Repetitive Phone Calls
Hello everyone,
My DH has pretty severe aphasia. He only says a handful of words but we usually can figure out what he's trying to say. One thought that he is fixated on is the whereabouts of his truck. He calls our daughter, son, and son-in-law saying "my truck, my truck". We all have a standard answer and give it to him gently and he smiles and says, "oh yeah". He no longer gets agitated like he was for a while.
BUT, he calls them 80+ times a day. They are very patient with him but this is wearing on everyone. He uses Siri voice command to make the calls. I'm thinking of turning Siri off as I don't think he'll be able to figure out how to make the call, but what impact will that have on him? My hope is that he'll move onto some other fixation, but I'm afraid instead, he'll spiral into a really dejected state.
Any advice much appreciated.
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Can they just let the calls go to voicemail? Or are they already and he just keeps calling when they don’t answer? The latter is what my mom did for some time. Medication for anxiety and depression has helped reduce that for her.
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Oh my, 80+ times a day, he is really anxious, and I think they are the ones who may fall into a really dejected state if this continues 😐️😅
Is there a way to have an outgoing message just for him? "Hi Dad! - Truck is ok! (whatever your set answer is).
Do you use Siri for any other reason? If not, I'd turn it off and see what happens, but maybe try to give him a heads up that the phone is getting fixed? (Or something...) It could be he's just stuck in that loop and making a change may not be as traumatic as you fear.
Making that change with Siri access may just help him to get unstuck as you say, kind of like "out of sight, out of mind" works really well with most PWDs at some point.
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Disappear the phone or disconnect Siri.
The thing about obsessive behavior is that the repetition doesn't quell the anxiety even if he could recall the previous 79 calls he'd made that day. If you're worried about his mood, you could add a geriatric psychiatrist to the team. There are medications that can help with this level of anxiety.
HB
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Hi Lhuertà, I certainly can sympathize with your situation, especially your kids as I had been on the receiving end of the endless repetitive questions.
In addition to the options of turning off sirii, letting the calls go to voicemail, and blocking his number, you can also change the phone numbers on his phone so that the calls reach somewhere else instead of your son or daughter. Maybe some random unused numbers. There will still be an automated reply for him to listen to. Or change the numbers to yours and you block his calls so that they go to voicemail.
This stage will pass. Eventually he'll forget how to use the phone, and later on what the phone is for. Sad. Loss after loss.
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One more suggestion. Regarding having your husband fixate on something else to sooth his agitation and anxiety, perhaps you can find something for him to do to keep him occupied. What are/were his hobbies? What can he still do?
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I agree I would take away the phone access. I doubt that he will notice. My partner always says "call me when you get home" but doesn't even know that she doesn't have access to a phone any more.
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I'm so sorry @Lhuerta . When my sister was at that phase she did the same thing. She'd call me 30 times a day (I counted). She'd also pocket dial others. It was stressful for all concerned.
What I ended up doing was to tell her that her phone was broken and that I needed to take it to the Apple store. And that was that. I didn't think it would work, but after a few times of me saying "hmm, they're still working on it" or "they're still trying to figure out what's wrong", she forgot about it. And this was a person who was glued to her phone.
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Hello I am new here. My 83 year old brother is really struggling with certain things. I had another brother that passed in 2021 from Dementia. Now here I am again. He gets really angry when he sees me. He had a brand new TV that he put his fist in. Also he drowned his new hearing aids. I went to see him about 1 week ago. He really let me have it being so negative. I am at my wits end as to how to handle him. My own doctor wants me to stay away but it breaks my heart. Today I called to see how he was doing. They told me he refuses bathing and continues to beat me up. So sad. But I ask if I could talk to him today. This is the first time he was actually happy to talk to me. He tells me that people are stealing things and I know this is not true. I just listened today try to be very positive. My husband and I are going to visit him this coming Saturday. Has anyone has problems like this?
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Rhir - Your situation sounds so stressful. I understand that it eats at your heart to not visit your brother, and it breaks your heart being abused by him. Does he behave better when your husband (or someone) is with you? I recommend keeping the visits very short. As soon as he acts up, you leave. You need to protect yourself. You matter too.
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Sandias, Thank you for responding. Sometimes he is better when my husband is around. They always had a good relationship.
We are going to visit this coming Saturday. I hope that this visit will go smoothly with no backlash. I know my brother is frustrated and can’t seem to deal with all that is going on. I so agree if he starts acting up I will leave. That is what I did the last time I saw him. I am a punching bag for some reason. I can’t allow him to do that again.
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Lhuerta - I hope you find the various suggestions helpful. Have you tried any of them? If so, how did it turn out?
Rhirl - good luck on your Saturday's visit. Let us know how it goes. Remember, he has no right to abuse you, dementia or not.
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Thank you all!
I disconnected SIRI, but lo and behold he is able to still make calls to our son, daughter, and son-in-law. I've taken to hiding his phone. He goes between looking constantly for his phone, or completely forgetting about it but eventually, he does get agitated so I will "find" his phone for him. He's down to 20-30 calls a day.
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Lhuerta, how was he able to make calls with SIRI disconnected? By pressing on the previously called numbers? If so, maybe you can clear out that list before giving him the phone back?
I really hope the people whom he calls 20-30 times don’t answer the calls and just let them go to voicemail.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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