Years to go. Dementia is so SLOW.

This has to be a really really hard thing to handle for you. At some point you'll have to let go, and try to have a life. I know that's easier said than done. But your life is worth something too. I'm sorry it's so hard listening to your heart and your brain when they're not on the same page.

Josey, I sympathize a lot. My partner still very much knows who I am and over the last month, since we switch facilities, i have spent more time with her in MC than I probably spent with her in all of last year. I can visit every day, practically, so am there 5/7 mostly (minus the two weekdays that I work). I want to be there because she wants me there---but yes, it is wearing. It is such a nice change from last year, when I couldn't visit at all---but now it's the other extreme, and I have not yet found the happy medium. She will only let me help her bathe--and I'm glad to do it, but at some point she is going to need to get used to the aides there helping her. And while I had to much time on my hands last year with no motivation to do anything, now i feel emotionally much better, but am scrambling to keep up with everything I need to do and visit her also. It's a 45-minute trip each way.

I am glad she doesn't have much sense of time--if I tell her I will be there tomorrow, she doesn't really know the difference if it's the next day. For you, maybe there's some mercy in his not knowing. There's just no easy way to do this. You do need to live your life.

Dear Josey, thank you for your post. I, too, have recently placed my DH in a memory care center. He is not adjusting well and I find I have the need to still be his strongest supporter and loudest cheerleader. After being married for 57 years and working our way through many challenges together, this is the most separate we have ever been in trying to make sense of our life. I, too, have a very difficult time staying away from visiting him most everyday--and the trouble is, once I get to the center and see him, I need to stay not only for him but for myself as well. On his bad days I want to be there to make it a little easier for him; on his good days I want to be there to share that time with him. I asked the memory care center if it is better for me to stay away in order for him to gain some familiarity and comfort without me being in the picture. I get two different opinions: (1) it might be easier for him to accept the new without my being a reminder of the old. This would also give the staff the opportunity to interact with him without his looking to me to help answer questions and give him assistance in his needs. (2) This is a very difficult time for both partners. Visit as often as it is necessary for both of us to feel calm and connected. I feel none of us know how long we will live whatever age we are and I don't want to ever look back on wasted opportunity. Having said all of that, I understand your yearning to start living your life in a way that is authentic to you. I somehow thought it would be easier to put all faith and trust in the memory care center and be able to step away from being the caregiver. I was wrong. I am trying to live one day at a time. I, from time to time, take a day off from visiting and find that doesn't relieve my heart; it doesn't know how to take a day off. Yet. But both you and I will continue working on this challenge. Best of luck to you!

Josey, you expressed exactly how I feel. My wife just finished her first year in MC and while she still knows me, I'm noticing that she doesn't smile as much when she sees me and even seems detached while I'm visiting every 2-3 days. Today while I spoke to a nurse about my wife's swollen wrist, I watched as she casually wandered to her "place" on the sofa in the TV room and didn't pay any attention when I left. That is a major change just in the past week or two.

I have so many mixed emotions I'm not sure I will ever straighten them all out. But I fully realize I have lost her. Now I must take care of me and get on with the years I have left. And, yes, easier said than done!

This book helped me realize there is no longer a "we". Now it is "me" and I'm determined to have a life I've been missing since dementia took my best friend. The book title is Neither Married Nor Single by Dr. David Kirkpatrick.

.

I placed my DW in memory care 6 weeks ago after caring for her at home for three years. She was diagnosed with MCI 2 1/2 years ago but I knew something was amiss months earlier. She is now at the beginning of stage 7 and mostly non communicative. She’s only 70 and we’ve been married for almost 50 years. I still see her almost everyday. I’ve also hired private caregivers to supplement her care for 6 to 7 hours day. My DW has adjusted very well to her new home exceeding my wildest expectation. She settled in from day one and is never upset when I leave. She still knows me and smiles when she sees me. The staff said she laughs all the time. It helps me to see her daily and warms my heart when she smiles when she sees me. She is healthy otherwise and we may be looking at years at MCF. However, given her rapid progression, I expect we’re looking at months and not years.

I just ordered “Neither Married Nor Single” by Dr. David Kirkpatrick. Thank you for the recommendation. I’d like to move on with my life and have a friend who is helping me but being neither married or single is a hurdle we can’t get over yet. Hopefully we’ll get some guidance from the book.

I have been on this road 13 years DW has been in a facility for 5 1/2 years. 5 years since she had the slightest idea of who I am. And please don't say "she is in there and just cant talk"

I am just back from a 3 week cruise and semi work trip to Germany and Norway. I Facetimed with DW almost every day even from North of the arctic circle. no change. Saw her yesterday. she is well cared for.

My daughters want me to have a life. Cruises are nice for that. I went to Nuremburg to study how the Nazis came to power . it is really something to stand in in the court room where the trials took place. It made me think about life and suffering and death. I met with a colleague who lost his wife in January. We had dinner on the Rhine. Life goes on no matter what