Memory Care Placement - Assisted Living ??

Diane, the first facility where my partner was (we just recently moved at the end of April) had a couple living on the memory care unit--like your situation, it was the husband with dementia and I think his wife just wanted to be with him. I know no more details than that, i didn't see them very often. But with enough lead time, you might find a facility willing to accommodate you. Or that might have independent/assisted living in the same facility, so that you could at least be close even if you didn't spend the night in the same bedroom.

It's hard to speak to your situation with some particulars.

Where I live, there are many dementia-appropriate facilities. In some parts of the country, there may be waiting lists for certain types of care.

In my state, Medicaid does not fund MC, so a person would need to go to a SNF if care was needed and the PWD did not have assets to cover their care. Some of the nicer SNFs, do have waiting lists for their Medicaid beds. My top choice for dad was a state-run veteran's home which typically has about a 6 month wait. In the neighboring state where Medicaid does fund MC, there are wait lists for the limited MC-funded beds and priority is given to current residents who have been self-pay for 2-3 years and who now need Medicaid funding.

What Corrie seems to be describing is a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) as opposed to an age-restricted 55+ community. These can be a great option. One of the men in my mom's IRL support group lived in a lovely one near me. He started out with his wife in an independent apartment and dining in the main dining room for lunch and dinner. They had weekly housekeeping and optional laundry services. The community had scheduled buses for run to shopping and outings and private cars available for an additional fee to go to other appointments and such. When she needed more care, she moved to their SNF which made it easy for them to eat together and make use of the pool and walking trails. The potential downsides are that they generally have a hefty entrance or buy-in fee. One my uncle suggested would have been close to $600K for a faux Victorian cottage with additional monthly fees of per person based on their needs. Another caveat is that some of these CCRCs do have an entrance exam to weed out PWD. The reason for this is 2-fold-- they want to present themselves as offering carefree living (and most seniors aren't interested in interacting with PWD they don't know) and it contains their costs by not having to provide dementia-level care to more than an average number of residents.

AL is an option. TBH, a hospitality-model AL isn't going to be a whole lot different than where you are now. You'd have a smallish apartment but would be providing the bulk of the hands-on care for your DH. Many do offer some meals, often there's housekeeping weekly, medication distribution and a daily well check along with scheduled transportation.

I have heard of spouses moving into a MCF with their LO but it's pretty rare unless both parties have dementia. At dad's MCF, there were a couple double rooms; the monthly fee was only about $500 less than the $7200 a private room would cost. The idea of paying almost $15K a month to live in a place with no privacy does not appeal. YMMV.

HB

I took care of my DH who has Alzheimer's for 4 yrs. We moved to a place that had independent living, assisted living and memory care. I am still in our independent living apartment and I had to move him to memory care 10 mo ago. He is in the bldg next to me and I visit him everyday. His rent is $ 5200 , and mine for a 1 bedroom is $ 2250. so it is a hefty bill every month. I don't think a person who does not have memory problems would even be allowed to live in memory care. I would suggest you check out what is available in your area for a memory care place near where you currently live. As you know this does not get better and I truly think if I had continued to take care of my DH 24/ 7 I would have suffered major health issues.You may be in better shape and he may not be as bad shape as my DH was. He is 93 and I am 83. If your d-i-l mentioned looking into a MC place and she is a nurse, she may have more of an objective perspective than what you have. Always good to have a plan B before your health is affected. I am relieved not to have to be on 24/7 alert and the MC help have been a life saver. Hopefully you can find a place near where you presently live.

I moved my husband to memory care a year ago. He was already having times of not recognizing me. Now he just knows I am a familiar face but not more special than his caregivers. Once he stops recognizing you it becomes easier to leave him. My husband never asked about our home or our daughter or our dog once he moved. It will be much harder on you than him but your family want to have you around for as long as possible. Take care of yourself and remember to feel no guilt for your choices. You are important. You deserve to have happiness during the rest of your life. You did not cause his dementia. Don’t let dementia take down two people.