I’m Not Attracted to My Husband Any Longer
I am learning so much and crying so much. But fewer tears today. I had more patience for my DH tonight but perhaps at the cost of attraction. He’s an affectionate person and so am I. But caring for him in this way turns me off. His affections are feeling yucky. Deep Sadness…Another manifesting loss.
Comments
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Hi Jami,
You are not alone with those feelings. Although my husband and I were still affectionate with one another, he was in a "different place" than I was. After all, he doesn't believe that he's sick, or old, so how to navigate this?
It is a loss, and the relationship changes over time. This is a cruel burden for us, as we insulate ourselves to a certain extent. I am sad, sometimes mad, worried, overwhelmed... but now i see myself as caregiver to someone who used to be my best friend. I've separated from him because he isn't here any more. Every once in awhile, there is a" glimpse", but I see that he is turning inward more and more. Its actually easier to carry on when this happens, as far as the care giving role is concerned. Easier to detatch.
This, of course, is my own personal experience, and my way of coping . Also, you do need to put yourself and your needs out front, as it seems that you are starting to do. I'm trying to do the same, stay healthy and centered .
Sending you support,
Maureen
'
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this terrible disease takes so much from us. We understand your sadness and loss. My DH is Stage 5. He's like a child. No emotion, no empathy, no sense of humor. He just has anger and frustration. I miss him as he was and I lose more of him every day. 😥 Virtual hug.
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Again, I appreciate your comments. I found myself eager to see if they were any responses on this topic. Though I haven’t shared this last experience with my family and friends, I have told my closest ones about my husband’s sudden and rather severe memory loss. I realize I am looking for someone to rescue me, to rescue us. This is what makes this road so difficult for care partners (Teepa Snow rec We use that nomenclature). First I need to find a CEL… a lawyer familiar with elder issues. Thanks for commenting
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I totally understand and feel similarly. I suspect many others do, too. I love my DH, but once roles have shifted and we've become caregivers, it's hard to feel "attracted". It feels more wrong than right, because now I feel more like his mother than his wife.
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If anyone can understand those feelings, the people here "get it". As this disease progresses, relationships really take a big hit. And it will never be the same again. That doesn't mean love is lost. It only means it has taken on a different meaning. I'm sorry for everyone who has to experience that, and that is all of us. It's just another thing we have to accept.
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I fee the same way. My DH thinks he is fine, nothing has changed and yet, I do the finances, schedule his appointments, fill his pill box, drive, and still work. He used to help around the condo, now, I am not sure where his day goes. But, he still wants affection and intimacy, I do NOt want that. I feel like his nurse ( I am a nurse by profession) so I feel no intimate attraction to him… he can get upset at times. “ did you find someone younger” ( he is 12 years older). “ do I bore you?”
I try to deflect and be kind, I have learned to have more patience that I ever thought I could. People say because I am a nurse, I have patience, which I do, but when working, there is off time, down time, relax time… this new life offers very little of that.
so yes, I get it, I feel no attraction to him. I’m glad you posted this, sometime I feel so cruel, I wish that part of him just stopped.
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I have to echo all the other comments. Hard to love someone you haven’t been able to share your life with. I always thought your spouse was supposed to be your best friend and wasn’t prepared for this. I just live my own life day by day and am here for her when she needs.
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Sex? What's that??? Went by the wayside about stage 3.
I posted recently about napping on my partner's bed at MC, and she came and lay down with me---it was so sweet and tender and dear that I literally started crying and had to get up. Felt like old times, but way, way too painful emotionally. I missed it/her so much.
That said, there is still plenty of affection between us--handholding, kissing, hugging. But it depends on the history of the relationship.....and the behaviors. My partner has mellowed towards me in her new facility, but there have been plenty of times in the past when I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole for fear of getting my head snapped off.
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You are not alone @Jami Boyle . This is the best place to come when you need to vent to people who know what you are going through. My DH can't do a lot of what he used to do. A lot of what drew me to him is gone. It's a big change. There is definitely no attraction. I have to do a lot on my own, it's really hard. Resentment, anger, exhaustion. He still showers but I don't think he uses soap. Any household issues are my problem now. Hang in there and keep coming here to vent.
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Totally get it. My DH is also 12 years older. It is hard to say no sometimes because they get so upset but like you I don’t have the attraction I used to and I don’t know what to do
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It breaks your heart - another loss to grieve. With FTD, one symptom is inappropriate sexual behavior, so I was truly relieved that one of his meds nipped that in the bud. I would give almost anything if the last experience of intimacy we had wasn't such an uncomfortable memory.
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I know exactly how you feel, too! My DH and I had a rocky relationship anyway because he was so controlling and emotionally abusive at times. Now I feel pity toward him, and a sense of responsibility to take care of him, but he really is more like a child. The disease has helped with some of his controlling ways that caused so many problems in the past, but it is hard to feel attracted to someone who has lost all ability to be a partner and has become totally self-centered. Keep posting and reading - there is nothing that happens with a PWD that hasn't been discussed in this forum. The support is literally life-saving for me! Hugs to all of us!
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Oh boy...so many helpful comments. Thank you all. I will continue to vent here. I see how I am curious about what people are responding. I search my own name and look for your responses. Thank you and PLEASE keep posting. Jami
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I relate to everything that has been said here. I have gotten to the point where I don't care about sex anymore - however - he does, but isn't able to perform (but thinks he can). I'm a newbie here trying to not only navigate his recent diagnosis, but on top of that, he has a brain injury (was in a semi-truck accident 9 years ago. We have 24/7 care (which is a whole lot of other "stuff"). My "shift" is 8pm Fridays to 10pm Sundays, so we try and have some sort of normal life. I still work full-time - which I still enjoy, as it's the only "normal" part of my life. I crave a normal life, which I don't think I will ever have. On top of all this, I was diagnosed with breast cancer this year and just recently finished treatment. Thank God my son and DIL were there for me, because he had no concept of what I was going through. At the end of the day - no-one can understand what this journey is like unless you are living it. I have been looking for a support group and can only find meetings that happen during the day - it's so frustrating. Any other suggestions?
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I wish someone had some answers on this. I do sometimes reminded his it hasn’t been that long since we had sex, and then move the conversation to something else. Since he can’t remember day to day, I can get by with this, sometimes I can go 4 weeks without, when I tell him we just did. But that is about as far as I have been able to push it, after a while he starts to get cranky and more paranoid when I leave the house, asking more about where and why and how long I will be gone.
Aside drone that, I have nothing to suggest.
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Try a fiblet like "I am sorry but I woke up with a terrible pain in my back." Or... "Let's take a raincheck on that right now." Then quickly change the subject to distract.
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Yeah, I have tried saying it was only so and so long ago. Doesn’t work well with my DH as he is still functional in a lot of other ways. He tends to want to argue about it
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Everybody is different. DW has not had any idea who what I am (or anyone else ) for 5 years She recognizes nothing except food in her mouth. She has been in the MCF for almost 6 years.
But when I sit next to her my brain goes haywire with memories and feelings.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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