my husband hit me and now he is telling everyone that he did not do it- I am enraged.
partner keeps telling everyone that he was trying to grab my arm and he accidentally hit me. This is a blatant lie. He hit me with the palm of his hand on my back. I was willing to move on but this is unacceptable. He keeps telling the inaccurate story about grabbing my arm and people seem to be buying his story. They're saying, it's too early in his alzheimers disease for this to happen. I was told this by two doctors.
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Liz, this has to be infuriating. The only thing worse than it happening is the revisionist history that's following. Your DH probably can't help it, but those two doctors sure should be able to -- especially the one you gave birth to. I would tell them both that if it happens again, you are calling the police. I guarantee they will believe you.
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Liz,, I'm so sorry this happened. Please keep yourself safe. And yes, call 911 if he becomes agitated or aggressive. He really needs geripsych, if you can get him to one. Is one of the doctors who told you it's too early his doctor and an expert on dementia? Your husband most likely is show timing. You're the one who sees him all the time and knows what behaviors he's exhibiting.
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sorry this is happening to you. It is very upsetting to have the facts “discounted”. Unfortunately your DH probably believes his own version of the story. Or has deluded himself into believing it. The others should know better.
hopefully this was an isolated incident that you can move forward from. Even early in the disease the frustration snd anxiety for a PWD can be great and cause disturbing behaviors. Protect yourself. .
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thank you everyone. I am so hurt by doctors ( yes, including my son) saying that it's too early in the disease for this to be happening. what does this have to do with it? why are they saying this? My husband has a history of lying to me about money, for example, saying we cannot afford to buy a peloton when at the same time, he is fine spending close to a million dollars on a second home across the street from where he vacationed (beginning 60 years ago) with his family. He wants to use the same street signs to the home, display childhood artifacts, etc. I feel like he is sucking me into his past. He can be very dear but also, is very controlling. He wants to be nice in the way he wants to be nice but, then, ignores my pleas for certain supports.
He worries me and reading all the comments, I'm even more worried. He has everyone fooled, probably, myself included.
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Hi Liz, I am so sorry that the doctor and your son are adding insult to injury. Early on in my DH's disease, he would have DeJa'Vu, and demonstrate strange behaviors and family would tell me that I worry too much etc. until one day they saw it themselves. Don't you just love it when people watch from afar and think they know what is going on. Liz, project yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. One day, these people will apologize to you
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Liz, I'm so sorry to hear that. Most doctors don't know much about dementia. Even so, I wonder why your son doesn't believe you?? That must make it doubly hard for you.
The link Victoria gave you is excellent. The only thing I would add is that if you go into the bathroom or any other room without a window you could crawl out of, that could put you in jeopardy if you are in there and he breaks the door down. Make sure there is a way out for you. And don't be afraid to call 911.
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I am so sorry the people around you are not being supportive. I believe you. I suspect the rest of the members here do as well.
My own dad did a lot of that kind of back-pedaling/magical thinking kind of reframing of what happened. It reminded me of the kind of untruths toddlers and preschoolers tell when cornered where they feel the retelling of what they wanted to be truth makes it so.
I am of the opinion that nobody understands where a person is in their progression of the disease like the caregiver who lives with them. A physician who only sees DH at his best time of day and showtiming is clueless. A son who is a doctor has no more expertise in this situation as he seems to be bringing a hefty dose of denial to the situation, guilt at not wanting to be able to repair dad and perhaps some underlying dynamic that would skew his bias into "Team Dad". At least you know he's not got your back and can institute some boundaries around information-sharing and allowing him to advise going forward.
Please read @LadyTexan 's thread. She lived a similar situation.
I would consider
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Re the Drs...are they Alzheimer specialists?
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Infuriating!
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I can just feel your anguish and pain from reading the post. Caring for a dementia LO is difficult enough without having to deal with the blatant lack of support. Forget the doctors' opinions. Do what you have to. Your safety is most important. Do not hesitate to call 911 and state that your LO is suffering from dementia.
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This summer my wife got very upset, one of the things she did was to hit me a number of times. a few days later got her into the Nuerologist. When I told him what happened, she denied it. She just does not remember.
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My dear MIL became very physical in the earlier stages. Thank goodness my DH never has. One thing I can definitely say with fact, unless a person lives in the house with you, they have no idea where the person is mentally. No one person follows a linear line. My DH will tell our doctor he’s losing his marbles and he just Pooh poohs him. I recently told my DH brothers that his short term memory is suffering. They say he seems fine to them. They may speak to him by phone every 6 months. They have no idea.
The most difficult part is, you DH memory is his memory. His brain isn’t working normally. He most likely does believe he didn’t push you.
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One of the first signs of dementia/alz is anger and agitation because they are losing control. My DH's personality change dramatically years ago and was diagnosed 2 years ago. He lost his sense of humor, his empathy and became very angry & agitated. Those behaviors appear early in some depending on the type they have and what part of the brain is affected. I would speak to a Neurologist and a Geriatric Psychiatrist (which is really the only doctor who has helped us). He needs to be on medication if he is angry & agitated because he could hurt you. You can't reason with him. His reasoner is broken. If he hits you again, call 911 and tell them he has memory issues and you are afraid and he needs to be admitted for an evaluation. How would the doctors know what stage he is in? People with dementia are good at masking it. Here's a great handout someone posted here that will help you and them. I would show it to them. He may be mid stage already. https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf
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Your DH will never admit he hit you. He has no memory of it. What is more concerning is the denial by the doctor and your son. They are not seeing Alzheimer’s for the unpredictable disease it is.
DH needs a new doctor. Son needs to spend more time with his dad. I’d recommend a few days while you go on a short vacation. He needs to get the full picture of daily life.
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Hitting you in your back where you are recovering from post-op had a measure of cruelty if he was aware in the moment of the specific location of his blow. Very dangerous physically, in addition to the emotional hurt and disrespect you are feeling. Your instincts are 100% correct. Though your DH is likely truly unaware of his false retelling now due to anosognosia (its not lying or denial for him...but it is for the doc and son/dr.) You need new Dr's.
It is not "too early" in the disease progression to do harm. That is a ridiculously ignorant and problematic statement. First, if he has not been tested very recently, they don't know where he is in his progression. Secondly, with UTIs or just general unpredictability of the various dementias, anything can happen in his brain at any time. There are sadly, some very dead caregivers who can no longer argue with the naysayers about the risky situation. You will have to release the extra burden of trying to convince those who are not helpful.
Take a deep breath if you can, and put the members' feedback front and center as you have received some very accurate, very important advice here. First and foremost, you need to protect yourself from harm including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I don't remember from your other post whether you have DPOAs in place? You need to stop the financial hemorrhaging as well as protect yourself from assault and battery, immediately. Stay within your legal rights per CELA - certified elder law consultation, and then don't ask, don't tell. Your DH and Son do not get a vote and clearly can't handle the truth of your situation and its urgency.
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I completely second a few days of living/caring for your DH for your son. Shortly before our move to my DS and DDIL's town, DS spent several days caring for his father while I was out of town. It was very difficult for him, and he did certain things differently than I did, but he surely learned first hand what I had been dealing with. I think this was the best way to orient him (or anyone else) to the reality that I face daily, though it may be difficult to get your DS to do it.
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I agree completely, especially jj401’s second paragraph.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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