Advice for DH re: positivity

Sorry for what's happening at this phase. I call them phases vs stages. Over time the anger part will cease but it will take time. I managed this phase by following advice on this forum. Just walk away for a few minutes, do NOT partake in an argument or anger. You might be seething inside at words being spoken but you have to learn to let it go, it's hard believe me. Take three deep breaths and let out slowly while you are by yourself. Go back into the room and act like nothing happened. Chances are he will not remember. Touch, kiss, a small rub on the back, anything to make physical contact to let him know you are here beside him regardless. He is probably more frustrated with the situation than angry but has to express it somehow. Take advantage of all those good things that you are still able to enjoy. Keep him active if you can, trips are good even if you pack a few sandwiches and just sit at a park table. Walk through the grocery store together and let him pick out things that you suggest. Sadly I'm at the phase where my wife doesn't know what the difference between real food and pet food. Have to show her how to eat a sandwich and use a fork.

Bless you for having patience.

Iowagirl, please read a lot of threads about driving. He does not sound like he is alert or rational enough to be behind the wheel of a vehicle. A question often asked, "would you let one of your grandchildren ride with him driving?"

Iris

With such behavior issues increasing - negativity, anger/frustration - it can be very hard for the caregiver/spouse over time. You know your situation best, but in my experience I'd do as Susan B suggests above and not wait for the appointment. Sometimes a phone message/request to the doctor can be helpful right away.

I have some thoughts to share, but I don't know which will be helpful. So I'll throw out a few of them and maybe some of it will help in some way.

My dh has similar difficulties with anger and frustration in general. Manic-depressive/bi-polar mood disorder is part of his dementia. His meds, which include an antidepressant and Seraquel (300 mg), help a lot. I've also learned to not engage much with him, my greatest sadness. When I do speak with him it's always in a calm voice and manner because he is highly sensitive to my body language and quickly loses his cool if I lose mine, even if there's only a hint of tension in my voice. (He is still highly functioning and sometimes can handle it on a good day when I clearly let him know ahead that I'm not upset with him and he doesn't need to fix anything, but I need to vent a little about something else.)

I notice my own self care becomes more crucial as his illness continues. Sometimes it's almost as if my mere presence is a trigger for his discontent. That negativity takes a toll over time. Perhaps in those moments it reminds him of how much he's lost (he has some awareness of how much he's declined). I cannot turn to him and work things through together as we did in the past. I have to let go of attempting to communicate with him and find other outlets for my own sanity. Not always easy. Often I just keep to myself, or write, or call someone, or go for a walk, watch TV, play the piano, come to this site and read.

Depending on my sense of where he is mentally-emotionally, sometimes a simple easy gesture calms him right down. If his upset hasn't progressed too far, I softly lay my hand on his arm or shoulder and say a kind word in an easy, reassuring tone, I see him visibly relax and it's amazing how it instantly turns around his agitation. The Seraquel has really given him/us back a big measure of quality of life, as that is the med that helps him regulate himself the most. (Everyone is different in how their body responds to the meds.)

I didn't mean to go on so long and hope this hasn't overwhelmed you with too much info. I wish you all the support and help you need. Best wishes....

Iowagirl, you are definitely not alone! I agree 100% with many other members that driving at a certain point is not advised any more. In a different thread, I mentioned the only way I would recommend ever that a PWD drive is with someone in the car, another licensed driver monitoring at all times. Not once a week. Even then, if something happens you are not always going to be able to intervene. But it is like the requirement when a teen has their drivers' permit. No solo driving. Sorry :(. Especially not by stage 5.

It is best to stop the driving and or at least have a professional driving assessment if you really don't feel comfortable helping him exit this role. It is hard for us to see the things that experienced evaluators can determine. I can see what a good advocate you are for your DH. This is a danger zone though and can cost you both everything, as well as harm others. It just takes one wrong move on a day that you are not riding with him, and disaster.

If he can't agree, and many cannot (my DH was one), then don't ask, don't tell. But do what is necessary to protect him and others before an accident happens. Lose the keys and the car, is my strong advice. I acted like I had no idea what happened, and even helped him look for keys, called the mechanic repeatedly to find out why the repairs were taking so long, etc., etc. Then, disappeared his car for good. He never knew I was involved. You can do what is needed, and this is one area that is urgent I'm sorry to say.

thanks for that info. My husband is on Memantine and they added Resperidone low dose at night and his agitation and anger is all day every day. Going to talk to them to get him off the Memantine. I don't really see that it's helping him focus anyway.

I am also sorry about the anger. My husband wa just put on M so I will observe him carefully.

Please. Stop the driving. My Dad hit three cars no e cause we waited too long. The perception issue is real. M6 husband stopped driving because of it. Good luck.