What to do. Need a sounding board

PWDs have anosognosia. Also alcoholics have some degree of it. Do not wait around for him to realize that things are falling apart. Take steps that the members suggest. Is he self employed? Is he working with power tools and saws? You have to get some control over finances.

Sherry, allowing him to drive (if that is the case) is playing Russian Roulette. Drinking while driving AND driving with dementia are both things that you can be held responsible for. In the worse case scenario, it won't make much difference whose names are on the accounts. They will be closed out to pay court ordered damages.

Sherry ,

My comment concerns the alcoholism. I write as a recovering alcoholic, and I believe that total absence is the only way to sobriety. The program is built around not taking the "first drink". One drink always leads to the craving for more. I would treat the alcoholism by either treatment or that he be referred to Alcohol Anonymous. If he refuses to go, I suggest that you go to some Alanon meetings (designed for those who live with alcoholics.) I believe that one drink leads to the craving for more and the alcoholic is unable to stop.

My heart goes out to you as it sounds to me that you are dealing with two terminal progressive diseases, and I urge you to follow the suggestions for caring for yourself. As the dementia progresses, I would try to eliminate the alcohol completely.

Welcome back, Sherry. You are in a tough spot. However, you will have to become more assertive. A person with dementia will never consciously stop drinking because they just don't remember to stop drinking. No matter how much they proclaim that they want to stop or will stop. As for finances and the business, YOU have to get control, one way or another. Both dementia and alcoholism are progressive diseases. The outcome is predictable. Take steps now before it's too late.

Iris

Sherry, women are like tea bags--you never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water!

You can do this, Sherry! Keep taking deep breaths, put one foot in front of the other, and go forth! Keep posting, there is much support here.

Iris

I am sorry you are facing this, but glad you are engaging here. You will get very wise, experienced recommendations from people who have nothing to gain except knowing that we are helping, just as others helped us.

My strong suggestion is that you do not tell DD everything you are thinking or seeing. Nor your DH. Please get the Durable Power of Atty docs done now. Do not share the decision-making responsibilities. It just complicates things, and especially because you and DD are not on the same page - the stakes will only get higher.

Driving is another thing that had to be secretly stopped at my house. DH has anosognosia, from very early on. Nothing anyone could say, would have convinced him he had a driving problem. Or a thinking problem. So, I stopped wasting my breath, and disappeared his car after months of attempts to disable it, etc. And on diagnosing Dr's advice, we got the legal stuff done ASAP. So glad I did. Long story I won't go into all the details now, but just know that many, many adult stepchildren decide you are the enemy as this situation progresses.

You can do the caregiving and dirty work with no help for a long time, but sooner or later any assets or property may be perceived as their potential inheritance which they want you to have no part of. I am in that very situation myself and even with POAs done early, they are challenging them in court. It is infuriating and so pathetic. But in their minds 2nd wives especially, can be seen as reducing part of what they have a "right to". We are people of very modest means. It doesn't matter, they see dollar signs and a house, and they want all that they can get. This is a fairly recent development so, like you, I had been discussing lots with them for years, and trying to include them but in hindsight that was a mistake.

There are several such stories on these boards that should make you RUN, not walk, to the nearest attorney or notary and get this done before the week is out. It is important enough to take some time off, as Iris suggested. Maybe you can get some FMLA time? Repeating, I would not discuss with DD as it really is not her decision but also you could end up regretting it. We can't emphasize enough, please get the DPOA done while he is still competent to do so. With alcohol abuse in the mix, his decline can happen quickly and with lots of witnesses or events that suggest he needs someone different to take control of property and person if you can't (or won't) do what is needed.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. This forum is lots of gratitude and many praise reports too, but when we share our worst experiences, it is not to discourage -- it is so you can avoid some of the same mistakes or pitfalls. You can do this. First things first. A certified elder law attorney if possible. And don't overly discuss with DH either. Dementia is notorious for getting cold feet at the last minute. Just matter of fact set the appointment, head out to lunch with a stop at the appointment first as if it's not a big deal, give him credit for the idea, prep the atty in advance, etc. etc. Just do it. Good luck!