in bed most of the day. Sometimes he goes for walks. I can usually track him which he doesn't know. He's usually in a decent mood though he does yell at me and tell me to go away. I've gotten used to this. Recently when I went upstairs into our bedroom I found him sitting on the edge of our bed, fully dressed. When I went further into the bathroom I found he had had a huge bowel movement on the edge of our large tub/shower rim on top of towels. He never had even cleaned himself up after it. A week later he was walking around in our bedroom with the lights off. When I came into the room and turned the lights on he peed on himself and was shocked. The next day I came home from grocery shopping and went up to our bedroom to see how he was doing (he's had a bad cold) and he had peed all over the cedar floor of our walk in closet. Never changed his clothes. Found more pee on the tile floor downstairs.. As I was cleaning up the messes he went outside for a walk in his wet boxers. I'm thinking perhaps he is now incontinent. But for 2 days since it hasn't happened. Had him checked for dehydration and UTI both negative. For his dementia he is on Levetiracetam, as he had a seizure years ago, Galantamine and Escitalopram. He's been having more and more delusions/hallucinations such as waking me up at 4 AM yelling that there were snakes under our bed. His doctor thinks he should start on an antipsychotic such as Trazadone or increasing escitalopram or adding memantine. I have been able to leave him alone for several hours at a time as he usually just lays in bed. Sometimes I'll put a DVD on for him if he wants me to. His doctor is concerned about my safety with his increase in delusions/halluncinations. He also won't shower and the smell is getting pretty bad. I checked out several day care places but there is no way he would go. Most participants were females, elderly and slumped in their wheelchairs. The activities that they do he would never attempt. I guess my question is what experience does anyone have with all these medications. There is a black box warning on the Trazadone. I'm also going to look into getting a "companion" 1 - 2 days a week as I don't think I can leave him alone for much longer. Thanks

I'm glad you were able to find a good facility. That is such a difficult decision and one I will have to make at some point. I do have that book on my Kindle and haven't really looked at it in years since back then most of it didn't seem to apply to us yet. But I guess it does now. Perhaps it doesn't really matter if he is incontinent or disoriented as the end result is still pretty much the same. I too was planning on keeping him at home with me caring for him as long as possible. I'm 74 and both our kids live on the mainland so I don't have any help.

Looks like Day Care several times a week maybe a lot cheaper than having someone come in but i doubt he'll go. However, the Day Care places informed me that a lot of their clients start off that way and then start looking forward to it. So we shall see. Reminds me of years ago when we would want to go out for dinner with some friends but had to find a babysitter first and the combined cost made it almost not worth it.

He has had a bad cold and I think that inflammation may have added to his disorientation. Of course, I now am coming down with one. His hygiene or lack of it is why I'm getting sick. He'd wipe his runny nose on our towels and whatever. Had to cancel an appointment with a Notary today as I couldn't get him out of bed. He was very combative when I tried. Perhaps I will give the OK to the doctor to prescribe the antipsychotic although not sure if he will take it.

Every day is an adventure of sorts.

I found a caregiver on Care dot com, to come over a couple afternoons a week. Very helpful to get a break. My DH cannot remember where the toilet is, how to shut doors, including the refrigerator's, how to wash his hands and turn off the water, how to talk intelligibly, etc so he cannot be left alone at all. My DH was wary at first and waved him away, but by the third visit, the caregiver seems to have earned his respect, and it is looking like it will work out. We have to been able to avoid using medications so far. I talk to him, even though I know he does not understand most of it.