Denial

The above is excellent advice Henry. I understand the feeling and remember those early stages. You have to quit trying to reason with her, and this is hard: because your natural instinct is to engage with your spouse, and now you have to learn not to. And that means that you are already losing her, in a fashion, and moving away from her in your own mind, and that changes the relationship from balanced partnership to caregiver/care recipient.

Does she have a primary care doc that she likes and trusts? That person could be an ally for you, at least in terms of doing some basic things to rule out anything treatable (generally done with blood work, and brain imaging). Reporting of the symptoms should come from you, and in writing--she doesn't think anything is wrong, and this is common: it's when the families complain that the docs know they are dealing with real disease. With my partner, we did some brief medication trials (Aricept, Namenda) through our primary care doc, both of which had intolerable side effects. We didn't do any more than that. These days the calculus is different because of the new meds--but if she won't consent, it's probably a moot point.

If you read a lot of threads here, you will learn a lot about how other folks cope and it will help, I promise. It also gives you support that she can no longer give you---and that is also part of your loss, and so, so sad, I know. We spousal caregivers end up doing many things out of love for the person we used to have a relationship with. that's the long and short of it. This is the for better, for worse and til death do us part--whether you ever took the vows or not, this is what it is.

You have gotten some wonderful information that will be very helpful

I would, as a person with a hearing problem, like to address that issue.

Please, when talking to your wife first make certain that she is aware you are speaking to her. Face your wife so that she can do some lip reading and then talk in simple sentences, slowly.

Also a good idea to have her hearing checked by a Dr not an audiologist.

I will second what cstrope said. I date my dw Alzheimers by when I got her hearing aides about 13 yrs ago. I used to think she couldn't remember because she didn't hear me. Now I know that was not the case. My dw faithfully wears her hearing aides and they do help with communication but not memory.

@Cletus

You need to get her to a doctor for the preliminary bloodwork to rule out treatable conditions that have similar symptoms-- these can be things like hormone or vitamin deficiencies. These aren't common, but my dad's cognition improved a great deal when his vitamin deficiency was treated until he was unable to maintain the lifestyle changes/his Alzheimer's progressed. Imaging would be useful to rule out some sort of brain lesion.

Since she's resistant, stop talking to her about this and just make it happen. Some folks use "fiblets" aka therapeutic lies to get their LOs to submit to care. One that often works is an appointment to get a refill for a highly valued prescription or as a requirement to continue Medicare coverage. Since she doesn't like her current coverage, maybe you could claim the appointment is part of the process to get a new insurance plan. Other folks have gotten a reluctant spouse to the doctor under the ruse that they themselves have an appointment about which they are anxious and would like the spouse to come as moral support.

In any of these scenarios, you would contact the doctor ahead of time with a bulleted list of the behaviors you are seeing and any other relevant information. Bring a copy with you, just in case, to slip to the person who brings you back to the examination room. I used to sit behind dad at his appointments so I could discretely signal his doctor when he was self-reporting utter nonsense.

I was unable to get my mom to push to get dad evaluated for almost a decade. This folly nearly killed her as he was unable to be her advocate when she had a medical crisis. She finally agreed and then dad had a recurrence of his prostate cancer which distracted them. I'd made an appointment at a memory center, but dad had a psychotic episode before that happened and we ended up getting him diagnosed during a hospitalization for that. #0/10 do not recommend. It sounds like your DW is pretty volatile; you could use that to your advantage as a nuclear option if nothing else works. Let her get really worked up and agitated over something and have her transported to an ER with a geri psych unit for a short stay and medication management. You'll probably get a tentative diagnosis and a calmer person who will agree to a full dementia workup.

I would get her hearing checked. It might be improved with hearing aids. My mom's previously great hearing tanked in her early 80s. I can tell when she doesn't have them in or when her ears are clogged because she gets very vague and "low talks". Improved hearing might help. Or she might fight the process and not adapt to them or be to a point where her auditory processing is the problem.

I would also suggest a smart phone, asap. Better yet, an iPhone and Apple Watch combo. These are the Swiss Army Knives of dementia care. I used mine to make short videos of dad acting out to share with his doctor when his meds needed adjustment. My friend linked hers to a motion detector that allowed her to know when her mom was getting up and headed out the door in the middle of the night. I can potentially track my mom from my phone. I can use my watch to find my phone (critical when dad was in his hunter-gatherer stage and was hiding stuff). My mom's watch detects falls, so if she went down and dad couldn't call EMS, the watch would do it automatically. Plus, much of what you can do on your computer can be right there in your pocket with you.

HB

Hi Henry,

Perhaps you could stop mentioning the dementia/alz concerns. Instead just ask how she feels, how she thinks her physical condition is. Suggest that there are vitamin deficiencies, brain tumors, treatable conditions that can be resolved and that you want her to have a comfortable life. You take care of yourself and you just want her to take care of herself so she will be around.

Even express the notion that you want to make sure she is healthy in case something should happen to you. What you think would motivate her to investigate her health is where you need to steer the conversation. You will have to clue the doctor in about all of the behaviors. Ask him to do a mini-mental assessment and order an MRI at the minimum. Suggest that you would even call for the appointment and that after the visit you could go to lunch together.

Stephanie, welcome to the forum. Sorry you need it.

Put me down as another vote to read and consider Denise's post. There are many conditions that mimic dementia symptoms, and they are treatable, which means the symptoms may disappear altogether. But treatment needs to be started ASAP because if you wait too long, those conditions may no longer be treatable. I wish you luck.